I am still alive

Wow, so much has happened since I last posted, where to begin.

First off, I haven't been avoiding posting, and I have been busy but the main reason I haven't posted in so long is my desktop computer is screwed up and won't let me access any websites that require log in. I have no idea why, it's messed up and I have yet to figure it out and fix it. At any rate every time I attempted to log on here to add an update it refused to allow me and so I just gave up. I am on my laptop now though, and I'll try to be more regular from now on (but you know how I am, so good luck with that).

Oh, big news!! I'm officially divorced!! We finalized in August and I am now completely free and single again!! I got the alimony and child support I wanted as well as the house, and pretty much everything is going well now. There have been some points of contention between us as he refuses to take care of my daughter's allergies. We found out back in February or so that she is allergic to cats, dogs, milk, wheat and eggs, but he refuses to be considerate of this and had a cat and dog living in his house (which goes against our custody agreement) and more recently he was giving her eggnog which is basically milk, eggs and sugar. Why he refuses to take care of her with this I have no idea, it doesn't seem like rocket science to me but he takes it as a personal insult. He turns it into an me verses him thing instead of thinking about the fact it's our daughter's health. Ugh, I'll leave that alone for now.

In other news, I'm not really single any more as I have a boyfriend. Yep, I finally dipped my toe into the dating pools and after a few interesting and sometimes disastrous experiences I found a keeper. He is the most well balanced, kind hearted, sweet and loving man I think I may have ever met, and it kind of freaks me out sometimes because he is so easy going and handles everything so well. I'm not used to that. I'm used to people who freak out and go nuts on me, and he never does that. He's also incredibly honest, which is amazing, and so what I need right now. And he's incredibly patient with me, which as anyone who knows me I can spaz out and kind of freak a little at times and he doesn't get ruffled at all he just stays calm and holds firm and I settle down. It's the most amazing and incredible thing I've ever experienced, and I'm just in awe of him.

One caveat, he's younger than me. Eight years younger to be exact, and I sometimes struggle with that. It's entirely my own issue, age is totally not an issue between us and in fact we seem to get along together on just about every front wonderfully. To be honest I fought dating him at the beginning because of how young he was, but he persevered and we talked for hours on the phone and I finally gave in knowing that it was all in my head. He really is amazing, intelligent, soulful, loving, and sexy to boot. I'm crazy about him. Oh, and he absolutely loves bacon so I'll call him BaconBoy, although he did say he would give up all the bacon in the world for me, which I thought was incredibly sweet. Seriously, so crazy about him.

Let's see, what else. I'm still working at the medical center, and I'm pretty settled in now. I am apparently the comic relief and everyone in the business side of the office says the day drags when I'm not there. I think I'll be called into the office to get reprimanded soon because sometimes we get a little loud when we laugh, and I laugh a lot, but I'm trying to keep it in mind and keep it settled down.

The kids are back in school again and doing well. I haven't been doing much artistically or with my writing as I've been busy but I'm trying to get back into it and I've signed up for NaNoWriMo again. I hope I'm as successful this year as I was last year, but it will be challenging as I work and I'm a single parent now whereas last year I was a stay at home mom. I believe I can do it though. I still haven't edited Empathy from last year. I haven't even read it, bad me. I need to get with it.

Anyway, the kids want to play a card game and I need to finish up the laundry so I better go. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and in case I don't catch you before then, Happy Halloween!!

Be good, love lots, and stay warm. T out!

Late as usual

Another belated update. It's not for lack of trying, there have been so many times I've started to post and got sidetracked and didn't do it. Story of my life!!

Let's see, quick update on things: I had a pretty good 4th of July, the only major mishap as a few firework incidents that the people across the street had where their multi shot artillery shells fell over and began rapid firing across my yard and at my guests. That sucked! My mother had a small burn where an ember from an exploding shell burned her arm but otherwise we were just shaken up mostly. My son was done with fireworks after that. On the plus side, I conquered lighting explosives, so add that to the list of fears I've sucked up and dealt with.

SoCNoC is officially over and I sucked big time. I failed! (I'm wailing here, can't you hear it?) Oh well, there is always NaNo in the fall. If I could afford to take a month off of work, I could probably make it work. ;) I wonder if I'll ever be able to embrace what I want to be without having to put up with what I have to be. I guess time will tell.

No progress on the dating front. I have met several people to be "friends" but no motion at all on the actual dating. I fantasize about chicken guy and leave it at that for now. I did check out a whole stack of books on dating (including "Dating for Idiots" or "Mating for Morons" or whatever that book is called). THAT was fun to check out from the kinda cute librarian guy. They have those flippin' pads where they can scan a whole stack of books in one pile so WHY did he have to finger through my entire stack? Maybe it was on the fritz, or maybe he just wanted to see how desperate I really am. "Men are Like Fish", yep, you're desperate when you check out an instruction guide that treats men like marlins. I read five pages and decided I'm not ready to date so now I'm sneaking back after midnight to return them in the after hours book drop.

I don't know why I want to date anyway, I'm not actually desperate for sex or anything like that. What I really want is just someone to spend time with, hang out, go to a movie with, curl up on the couch with and watch a video, etc. I think I kind of want to date so I face that fear, kind of like ripping off the bandaid, but I don't want to date because I don't want to be faced with the sex question. When I was younger, sex just wasn't an option, you are young, virginal, inexperienced whatever. It was a "Big Deal". Now I'm an adult, and it seems like sex is more standard fare and almost expected. I can't do that, I can't just sleep with someone I don't know. I'm slow to warm and I have to have a real connection and a relationship there. Does that make me a freak? Probably. You know what has come around since I was last on the market? "Friends with benefits". I can't even just be friends with someone any more, even that has to have benefits. Blech, I'm going to be single forever, and since I can't have cats I guess I'll be the crazy bear lady who has tons of stuffed bears that I name and dress up and push around in carriages like babies. Hee, okay I just cracked myself up.

Oooh!! Guess what!! There is going to be an Improv Festival here in the city!! So cool!! I love Improv!! I can't wait, it's going to be so much fun!!

On the art front, I'm still drawing and painting and now I'm gluing stuff (not sure if that's a step up or down). I'm still having fun, still not terribly talented but oh well. I'll scan some new things onto my art blog tomorrow. I met someone online who does clay sculpture, so now I'm considering playing with that. I would be such an awesome multi-faceted person if I actually had decent talent in all the arenas that interest me. ;)

Well it's late, and I'm due to get up early for work again in the morning. I hope you all have a wonderful week and that the down slope of summer treats you well! Eat an ice cream for me!!

Sunday Morning

Well here I am trying to decide what to do with my Sunday and I remembered that I haven't updated in a couple of days so I decided to start here.

Last week was rough at work. Wednesday and Thursday kicked my butt, and at one point I decided that was it, I was leaving and I wasn't coming back. At lunch time I clocked out and I left. I drove over to Sonic to get something to eat and to call my mom but she wasn't home. I was crying and then the server came out with my lunch and she was so sweet! She talked to me and helped me feel better and I was really touched. Because of her I returned to work and turned it around. Friday was busy and hectic but I survived without wanting to escape.

Saturday I went out and bought art supplies. Yummy, delicious, rainbow colored art supplies. I bought this plastic lap tray thing that I think is meant for kids but it's perfect for me to use to draw or write or type on my laptop in bed. It has a cup holder that is perfect for a beverage or a cup of water for painting, plus a smaller bin just right for a snack or to tuck away supplies I'll need, or my mini-journals. The other side has a larger bin that is perfect for books, or even my mini-notebook. I love it!! I bought one for each of the kids too, I know they will love them. I also bought a waterbrush, traveling watercolor set, watercolor pencils, chalk and oil pastels, a sketch kit, some colored sharpies and a set of brush pens. I spent most of yesterday playing with them and exploring the colors and the applications and just enjoying them. I also read SARK books that I checked out from the library, and just felt wonderful all over.

Today I'll catch up on my chores. I have to finish the laundry which the final loads are in the machines now so that's almost done, then I need to clean the kitchen and pick up and vacuum the living room. You know I can never spell vacuum, I always spell it wrong and the fix it with spell check. I think today I'll write down the correct spelling and practice it till I can spell it correctly without the spell checker. Good thing to note! I also need to mow today, and return the video rentals, so I guess I'll be hopping today!

As for the SoCNoC, well it is now the 21st and I've only written one chapter. I may not make the goal but the story is finally shaping up in my head and I plan to write more today. I'll update more on that at the end of the month to let you know how I did. I'm proud of starting anyway, even if I fall short.

So what else is up, hmm. Well my birthday is this week. My 34th trip around the sun is coming to an end, and wow, what a trip this one has been!! So much has happened and changed, and I am not the same person I was 12 months ago. I wonder who I will be in another 12 months? It's exciting to find out. We have birthday parties at work each month so next week I get to celebrate with my work pals. This is strange to me because I've never worked on a birthday before, and it's kind of embarrassing and weird to have them celebrate like that and ask me what I want for a present. How do you tell your boss what to get you for your birthday? I struggled with it a lot, and for a long time I wished they would just ignore my birthday, I don't even really like celebrating it on my own, but finally I just gave in. There is another person who's birthday we are celebrating as well, so that helps. I asked my boss for SARK books, watercolor pencils, and screwdrivers. I think he might have gotten excited by the screwdrivers, he's a "tool guy". I mean that in that he likes to work with tools, not as in he is a "tool", he's not a tool. Anyway, my own plans for my birthday include meeting my parents and kids for dinner to eat Korean and then running out to see Transformers 2. I'm excited about that part! I'll also bake a coconut cake to share with the kids.

Man, I really want a LiveScribe Pulse Smartpen. I'm considering buying one for myself, but I can't decide if I should or not. There are so many neat applications for it, but would I really use it? If you have one or use one, comment or email me and tell me if I should buy one or not, because I'm really leaning. Me wants, me wants!! :)

Well, I can't think of anything else important to say, so I guess I'm outta here. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a glorious week!! Peace Love and Understanding to all!!

Dating Dilemma

Okay, so I'm finally reaching the point where I'm feeling like dipping my toe back into those ever so fish filled waters. I have no idea how to do that.

First, when it comes to dating, I'm an infant. I'm a social newbie. My ex was my first boyfriend, and really the only guy I ever really dated. I had a thing for a guy before him, a guy who never was willing to go beyond friends, and we went to a movie one night together but he made it clear it wasn't a date, it was "hanging out". My ex probably took me on a total of about five dates, I mean where you are clearly "going out on a date". We did lots of things together as a couple, but it was more along the hanging out style. So really, I have no idea how you date.

Okay, so lets say for a moment the dating part itself is easy, which it probably is, here is the real kicker. How do you meet people? I don't drink, I don't hang out at bars. I'm not religious, I don't belong to a church. Those are the two most obvious places I can think of to meet someone. The third would be the internet, but most of the online social things are filled with people trolling for a one night stand or booty call buddy or "Friend with benefits". I don't think people get the "friend" part of that, they think it means "we will screw without me ever having to take you out to dinner and a movie first". I don't know, maybe that IS what it means and *I'M* the one who doesn't get it.

I'm a little old fashioned, I would like to know someone before I sleep with them. Not in a "My name is Jack, I work at the hospital, I like the color blue, take off your clothes baby" way but in a actually spending time together and getting to know each other and like each other way. Sometimes, when I talk to people, I think I'm a dinosaur that just escaped the Lost World and people are like "I thought you were extinct". I feel that way about my attitudes on marriage and fidelity too, although I like to think other people believe in those things as well.

Anyway, so how does someone actually meet people? How do you let them know you are on the market? How do you ever get anywhere? I get the whole "kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince" thing, but where do you find the frogs?

Maybe it's like a quest, when the time is right you find the way. I don't know. Where is the instruction book for life? Why are there billions of self-help books and yet still nobody knows how to get through life without wandering around like a lost child? Maybe the wandering is the point? Maybe. Maybe it's too late at night for me to wax philosophical. I think I'm confusing myself now.

Maybe you just walk along the edge of the pool, wanting to dip your toe in, until suddenly someone comes along and pushes you and you are in, gasping for breath, stroking along, and realizing the water is wonderful.

In that case, someone come along and push me. I'm ready to learn how to swim with the fishes.

Wordle

This is a wordle created from my blog. I think it looks pretty neat! If you would like to create one of your own, visit Wordle If you have trouble reading it just click on it to enlarge the image.

Solitary Saturday Morning

Hello everybody, and I hope you are having a wonderful weekend! I'm on my own today as the kids are with their dad, but that's okay because I have a LOT to do today. Since my computer is right next to the rabbit I just fed I decided to knock out a blog update before I get on with it.

First off, to all who have viewed my art blog, thank you! I appreciate the kind comments. I also should say that a lot of the sadder/angrier Post Secret cards were "Moment in time" type things. Since the ex and I finished the appointment with the lawyer we have finally been mostly getting along and a lot of the tension there has diffused. I'm being appreciated at work and definitely know I'm a valued member of the team now, as well that I am not alone in a LOT of things I thought I was alone in. Let me tell you, that is true about life, 100%. Whatever you THINK you are alone in, you aren't, and if you just reach out to people, you will find we are all the same and we are all suffering our own burdens and many of us are on the same road together, we just don't know it. Some are a little further ahead on the road though, and when you find them, you find hope.

Anyway, as to SoCNoC, hello, my name is Tina and I'm a procrastinator. Seriously, there should be an Procrastinators Anonymous group out there. Actually they probably have the idea but keep putting off scheduling the meetings. Ha! Oh my, I just was checking my spelling and look what I noticed: procrasTINAtor, my NAME is in the word! No wonder I'm a classic case! Procrastinate, I'm in that one too. Dang. Anyway, where was I, oh yes. So I haven't written any more than the 2500 I wrote a week or so ago, but my plan is to work out the story line today and get as much knocked out as I can. It occurred to me that I had lots of grand ideas for characters and scenes and events but no story line to tie them all together or give a purpose to the whole tale, so I'm working on that now. I also have a ton of laundry to do so it will be start a load of laundry, write for an hour, change loads, write for an hour, change loads, write, repeat until finished.

As for the art front, I am enjoying that venture. I went out and bought a large set of colored pencils, and I enjoy using them although I need to buy some for my daughter because she keeps wanting to take mine. I checked out a book on art and it said you shouldn't focus so much on the result, but on the experience, the journey of the creation, so that's my mind set. I may never be an "artist" in the sense that my pictures are desired or oohed after, but the joy of creating images is what I'm going after, even if those images are lumpy, asymmetrical, or otherwise just wrong. Heck, look at Picasso, you compare some of his paintings to classic realism and he looks like a nut who can't draw or paint to save his life, but take him in the context of cubism and abstract and he's incredible, so who is to say what is right or wrong in art? I remember when we went to the art museum here in the city and seeing some pieces that made me think "THAT is art?? *I* could do better than THAT!", yet that piece had meaning to someone and expressed some thought or emotion or something. I remember there is one on the third floor, and I can't remember what it's called but it really looks like a giant piece of dog poo, it's huge and really odd. I don't mean that in a bad way, but I would love to be able to ask the artist where or what he was going for there, because I didn't get it. Then again, maybe that was the point, to throw you off balance and make you uneasy, some artists go for that too. Who knows?

I checked out a bunch of books from the library. I have no idea why, I don't really have time to read right now but I love the illuminated journals, if you haven't read one go find one! There is Spilling Open by Sabrina Ward Harrison (I think), and I just got another one that I can't remember the name or author of but it's just crazy and wonderful. I also checked out a bunch of books by SARK, and I've barely started reading them but already I want to buy every book this woman ever put out, they are amazing!! If you haven't read one, go get one now!! Anyway, so now I have a whole stack of books to read through as well. I wish someone would give me an Amazon gift card for my birthday so I could just buy a couple of the best ones to save for later, but I guess I can always recheck them later when I have more time.

Oh, totally irrelevant but just because I took a break to eat and it reminded me, I have found a new salad that I totally love!! At the clinic where I work the drug reps come by and bring us lunch a few times a week. Well this last week one of the reps brought this salad that had grilled chicken and cheese in it, and he had this dressing, I have no idea what kind it was, Italian maybe, but it was good. Anyway, I loved this salad with the chicken and the cheese and everything, so I popped off to the store to buy some grilled chicken and I picked up some of the fajita chicken and wow, does that make a good salad!! I love it!! Yum, yum, yum! Anyway, I know it was off topic but it's yummy so I had to share.

My rabbit is crazy! I'm beginning to think she might not be a rabbit at all but a cat or monkey in disguise. She climbs things!! Seriously, this rabbit has gotten four feet off the ground by climbing things!! I find her on the back of the couch, in the entertainment cabinet behind the TV, on top of chairs, etc. Today I left the top of her cage open after feeding her and when I looked over she was on top of her cage. I have no idea how she got out, but she did! She's so goofy!

Anyway, I know I'm rambling so I'll close for now. I need to go get the laundry going and get back to writing. I WILL have a story line and at least 5-10K written by the end of today, I insist!! Wish me luck!

So you think you can Draw

Okay, so I started drawing in a journal a few weeks ago. Nothing big, just a little doodle here and there. Then I started creating Post Secret post cards (that I will probably never send in, but I enjoy making them just the same). Well now I've joined a Yahoo group called Every Day Matters and they encourage you to draw something every week and share it.

So since I'm going to have to scan and load the images up on the internet somewhere, I decided to create a blog for them. There is a link in the sidebar there, if you want to check it out. Be warned though, I am NOT an artist, I'm just enjoying the attempts.

In other news I finally wrote some of my SoCNoC. I'm still horribly behind but then again I'm further ahead than I was with NaNoWriMo, I didn't start writing it until 15 days in. Wish me luck!!

The Great SoCNoC Begins!!!

So of course I'm behind. ;) I decided at the eleventh hour to just yank out my notes for my opus and write it for SoCNoC. Gasp!! Yes, THE STORY, the opus I thought would take me years to write because I had to write it just right, it had to be perfect, and now on a whim I've decided to whip it out in a month. Sigh.

Actually I think this will be good. The problem with Opuses is that they can become so great you are afraid to ever start them for fear you won't do them the proper justice. By starting this now, this way, I know I'll beat out the rough idea, and then later I can polish it into the perfect dream that eats at my brain all the time. So now I just hope my Muse is with me, because I'm doing some pretty creative world building for the Opus. Oh, and Opus isn't it's name, but I love the title and I don't want someone stealing it from me before I finish so Opus is the undercover temp title, which is still better than the temp title I give most of my other work, Work In Progress or WIP. Nope, this story will never be a WIP, it's an Opus.

Anyway, so I have my goal, and I dug out my BIAM book (Book in a Month, for those who aren't synonym savvy), and I'm considering starting a journal from the point of view of my MC, just for a little extra depth for inspiration. I'm looking forward to a productive month, although I'm going to have to iron out committed writing time. I tried to write at lunch and ended up talking to a co-worker instead and ended up 10 minutes late and with nothing written. Bummer!! She's a very nice person though, so it was nice talking to her. Then I've spent most of the evening preparing to write but not actually writing anything. Getting up early would probably be a good idea but I'm such a grouch in the morning, and I like to sleep, so I don't know if I can do it or not. I guess we can try it and see.

Anyway, in other news I drove to downtown for the ball game, yea me!! I still get nervous driving but I did well and survived, even after getting lost. I think I'm going to be okay, really. It's interesting facing those old fears and then pushing through them. It makes you wonder why you took so long to start living your life. We also saw the movie UP, and I really liked the message in it too. Thinking about that couple and how they put off their dream of going to South America until it was too late really inspires me to make time for writing and work on it now, instead of letting it simmer on the back burner until it's too late.

Well, on Wednesday I go to see the lawyer and start the finalizing of my divorce. I have no idea if it will be amicable or not, the EX keeps fighting me left and right. I figure if he shows up, I'll file our mutual agreement. If he holds out, I'll work out an agreement with the lawyer and file that. If he doesn't like it, he can spend HIS money to hire a lawyer. I'm ready for it to be over, so over!!

I guess that's about all I have for now. Oh, I'm still writing in my journal, which is nice. I express myself more creatively there than I have in other journals before, it's a very liberating feeling. I think of the old days in high school and signing yearbooks, how you would write on diagonals and stuff, and I break out of the standard line by line writing. It's nice. I still suck at painting and stuff but oh well.

I hope you have a fabulous week and a beautiful June!! I turn 34 at the end of the month, thus ending my 34th trip around the sun. It's been one hell of a ride and my life has changed so much, I wonder what my 35th trip will bring? If the fates took requests I'd ask for a winning lottery ticket, a best selling novel, and a happy, healthy family, but I'm sure I'll manage and make do with whatever they throw at me. Not that that's a challenge, okay? You hear me Fates? Go easy on me!! ;)

Peace, Love and Tranquility always.

Learning to be artistic

Or trying to be anyway. As you might know, I have a love/hate thing with Post Secret. I love the idea, I love the post cards, I love the secrets, it just creeps my craw that this guy is making all this money off of everyone else's deepest darkest secrets, but whatever. I mean he had a great idea, and I guess I should give him props for that, and if he was just making money off of the kindness of strangers it would be one thing, but these are people reaching out and hoping to be heard, it seems kind of like taking advantage of them somehow, but that's probably just me.

Anyway, my point is, I do love the books, and the website, and even his Twitter posts, and I know deep down inside he is helping people in his own way (and he does support Suicide Prevention, so it's not like he's laughing to the bank, he's a good person, really). I love the images and the art in the postcards, and I always think "I wish I could express myself like that!"

Except of course I'm not artistic. I can barely draw a stick figure, and I can't paint to save my life. But I want, OH how I want to!!

So I decided to go for it, I'm making Post Secret post cards and I'm drawing and I'm painting and I'm being artistic. Even if I suck at it. Why? Because I want to, and why should it matter if I suck? Why can't I express what my heart has to say, even if it's in a horrible drawing?

Will I mail them to PS? Probably not, at least not any time soon, but maybe someday. For now, I'm tucking them into my new journal, which cost $40 and is handmade with thick, rough hewn paper and I believe it's meant to be a watercolor sketch book but I love it. There is so much TEXTURE to it, the cover, the paper, everything, you just FEEL the solidity of it. It feels like whatever is captured there should be important, and for months I waited to find something important and worthy of that fine book, and finally I decided I was going to GIVE that book to myself, to mess up, to screw up, to draw funny pictures and write stupid things and scribble and scrawl in, and I wasn't going to stop and ask myself "Is this worthy of being in a $40 book?" but instead I would joyfully express myself and relish the freedom and know that *I* AM worthy of being as stupid or silly or screwed up as I want to be in a $40 book, or even a more expensive book. I am worth every drop of ink and every handcrafted page.

How often do we save the best thinking we aren't good enough for it today? I actually have another beautiful handcrafted book I bought over 10 years ago and I've carried around with me for years, through countless moves and through three states, waiting for something brilliant and beautiful and worthy of those fine pages. When I finish the journal I'm working in now, I'm going to use that one next. I'm going to revel in spilling my perfect imperfections all across those delicate pages, and knowing that when someone picks up that book they will sense that something special is contained inside and when they open it, they will find me, the real me, the raw me, the messy and imperfect me, and it will be wonderful!

So if you have always wished you could paint, or hoped you could draw, or even dreamed to be able to glue two pieces of paper together in a flattering way, give in TODAY!! Grab those materials and create something, pour your heart into it and scrawl your truths, your deepest darkest secrets, across that canvas you create. Make something that speaks from your heart, and don't worry about what it looks like or what anyone else will think, just enjoy the moment, enjoy the freedom of expressing yourself in the way you have always dreamed of. Do it today. And if you are really brave, send it to Post Secrets, I'm sure part of the proceeds of those books go to charity anyway.

Someday if I'm really brave, maybe I'll post a few of my cards here. Maybe.

Have a beautiful day, and let your inner soul out to play. You only have one life to live, so stop hiding from it and get out there!

So busy, and yet I long for more apparently

Well once again it's been a moon and a half since I've written. Actually I guess it's been almost exactly a month. Well, time for some updates!!

First off, I finished my lessons, and I scored all A's on my finals, yea me! I planned on taking the next set of classes but I missed the deadline to sign up so I'll be starting the next set in June. I plan on taking the next courses in Excel and Accounting and a class in Medical Transcription if I can find the books I need.

The kids have finished school and are now enjoying their summer. I worked out a deal so that they won't spend the summer languishing in a dismal day care and instead get to split their days between their father, their grandparents (with pool!) and their mom. I guess it works it for everyone all around, other than the fact it's going to cost me triple in gas money, but I'm not paying for day care so it will probably even out.

As for the job front, well I finally got one!! The medical center hired me to digitize their files and give them more space on their shelves. My title is Medical Records Integration Specialist, try saying that three times fast! We call it MRIS for short. It's a pretty easy job now that I've got everything set up and flowing, but I'll admit it can get a little boring feeding paper into a scanner all day. Oh well, my boss keeps promising other projects so I'm sure I'll have plenty to keep my brain busy.

Oh, and I'm over my ex again. We are trying to finalize the divorce agreement so we can file and he is just being absurd. I meet with the lawyer in a week and hopefully it will all be over pretty soon. He finally moved all of his things out and we split the accounts and changed the names on all of the utilities, so it's almost over. It would be nice if he could get over being such a jerk and remember he is still a father, but oh well.

And finally, even though I'm still adjusting to being a working single mother, I decided to bite off the huge hunk that is SoCNoC (Southern Cross Novel Challenge). I have my participant icon in the sidebar and you can click it to check it out if you are interested. Basically it's NaNoWriMo for June. So as of June 1st, I'm going to try to write 50,000 words on a new novel. I really need this, I haven't written in months and I need something to kick me in the butt when I don't get to it. So it's time to start training again. I participated in SoCNoC last year but I started halfway through and only got to 35,000 before the end of the challenge. Since I've now participated in and won both NaNoWriMo and NaNoFiMo, I think I can really do SoCNoC, although it will be more of a challenge since I don't have as much free time now. Wish me luck!!

Well I better get off of here and get back to it. It's a holiday weekend and I've got the kids, but my son is sick so all of our grand plans kind of got tamped down a bit. Yesterday we cleaned house and then finally managed to get out and get some food and new summer clothes. Today I hope to finish cleaning and if everyone is up to it, we might go out and catch Night at the Museum. I really need to catch up this weekend though, as next weekend I won't have a full regular weekend because even though it's Ex's weekend with the kids, I will have them Saturday night to go to a baseball game with the staff from the clinic I work at. Someday I'll be all caught up and for five seconds I'll know what it's like to not be behind, then I'll remember something I was supposed to have done and I'll be off catching up again. :) It's always something!!

Have a great holiday weekend!! Take care!!

Another late update

Hello again. I know, my updating skills suck. I just have a hard time being regular about much of anything. Let's see what's been going on.

Job hunt is still on but getting warmer. I had an interview this past week with a CDC (child development center) for the position of a receptionist. I figured it would be a great cross over from my teaching days to my new office clerk days. The director really liked me, she thought I was really funny and she was really interested in my book. I think she will be calling me this week to talk about a position. The only problem? The receptionist has to drive the bus. Well first off, I don't have a CDL, and second off, even if I did I don't think I could handle driving something as big as a bus, and third off, even if I could drive something that big, I don't think I could do it full of kids. Bummer. She mentioned they have a part time position with the infants though, and I'm considering that. I didn't want to get back into working with the children, but the hours would allow me to get home before my kids get home from school and I would get to spend time with babies, which should take care of the baby fever that springs up from time to time. We'll see, it will depend on the pay and benefits but I'm hopeful. The medical center I interviewed with week before last also called and approached me with a developing project of digitizing all their old medical files. I love the idea of a challenge like that! I don't know that I'm the right person for them but I'm meeting with them on Monday to discuss my recommendations for the project.

My kids are getting closer to finishing the school year. They just had the land run at school this past Friday and my son was in the performance. They really love their school and they both were awarded with student of the month at the awards ceremony and my daughter won best dressed girl for her costume as well. They are really happy there, I'm so happy for them.

As for me, well I haven't been writing, I am behind in my lessons and I'm behind in my housework. I'm also fighting off some kind of sinus thing. I thought it was a cold but I'm beginning to think it's an allergy thing due to the hay from the rabbit. All I know is I'm miserable a lot and sneezing a lot.

I rented a few movies this weekend and watched The Women, The Day the Earth Stood Still, and Seven Pounds. The Women kicked my ass, I don't know why I rented a movie about a woman who finds out her husband is having an affair. I cried when she found out and was dealing with it. Apparently I'm still too raw for that. The Day the Earth Stood Still was pretty good, although my son and I did not like the insects that ate everything. We are both scaredy cats and cowered while my daughter informed us when it was safe to look again. Seven Pounds confused me at the beginning then when I figured it out I was kind of on the fence as I'm personally against organ donation. It was touching that he helped those people and gave so much of himself, but it was painful to watch as well. All in all, I can't wait till the summer blockbusters are out in theaters so I can see something exciting.

I've been missing my ex. I had hoped I was past this. I've come to terms with the fact that he wasn't the man I thought he was. I've accepted that this is the best thing for us. I'm not sure why I still long for him and wish it could all be fixed. Maybe its because in movies it always works out in the end. Maybe it's because part of me still hopes the man I loved really is inside of him and will come out and come back. Maybe I'm still scared to be totally alone, I don't know. I just wish someone could tell me when it will be over. It's so much easier to get through something when you can look at the time in the future when it will be over, but I don't know when that will be. A year from now? Will I be okay with it then? Will I feel this way forever? Am I hanging onto it, or do I need to grieve through it and let go? Do I need to focus somewhere else? How do I cope, how do I get through this? How do you reset when you devoted your life to someone and suddenly that's over? For now I take it one day at a time, and tomorrow will be laundry, lessons, running the kids around, reading with them, cooking dinner, and whatever else I can squeeze in.

I'm sure in time we all get through it. Thanks for reading.

Fire, Family, Future, and the end of the AlphaBlog

First off, I'm ditching the Alphablog idea. Ironic in the fact that this post starts with "F" anyway, but whatever.

Well a lot has been going one while I've been gone! We had a wildfire here in Oklahoma (okay technically we had several, I don't remember how many, but we had one here in the OKC area that I'm talking about). I first found out about the fire when my kids called me outside to ask about the "red clouds" in the sky. At first I thought it was dirt stirred up from the winds (we had crazy winds that day), but then I noticed the smell and realized it was smoke. I told the kids something was burning and came in to check it out on the TV. Sure enough, wildfires across the state including one here locally, but it was seven miles away so I didn't think anything of it. I muted the TV and started working on homework with the kids. About 30 minutes later we realize we can hear someone talking so I jump up and check the front door and the police are outside yelling for everyone to evacuate.

Okay at this point I think the fire is still miles away so we just grab our shoes and keys and hop in the car and pull out. I didn't even think about grabbing clothes, medicine, pictures, anything. I thought we were being evacuated just as a precaution. It wasn't until I pulled out of our neighborhood and started towards my parents house that I realized how wrong I was. White ash sprinkled down on our car and the smell of smoke made my sinuses hurt. I realized the fire was a lot closer than we last heard and I started calling everyone I knew trying to get a scope on what was going on.

We drove out to my parents house and let ourselves in as they were in town shopping. I turned on the TV and watched in horror as they showed the fire approaching the high school next to my neighborhood and then the helicopter panned over to show the line of fire trucks on the road east of my house. They were drawing the line there hoping to stop the fire from spreading further. Of course that didn't help anything BEFORE that road, which happened to be where my home was.

Over the next few hours I watched the news, hoping for some sign that things would be okay. I couldn't pull away from it, and I cried and cursed and desperately hoped for a miracle. Two hours later they panned across my neighborhood again and my heart fell. The sweep of the camera was swift but I could clearly make out a line of fire devouring the fence that lined the back of the houses on my street. I didn't have time to count out which house it was at, but it didn't matter, if it was that far there was nothing to stop it.

My son turned off the TV, insisting that it was torture to continue watching it. I couldn't argue, I was lost. I kept trying to reach my ex-husband, who still did not know what was going on or that his children might now be homeless. A few hours later I finally reached him.

He insisted that the house was fine and that he was going to go there and see for himself. I told him he couldn't get to it and he said nobody would keep him from HIS house (never mind the fact that it's supposed to be MY house now). He drove as close as he could and then set off on foot to find the house. Yes, in the middle of wildfires, and the middle of the night as it was 11pm by this point, he set off on foot to walk two+ miles to check on the house. I begged him not to do it, his kids begged him not to do it, his parents begged him not to do it, co-workers and friends called him and told him not to do it. He did it anyway. He got lost, wandered a mile off course, but three hours later he finally made it.

He called me. The house had survived. The fire had devoured our fence and melted the pool and burned up part of the yard but the fire department got there and put it out as it was climbing the neighbors' tree. Thank goodness, that tree touches my roof and if it had climbed much higher my house would have been gone. We still had our home.

Two doors down they weren't so lucky. That house and the house next to it both burned down. It's devastating, heartbreaking, and amazing how some houses burned and others didn't. The house three doors down belonged to the family of a friend of my children's. I can't tell you how many times that sweet little boy would ring our doorbell asking if my kids can come out to play. He's not there now, but they are safe, and hopefully they will be able to rebuild.

Two of my daughter's classmates lost their homes, and four in my son's class are also dealing with the loss. The good side is nobody was hurt. As for us, the insurance adjuster came on Monday, by Wednesday the money was in the bank and the dumpster comes next week so we can start the clean up. We had no phone or internet for a few days, and the water and electric have come and gone a few times as the utility companies scramble to repair and replace the transformers and wells that were damaged, but life moves forward.

In other news, I had a job interview today. I'm still hoping for a job that will give me benefits and a decent wage but it's a struggle. The people I interviewed with today seemed interested but they don't offer insurance. I'm not sure if it will work out or not, but I guess I'll call next week and find out if they want me or not. If not, hopefully I'll still hear back from some other feelers.

This Sunday is my grandmother's 80th birthday. We are all getting together to celebrate, which should be fun. Tomorrow I'll bake a cake for her, and map out the directions to her house as I'll be driving there alone for the first time.

I'm doing well with my online lessons. I fell behind due to the fire and the lack of internet but my plan is to catch up this weekend. Next week is the last two lessons and then I'll have a couple of weeks off before the next set start. The plus side is by the time the next session starts the kids will be almost done with school so I won't have to work out their homework as well as mine. Hopefully I'll have a job by then as well.

Well I better close this up. I'm sure I had more to talk about but the kids have left and I need to get some things done. Have a great weekend!!

Everything is Beautiful

Evening has fallen, and I'm about to head off to bed. Tomorrow is Monday and we start the whole rush again. I had a pretty decent weekend, I got my grocery shopping done, got out for some Korean food, and worked on some things on the computer. I also came up with another story idea for the file.

Emphysema, my grandmother was in the hospital last week and has been diagnosed with Emphysema. I'm sad, but she smoked most of her life so really, it's not a big surprise. She's home now and on oxygen but otherwise doing fine. I love her.

Edward Cullens, so what is it exactly that makes Edward so sexy and hot and everything? Is it Bella's obsession with him? Is it his extreme good looks? Is it his mysterious life? Is it the danger and thrill of being so close to death? Is it the thrill of the chase? You can apply that to either the book Edward or the movie Edward, I don't care. Robert Pattinson was pretty yummy as Edward. I don't know, in the book the fact he was ice cold and marble hard was just too hard for me to get past. I'll admit I kept thinking "careful, you'll chip your teeth". Bad Tina, I know, but what can I say?

Education, my kids are thoroughly enjoying school. I am torn on that. On one hand, it kills me, I really loved homeschooling, and I wanted it to work. On the other hand, I'm so relieved they enjoy it and do well with it, and it's kind of nice to know it's taken care of. I started culling through the homeschooling stuff and getting rid of it. It's hard, but I'm getting there slowly.

Empathy, yes the novel is still untouched and unloved. Poor thing, I pour my heart and soul into writing it and then I loathe it for the bloated monster it's become. I did find a program this weekend called "Revision Hell" which is a class/challenge thing where you focus on revising 20 pages a day for (I think) two weeks. I'm thinking about trying this. I seem to do better with controlled deadlines and motivation like that, and with it only being two weeks it's not really long enough for me to procrastinate and goof off on like NaNo did. I'm also thinking about enrolling in Holly Lisle's "How to Think Sideways" course, although I'm still deciding if I can afford the almost $300 tuition. I know that has nothing to do with Empathy, but I might not be able to think of another "E" word to go into it with so I tossed it in here.

Early, well I do have to get up early tomorrow to get the kids off to school so I better close here. I could come up with more, but I guess I'll start thinking of "F". Okay, so I'm not every day but I have been sticking to the letters of the alphabet, so I can't be all bad. ;) Have a great week and take care!!

Don't stop now

Dang it, another couple of days got away from me, again. I hate being sick!! Come on good health!

Decisions, I haven't written hardly anything in three or four weeks. Blech. But I need to get back into it, so I joined some groups, one of which offers workshops so I'm looking forward to getting involved in that. I just feel so guilty when I write because I need a job. Come on Cosmos, help a girl out here a little, eh? So I'm trying to decide how much time to devote to my writing every day where I don't feel like I'm cheating something else.

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger. Hee, that always cracks me up. I need to mow my lawn. If it isn't cut back soon it could become dangerous as we sometimes have snakes and snakes love high grass. So this week I'll learn how to use a lawn mower. Whoopee.

Don't you love it? Here I have been talking about how expensive Quickbooks is and how I need to find a copy to learn on and guess what came free with my printer cartridge yesterday? A free offer for Quickbooks Starter! Man, you ask and the universe provides, I tell you!!

Division, sixteen years ago today, my ex-husband and I officially became a couple. On April 4th we went to the medieval fair and by the end of the day we had passed from dating to "going steady". It took almost four more years before we were married, and then we were married for 12 years before we separated. Now here it is, April 4th again, and he took the kids to the Medieval fair today, and the coincidences just amuse me. What's four times four? Sixteen. (April is the fourth month, so today is 4/4)

Dragons, my son picked up a really cute stuffed dragon at the medieval fair. It's sitting on my printer at the moment, and it's red and green plaid. I wish I could sew things like that. Dragons are really neat.

Done for, well I really don't know what else to talk about with "D" and I still need to finish my lessons for the week so I guess I'm outta here. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and here's to warmer weather, excellent health, and financial security!! ;) Have a beautiful day!

Can't quit now

Coincidentally, I missed a day. What can I say, I was sick, I felt like crap, I had to run out to the store and deal with homework with the kids and homework for myself, and I actually sat down to write it once, and got sidetracked before I did it. On the positive side, I'm here now, even though I'm terribly pressed for time, which should make for a short post, right?

Cadbury's, well Easter is next weekend, can you believe it?? I always think of Cadbury's and their eggs at Easter time. When I was a kid I thought they had real egg yolks and it grossed me out every time I saw someone eat one. Ick!! Now I know it's not really egg yolks, but they still gross me out, I have no idea why.

Children, well today is my daughter's play. This will be her first ever performance and she plays a leopard. She has two lines and sings a song and dances a dance. It will be interesting to see how she does. I think she will be great though. My son is all over the performance thing, he loves to put on shows and film movies with his camera. Future director/producer/actor/everything else right there. I once asked him if he wanted to join the drama club when he got into high school so he could be an actor and he told me "Mom, I don't just act, I direct, do the sound effects, build sets, I'm the whole package." Too cute!

Coughing, man I'm ready to be over this cold. I don't like the general 'blech' feeling you have when you are sick. Hopefully it will be gone soon so I can enjoy my weekend.

Completion, I finished my lessons for the day! Whoohoo!! I'm loving Excel and Accounting now, I can't wait to sign up for the next cycle of those, Admin still wears me down and honestly, I'm testing out of the Computers for the Workplace. I know everything they are covering, what's the point of taking the lesson??

Crap, I really need to get out of here, I need to run to the school for my daughter's dress rehearsal. I'm sure I could come up with more 'C' things, but since I'm short on time I'll leave it there. I promise 'D' will be better. Have a wonderful day!!

But it's better if you do

Borrowed from a Panic at the Disco song (and I think they borrowed it from a book).

Boy, what a day! I've been sick off and on since yesterday. I feel like crap but there has been too much going on so I've been fighting the urge to crawl in bed and stay there all day. I think tomorrow I can afford a bit of rest before my lessons post but then it's back to the grind stone. I want to go to bed right now but I need to get the kids off to bed and I had to post my "B" alphablog because it would really suck to trip up and fail on day FREAKING TWO!!

Blogs, I enjoy reading blogs when people put interesting things on them to read. I also enjoy writing on my blog, but there is that fine line between being brutally honest and sharing everything and put only what you are willing to have read and repeated back to your face put out there. Still, to the people whose blogs I read, get off your ass and write something dang it!!

Baths, my kids always want to take a bath, not a shower. I don't blame them, it's pretty relaxing to sit in that warm water and just relax, or in their case play. I have a ton of rubber duckies, I mean literally I have like 600+ rubber duckies due to a fluke spontaneous purchase during the time of trying to make my marriage work. So yeah, bath time is a riot. If I'm ever rich, I want a house with a nice big tub I can take a nice bath in. I don't like to take baths very often, oddly enough I don't enjoy being wet so the quicker I can get into a shower, soaped up, rinsed off, and out on dry land again the happier I am, but it would be nice to have a nice tub for those times when I did feel like a real bath. Maybe there would even be room for me and all my duckies. ;)

Boyfriends, so I'm single again, and I have no idea what to do with that. I married my first boyfriend, and honestly, when he and I "dated" we really only went on like four dates total. The rest of the time was "hanging out". The idea of actually dating again terrifies me. I think I could be okay with being single forever, except at the same time I would like to have other experiences. I guess I'll let time work that one out for me. In the meantime, it makes a great topic for a book.

Books, man I love books. I have tons of books, everywhere. And then you have my dream of someday writing a few of my own. I'm going to have to get a lot more disciplined before I can do that though, right now I'm too flighty and I don't commit enough. I need to get my rear in gear and get to it. I'll admit though, every time I'm at a store that sells books, when I pass the book section I do a quick visualization exercise and see my book there on the shelf. Maybe I should work on some visualization exercises on editing, as that's where I am stalling now.

Brett Erlich and Ben Hoffman, two of the guys who make InfoMania wonderful. Brett has now branched off to have a second show called The Rotten Tomatoes Show on Current, I believe I've mentioned it before here. Ben is of course the tech report guy and Brett is the Viral Video Film School professor, among other tidbit parts on InfoMania. If you haven't checked it out yet, click a link and check it out.

Birthdays, my sister had a birthday this past Sunday, and I called but didn't get through to her, so Happy Birthday Sis, and I hope you had a good one!!

Better stop there. I'm feeling light headed and it's time to turn in. I hope you all have a beautiful night and a wonderful Wednesday!! I'm hoping to feel better by then so I can be back to 100%, and then if I could get a job interview or win the lottery that would just top the day off wonderfully. Or heck, why not have both?! ;) Take care!

Alpha blog challenge

Aloha! I'm starting the alpha blog challenge, 26 consecutive posts each beginning with the letters of the alphabet. I'm trying to get my blogging more regular (kind of like Metamucil for the soul I guess), so lets see if this helps. Now what to blog about?

Admiration, that's a good one. I admire people who go after what they want, who have beautiful senses of humor, and occasionally I'll sit back and admire the attractiveness of someone who has a personality tick that intrigues me.

Animals, I miss my pets. I bought a book on kittens at the book fair thinking it would be a way to look at the cute little snuggums but instead it just depresses me that I can never have a cat again. I have had pets my whole life practically, and I'll admit that not having one is really kind of depressing, especially since it isn't a temporary situation but pretty much permanent. Maybe I'll get a guinea pig.

Allergies, tied into the above, I hate stinking allergies! My poor kids, their lives are altered because of them. I blame my ex, he was the one that was always allergic to everything. I'm only allergic to medication. I seriously think I need to go see a professional allergy doc though, I just have to fight with my regular doc to get the referral. Why, with two children with allergies I cannot just ask for that appointment I don't know. Stupid rules!

Advice, you know that old saying about advice and assholes? Hee, that cracks me up. I get lots of advice right now. There is something about going through a divorce and looking for a job that just seems to be a neon beacon for people to come to me and dump advice on me. I get that people are trying to help, but some of the advice is just flat out stupid. I guess you just have to be a penguin in that situation and smile and wave, boys, just smile and wave.

Affection, I miss the kind of affection you get from a true partner. Granted I haven't really had it for years, my ex was MIA and AWOL long before he finally moved out, but I remember the tender moments from when we had them. There are times when you just want to be held, because being held lets you know that it will be alright. I miss that. Thankfully my kids love to give me affection so hugs and kisses are always rained upon me, but it would be nice to just be held by someone who makes it alright again.

Aggravation, my ex still frustrates me regularly, but I'm trying to get to the point where that stuff doesn't bother me. It's frustrating to still be looking for a job. I could do so many things if I could just find a company to give me a chance. I know if I hang in there it will happen, it's just getting frustrating because I need a job already.

Awesome, first I love this word and use it way too much, and second things I think are awesome this week: Twitter, InfoMania, Writing Quotes, Post-it notes, and small journals. Hmm, maybe I should make that a weekly thing too. I'll consider it.

Addictive, I'm off Dr. Pepper for a bit again, I guess I haven't had one in probably six days or so although I'll admit I'm pining pretty badly so if I get out today I might pick one up. Also there is a patchwork game at BigFishGames.com that is addictive in that it never seems to end!! I got up to level 93 after playing for two days (coming and going) and then I accidentally hit the wrong button and moved away from the page and so of course I had to start over. AAARRGGGHHH!!!! I didn't, I wasn't going to spend another two days working my way back up to there, but if anyone does make it to the end, leave me a comment and tell me how many levels there are in total, please?? I'm guessing there are 100, but I'll never know. :(

Accomplishment, I finished the leopard costume for my daughter this weekend. She is in a play on Thursday and so we were supposed to buy a sweat suit and alter it into a leopard costume. Have I mentioned here before that I don't sew? Or hey, how about the fact that in March nobody sells sweatsuits because it's spring and never mind the snow outside, we are selling bikinis and shorts!! I scoured the internet and every company in town and finally found one place that would order her a suit in her size. She really needed yellow but nobody had yellow so she ended up with white and so she's a snow leopard I guess. Anyway, we got the suit, painted spots all over it, whipped up a tail and ears and I'm done with it. My ex was here and he did help with some of the painting and he did stitch the tail to the pants after I finished making the tail, but I did stitch the ears and the tail itself. Yea me, right?

Accounting, hee, I just remembered two of my online classes start with "A" so here we go. I am taking fundamentals of accounting and I have such a love/hate relationship with it, it's not even funny. I like working with the numbers, I like filling out the little ledgers and journals, etc, but some of the logic there just is way over my head. Assets increase with debit? Liabilities increase with credit? That just doesn't seem right. I used to want to be an accountant because I loved money math, now I realize accounting has it's own math system and I'm not so enamored with it anymore.

Administrative Assistant, okay I really do not like this class. It's not hard, not really, but it is like slogging through mud. I'm not interested in what they are teaching, I fail to see how it's relevant, and I feel like it's a waste of time and money. I'm not sure what I thought they would teach me in this course, but apparently it isn't what they have been teaching me. I can't wait for this one to end and be done with.

Anything else? Hmm, well I'm still looking for a job, still editing Empathy, still trying to get back into writing, although I haven't written on Mirror Man or Hudson House in like three weeks. Yesterday I did write some on a new story called "Not Really Looking", which so far is all me and kind of a purge/story combo. I'll either alter it later to fictionalize it or I'll save it for my eyes only and leave it at that. I'm not really interested in shopping around my own real life story. ;) This week will be busy as I have appointments Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and I need to get out there and return my videos and library stuff before I get fines. Hopefully I'll get some job interviews in there as well. Fingers crossed!!

As always, take care of yourself, and have an awesome day!!

Tweet Tweet!

Okay, so I'm loving Twitter!! How does anyone get anything done, I don't know, but I promised I'd get back to my editing so this will be quick.

Sergio Cilli is trying to get to 200 followers by the end of the day, so if you read this, head over and follow him (why does that make me think of religious leaders when I see "followers"? no idea). Click his name for the link. He is the music man who does "Sergio's White Hot Top Five" on InfoMania, and he's awesome, so go follow him. He'll lead you to great music, unless it's a crap top five for the week. ;) Just kidding, even the crap top five have redeeming qualities, like showing you what music not to download. I'll admit Sergio has turned me onto several artists I hadn't heard of before and helped launch me into the world of buying MP3's, so go Serg for dragging this girl out of the pre-digital age funk. ;)

While you are at it, head over to Current and check the whole team out, cause seriously, those people are entertaining. The whole InfoMania team is awesome, and that goes to all the people behind the scenes as well as the talent in front of the green screen as well.

Now I seriously have to get away from this screen and edit my book. Have a great day and hug someone you love, and if you don't have someone to hug, well leave me a comment or send me an email and I'll send some love your way. ;) I've got plenty to share. Peace, Love, and Sunshine!

Mired but still Fighting

Hello, seriously I suck at this daily journaling thing. If journaling was something you could do five times a year and be good, I'd be golden, but remembering to be regular at it, that's hard. It's not that I don't have things to say, goodness no, I could blather on all day long, it's just taking the time to sit and type it all out and post it here that is the stickler.

Well what's new, hmm. I'm enrolled in some online classes. I'm taking accounting, admin assistant, Excel and computers for the workplace. All in the hopes that I'll get a job soon, high hopes, high hopes. Computers for the workplace is a cake walk, it's stuff I learned years ago but I'm hoping there will be a few tidbits in there I didn't know about before. Administrative Assistant is interesting, although kind of scary. Excel is a lot more fun than I thought it would be, I thought that would be the hard class and instead, it's the one I want to play on all the time. Accounting is kicking my rear. I'm so glad I took this class before enrolling in a whole four year accounting degree program, I would have been miserable!! I love money math, but Accounting takes money math and warps it into accounts, and accounts are weird! I'm trying to learn the whole "assets increase debit, liabilities increase credit" thing. That seems so backwards to me!! The only way I understand it is that it doesn't make any sense so it has to be that way. I'm hoping it will click in soon. Then there is the whole double reporting accounts, that warps my brain a little too. I'm doing well with it but I am very confused.

On the writing front I'm stalled out. I haven't written in two weeks. I've been trying to edit Empathy and I'm failing. I suck at macro editing, I have the first two chapters that need to be whittled down and reworked into a single chapter, and I can't seem to do it. I want to pull my hair out, scream, and burn the damn thing in effigy. Maybe I will, I still have it electronically backed up. I'm determined to get through it today if I have to tie myself to a chair to do it.

In other news, I am attempting to Twitter. Considering how frequent I am here you can imagine how great I'll be at that (not to mention do I ever do anything interesting enough to tweet about? I'm not sure). Conor Knighton, the host of infoMania, mentioned he twittered and I followed his link to check it out. Now I have all the people from infoMania followed, as I love those people. InfoMania was the one and only show I would watch, but now I also watch The Rotten Tomatoes show with Brett Erlich and Ellen Fox, and I am actually watching a show on television again (pause to gasp in shock), I'm watching Castle, with Nathan Fillion. I love Nathan Fillion, he's very entertaining to watch and also watching the main character, who is a writer, go through his though processes is pretty interesting. Although I will say, episode three did not have so much of the "writer" part in it. We'll see how long I can stand watching TV again before I give it up again.

Speaking of the writer process, I love to hear about how other writers do their thing. Well heck, I love to hear about how anyone does their thing, no matter what the job is. I chatted up the Department of Transportation guys at the job fair two weeks ago on how you make asphalt and the different purposes of surface materials, why? Well it's kind of interesting for one, and they were very friendly and willing to talk for two, and heck, you never know when that information might come in handy for three.

My process? Well first I get a bud of an idea, an image, a question, a person, and I start turning it over in my mind, like a pretty rock I'm trying to identify. Then come the questions, who is this, why is this, what is this, who cares? I keep asking questions and more and more of the idea comes into view, and then if I didn't start with a character, one will step out of the ether and begin to talk or react, and I'm looking at this person, and they begin to take shape and form and develop. I watch them, listen to them, see them move through situations and discover new things. Usually another character or two will slip out then, and they start to interact, further flushing themselves out. Then I start to see where they are headed, what they are doing, why the initial idea was important. I let them talk and play and explore in my head for a week or two, sometimes more, then one day, I sit down, and I write.

I also have an "office" where my characters apparently enjoy meeting up with me and chatting. It's odd because when they chat in my head, they discuss with each other, they don't interact with me at all, I'm an invisible observer, however when I'm in my "office" they step out and speak to me directly. They tell me what they are unhappy with, what they want to do, what they don't want to do, they crab at me for not writing about them, or for writing the wrong thing. Yep, they talk to me, in my "office", which happens to be my shower, I suppose because that's the one place in the world where for a few minutes I get peace and quiet and solitude, so why not have the spectres of the brain come out and harass me in there?? Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but I'm beginning to think you have to be a little crazy in order to be a writer. At the very least your normal has to be skewed a bit.

Other than that I've just been dealing and wheeling. I did get out this weekend and saw Paul Blart Mall Cop. Kevin James is funny. He has some skills on a sequeway too! I have no idea if that's the correct way to spell sequeway, I'll just say that now as I'm not sure spell check will know what the heck I mean and correct it. The kids just started school again after having a week off for spring break. They had a pretty good time, we went up to the Oklahoma Aquarium and to visit some family and then their cousins came out and spent some time with them and they went camping with their dad. I think they also went to the zoo and saw a couple of movies with their dad too (yes, while camping). They also went fishing and apparently caught several fish although they had to throw them all back because they didn't have something to bring them home in and my daughter was upset because she wanted to cook and eat her fish. Too funny! Oh, speaking of fish, at the OK Aquarium we saw a 98 pound blue catfish, that thing was a monster!! I love seeing huge fish, although sometimes they scare the crap out of me.

All in all, not too bad. The weather is getting warmer, although that means I'll have to clean the yard soon, which means the risk of snakes. I hate snakes, I hate them, I hate them I hate them, they scare the crap out of me. I'm such a wimp. I'm seriously considering moving into an apartment just so I don't have to deal with snakes. Of course with my luck, they would still end up there. Still, I prefer the warmer weather to the cold weather, and it's nice to be able to run around in shorts again.

Well I better get off here and see the kids off to school. I hope you have a beautiful day and take care of yourself!

Feeling Better

Well, I finally drug myself out of my funk. I had considered calling in sick and cancelling my plans and just laying on the couch with a blanket over my head all night, but then that drive to not let other people down got to me and so I packed the kids up, took them to grandma's, and then went to my writing group.

First off, by getting out I was driving and listening to music. I need to put a post it note that when I feel lost to get in the car and just drive because really, between driving fast and having the music up loud, that alone does wonders for my mood. Since I was in for some wheels and squeals therapy anyway, I took the "fun road" which is somewhat off the standard path, but a really great road to drive on. It has huge hills, and one twisty part with curves that are just a joy to maneuver. I would love to be able to close that road off and be able to drive it at whatever speeds I felt like instead of having to obey the speed limit and fear for other traffic. That road would be awesome at 70-90 miles an hour. I might not survive it, but it would be one hell of a ride!

Anyway, so I drove fast, sang loud, and then I was really feeling good again. I went to my writing group, a wonderful group of ladies, I love them. I read my new story, which I really enjoyed sharing. I also got chewed on to get busy with my editing, so I'll get on that. All in all, a wonderful night.

The problem that put me into a funk in the first place is still something I need to work out, but I think I'll get some space and see if I don't see the proper solution when I can get the right focus on it. I'm sure I'll figure it out sooner or later. In the meantime, the road is long and the beat is loud. Roll on.

Into the Cold Darkness

I should be writing. I should be writing and I should be doing laundry. I should be paying my bills, and cleaning the kitchen and vacuuming. Thank god for spell check, because I can't spell vacuuming, I'll admit it right now. I should be printing my story for tonight's writing group. I should be filing the stack of insurance forms that came in the mail yesterday. I should be laughing and feeling good.

I'm tired, and not because I stayed up late, although I did do that last night. I'm weary, but not because I woke up early. I'm lost, and it's not because I don't know what I need to be doing, but because I don't know what to do. I sleep, I wake, I shiver in the cold that is my skin, I cry. Repeat.

I got an email today from PostSecret. If you aren't familiar with PostSecret it's a program started by a man, I won't bother to look up his name, where he encouraged people to create postcards and write secrets that they have never told anyone, that are true, and mail them anonymously to him. He then gathered them and published them into a book. I think he has four or five books out now. Fascinating idea if you think about it, he's getting rich off of other's desperate hope to be heard.

Anyway, I thought about that, all those secrets, flowing out there through the mail, like tiny bubbles trying to raise up to heaven to be heard, messages in bottles fighting against the waves to find a shore and an eye, and a heart to understand them. Do we all desperately want to let someone know what's in those deep dark places inside of us? Yes, I think we do. So what happens when you find someone who listens, and embraces you, and reads all your secrets, catches all your bubbles, gathers all your bottles? It's euphoria, right?

Yes, it can be. You tear down the walls, you break down the doors, you rip apart the bars and bare the deepest parts of your soul that surprise even yourself. You say the things you've never allowed to be uttered outside your own mind. You let your true ugliness show, and in the process show the beauty you hide from the rest of the world as well. You are real, 3-D, fully technicolor and brilliant. You are naked and raw standing before this beautiful guardian of your secrets, and place the keys trustingly into their hands. It's wonderful, right?

It can be. In theory I suppose. You know there was a theory once that to lay eyes upon God would be more than a mere mortal could experience and they would be destroyed from the sheer overwhelming nature of what they are trying to behold. Maybe that's true about bearing your soul and all of your secrets also. Maybe that is just more honesty and truth and rawness than can be shared and understood, and doomed to self destruction. Maybe it's like that theoretical first brief glimpse of God, where it feels incredible and wonderful and you cannot believe you are the lucky soul to be given this gift and you open up so you can fully embrace the glory of what's before you and then you are just ripped apart, tissue by tissue, molecule by molecule and all there is is a searing non ending pain and you can't figure out what you did wrong but somehow you have broken a universal law of nature and now you are being punished for it. It's too late to tear free, it's too late to undo what you have done, and so you are ravaged with soul rendering agony until the final remains slam shut, and everything goes cold, and dark, and empty, and all that remains that can be felt at all is the echoing residue of that all encompassing pain.

Maybe it's better to release one tiny secret, one dim shadow from the dark places on our souls, into the universe to be washed upon a welcome shore or be lost at sea. Maybe that is all we are allowed, tiny moments, random and uncertain, released to the wind. Maybe to want more is to beg for disaster. I don't know.

I should pay my bills. I should fold my laundry. I should print my story. I should eat something, I haven't eaten all day. But I won't, because the cold is getting to me again. So I'll curl up again, and I'll shut my eyes against the light I can see but no longer feel, and I'll pull that darkness over me and pray to escape. Until I wake again.

Sunshine and Roses

It is a beautiful day in the world, you know that? I am just glowing today, absolutely on fire. I feel alive today, like my very skin is dancing with joy. My heart just sings, and I can't help but think of wonderful things that tug at me in delicious ways of pure enchantment. Yep, I'm delighted.

Why so wonderful? Many reasons, but really I just feel alive and at peace with the universe for a moment. It's good to feel that way. I feel beautiful today, and I feel magnificent, and I just feel like I could do anything. Just incredible!

Still working on my mystery story, I have two and a half chapters done, and can't wait to get more out there. The kids barely had any homework tonight, which is always nice. Leftovers for dinner (you have to do that from time to time I'm afraid, just to clear out the fridge) and so I'm ready to go to bed on time!

Still no word from the job interview, but honestly I expect it to take a week. In the meantime, I'm a full time writer looking for a second job. I believe that if you trust in the universe, and let go and don't fight it, that all good things will be found right where you least expect them and everything will work out in the end. I know I've had enough proof of that in my life. The key is to learn to let go.

Anyway, I'm just delighted and hoping you are all having a wonderful moment in time as well. If not, hang in there, it's coming.

Peace, Love and Hope. T-out!

A little more detail

Well I had my first job interview last night. All in all I thought it went well. I didn't cry and I didn't freak out, well at least not there, so hey, that's a success, right? I did cry and freak out at home, but then again, I have to go through those maelstroms to release that energy so I can breathe again. I still wish I could just stay home and write, but I know that I will get to that point someday.

I can't remember if I mentioned in the last post about my new story or not, but I'm writing a mystery. Actually, it's a psychological suspense, but I believe that's a sub genre of mystery, and if it's not, don't tell me because I'm doing this for a mystery class and I've had a hell of time working it out and I think I'm actually doing well for once, so leave me to my delusions. The mystery class is part of my local writing group, which I love. It's wonderful to go and sit with those ladies and just hear all the great stories. It's also nice to get to be just an adult for awhile without kids. My new story is really tense and kind of tricky because it's about a guy with all sorts of interesting neurosis's and issues and digging into that, both what causes it and what that makes him do, it's fascinating. I love to just crawl inside his head and look around, and see the world through his filters. Amazing!

I mentioned in my last post that I'm getting divorced. We haven't started the paperwork yet but it is definitely over. It's been almost two months now since he left, and I'm surprised at how well we all adjusted. It's really for the best, and I think we will both be happier in the long run, although I do mourn the loss of our relationship. My views on marriage are all screwed up now too, I don't know if I could ever do that again, but I guess if the right guy came along I would probably jump in again. I don't know, it's one of those things that I'm not planning on, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

The kids started public school and really enjoy it. It was hard on me at first losing our homeschooling, but I coped through it. I did cry when they got on the bus the first day, but really it was my daughter's first day ever to go off to school, and I cried when my son first went off to school in Kindergarten so it was to be expected. I'm such a girl sometimes. Anyway, I cried for a few minutes then I was okay, so all in all we adjusted well.

I found out my daughter was allergic to our pets so we had to give up our three cats and one dog. The other dog had been hurting and she was put down a few weeks prior. That was hard, and really tore up my ex. It was hard seeing him go through that. It broke my heart, he was so upset.

As for me, well I'm adjusting to being single and on my own. It's kind of weird, and kind of nice. It's a lot of responsibility, being the only parent, having to do all the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, all the errands, all the homework, everything, but I'm managing. My therapist said I was intelligent and doing a wonderful job coping. Actually everyone says I'm doing a wonderful job coping, only they say it in a weird way like they are shocked. I don't know if that means that they expect me to be a basket case or what, but it's odd. The other thing they all keep telling me is how I will find someone else, as if it would be bad for me to be alone. I think it would be good to be able to be okay alone, but I think it will be okay. There are some wonderful people out there, I've been blessed to know a few, and it would be wonderful to find one to keep. At the very least my heart beats and it lets me know I'm alive.

I absolutely love driving my car. It's so funny because I used to get so bugged out with driving, and I still get a little bugged out in some places, but I love that little green monster. It's funny because that model has a grill that people have said look like sharks teeth, and from the front it does look pretty aggressive for such a cute little sedan, but I love it. And after all this time, I find I like to drive fast. Not like insanely fast, but I'll admit I can finally understand why my ex always wanted to go five to ten miles over the speed limit. I would love to go someplace where you can just floor it, I love to accelerate. I'm sure there is some kind of sexual connotation to be made there, but I'll leave it up to you to make it. I love to have the radio up loud, singing along and just moving down the road. Beautiful!!

It's getting warmer here, and it looks like that damn groundhog might have been okay after all. I'm so ready for spring!! I keep checking the long outlook but everything is looking like it's getting warmer and warmer. We are actually supposed to get up to 76 later this week. Woohoo, heatwave!! I might just wash my car again.

Well I better close this up and eat something. I hope you all have a wonderful day! Peace, Love, and Cookies!!

I'm back

Well, after a long absence I'm finally back. Ever the Tina in Transition I have changed a lot in the time I was gone. My marriage is over, my children are no longer homeschooled, I no longer have pets and pretty soon I'll be a working girl again, but you know what, it's okay, it's glorious, and I'm ready to start the next chapter of my life.

In writing news, well I finished my NaNo book, which is currently tentatively titled "Empathy". I'm in the editing process now with it and I'm working on another story for my local writing group. My soul has embraced my desire to be a writer and I now know that one way or another I will keep working and moving forward to becoming a published author. It's kind of scary, but I know it will be worth it.

Other than that, I've been dealing with being a single mom, driving my car with renewed interest, enjoying the friendship and compassion that those who are close to me offer, and generally I'm surviving and thriving. I did miss blogging though, so I'm glad to have it back.

I wish you all the very best, and I'll post more soon. Peace, Love and Cookies!!