Well, I finally drug myself out of my funk. I had considered calling in sick and cancelling my plans and just laying on the couch with a blanket over my head all night, but then that drive to not let other people down got to me and so I packed the kids up, took them to grandma's, and then went to my writing group.
First off, by getting out I was driving and listening to music. I need to put a post it note that when I feel lost to get in the car and just drive because really, between driving fast and having the music up loud, that alone does wonders for my mood. Since I was in for some wheels and squeals therapy anyway, I took the "fun road" which is somewhat off the standard path, but a really great road to drive on. It has huge hills, and one twisty part with curves that are just a joy to maneuver. I would love to be able to close that road off and be able to drive it at whatever speeds I felt like instead of having to obey the speed limit and fear for other traffic. That road would be awesome at 70-90 miles an hour. I might not survive it, but it would be one hell of a ride!
Anyway, so I drove fast, sang loud, and then I was really feeling good again. I went to my writing group, a wonderful group of ladies, I love them. I read my new story, which I really enjoyed sharing. I also got chewed on to get busy with my editing, so I'll get on that. All in all, a wonderful night.
The problem that put me into a funk in the first place is still something I need to work out, but I think I'll get some space and see if I don't see the proper solution when I can get the right focus on it. I'm sure I'll figure it out sooner or later. In the meantime, the road is long and the beat is loud. Roll on.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Into the Cold Darkness
I should be writing. I should be writing and I should be doing laundry. I should be paying my bills, and cleaning the kitchen and vacuuming. Thank god for spell check, because I can't spell vacuuming, I'll admit it right now. I should be printing my story for tonight's writing group. I should be filing the stack of insurance forms that came in the mail yesterday. I should be laughing and feeling good.
I'm tired, and not because I stayed up late, although I did do that last night. I'm weary, but not because I woke up early. I'm lost, and it's not because I don't know what I need to be doing, but because I don't know what to do. I sleep, I wake, I shiver in the cold that is my skin, I cry. Repeat.
I got an email today from PostSecret. If you aren't familiar with PostSecret it's a program started by a man, I won't bother to look up his name, where he encouraged people to create postcards and write secrets that they have never told anyone, that are true, and mail them anonymously to him. He then gathered them and published them into a book. I think he has four or five books out now. Fascinating idea if you think about it, he's getting rich off of other's desperate hope to be heard.
Anyway, I thought about that, all those secrets, flowing out there through the mail, like tiny bubbles trying to raise up to heaven to be heard, messages in bottles fighting against the waves to find a shore and an eye, and a heart to understand them. Do we all desperately want to let someone know what's in those deep dark places inside of us? Yes, I think we do. So what happens when you find someone who listens, and embraces you, and reads all your secrets, catches all your bubbles, gathers all your bottles? It's euphoria, right?
Yes, it can be. You tear down the walls, you break down the doors, you rip apart the bars and bare the deepest parts of your soul that surprise even yourself. You say the things you've never allowed to be uttered outside your own mind. You let your true ugliness show, and in the process show the beauty you hide from the rest of the world as well. You are real, 3-D, fully technicolor and brilliant. You are naked and raw standing before this beautiful guardian of your secrets, and place the keys trustingly into their hands. It's wonderful, right?
It can be. In theory I suppose. You know there was a theory once that to lay eyes upon God would be more than a mere mortal could experience and they would be destroyed from the sheer overwhelming nature of what they are trying to behold. Maybe that's true about bearing your soul and all of your secrets also. Maybe that is just more honesty and truth and rawness than can be shared and understood, and doomed to self destruction. Maybe it's like that theoretical first brief glimpse of God, where it feels incredible and wonderful and you cannot believe you are the lucky soul to be given this gift and you open up so you can fully embrace the glory of what's before you and then you are just ripped apart, tissue by tissue, molecule by molecule and all there is is a searing non ending pain and you can't figure out what you did wrong but somehow you have broken a universal law of nature and now you are being punished for it. It's too late to tear free, it's too late to undo what you have done, and so you are ravaged with soul rendering agony until the final remains slam shut, and everything goes cold, and dark, and empty, and all that remains that can be felt at all is the echoing residue of that all encompassing pain.
Maybe it's better to release one tiny secret, one dim shadow from the dark places on our souls, into the universe to be washed upon a welcome shore or be lost at sea. Maybe that is all we are allowed, tiny moments, random and uncertain, released to the wind. Maybe to want more is to beg for disaster. I don't know.
I should pay my bills. I should fold my laundry. I should print my story. I should eat something, I haven't eaten all day. But I won't, because the cold is getting to me again. So I'll curl up again, and I'll shut my eyes against the light I can see but no longer feel, and I'll pull that darkness over me and pray to escape. Until I wake again.
I'm tired, and not because I stayed up late, although I did do that last night. I'm weary, but not because I woke up early. I'm lost, and it's not because I don't know what I need to be doing, but because I don't know what to do. I sleep, I wake, I shiver in the cold that is my skin, I cry. Repeat.
I got an email today from PostSecret. If you aren't familiar with PostSecret it's a program started by a man, I won't bother to look up his name, where he encouraged people to create postcards and write secrets that they have never told anyone, that are true, and mail them anonymously to him. He then gathered them and published them into a book. I think he has four or five books out now. Fascinating idea if you think about it, he's getting rich off of other's desperate hope to be heard.
Anyway, I thought about that, all those secrets, flowing out there through the mail, like tiny bubbles trying to raise up to heaven to be heard, messages in bottles fighting against the waves to find a shore and an eye, and a heart to understand them. Do we all desperately want to let someone know what's in those deep dark places inside of us? Yes, I think we do. So what happens when you find someone who listens, and embraces you, and reads all your secrets, catches all your bubbles, gathers all your bottles? It's euphoria, right?
Yes, it can be. You tear down the walls, you break down the doors, you rip apart the bars and bare the deepest parts of your soul that surprise even yourself. You say the things you've never allowed to be uttered outside your own mind. You let your true ugliness show, and in the process show the beauty you hide from the rest of the world as well. You are real, 3-D, fully technicolor and brilliant. You are naked and raw standing before this beautiful guardian of your secrets, and place the keys trustingly into their hands. It's wonderful, right?
It can be. In theory I suppose. You know there was a theory once that to lay eyes upon God would be more than a mere mortal could experience and they would be destroyed from the sheer overwhelming nature of what they are trying to behold. Maybe that's true about bearing your soul and all of your secrets also. Maybe that is just more honesty and truth and rawness than can be shared and understood, and doomed to self destruction. Maybe it's like that theoretical first brief glimpse of God, where it feels incredible and wonderful and you cannot believe you are the lucky soul to be given this gift and you open up so you can fully embrace the glory of what's before you and then you are just ripped apart, tissue by tissue, molecule by molecule and all there is is a searing non ending pain and you can't figure out what you did wrong but somehow you have broken a universal law of nature and now you are being punished for it. It's too late to tear free, it's too late to undo what you have done, and so you are ravaged with soul rendering agony until the final remains slam shut, and everything goes cold, and dark, and empty, and all that remains that can be felt at all is the echoing residue of that all encompassing pain.
Maybe it's better to release one tiny secret, one dim shadow from the dark places on our souls, into the universe to be washed upon a welcome shore or be lost at sea. Maybe that is all we are allowed, tiny moments, random and uncertain, released to the wind. Maybe to want more is to beg for disaster. I don't know.
I should pay my bills. I should fold my laundry. I should print my story. I should eat something, I haven't eaten all day. But I won't, because the cold is getting to me again. So I'll curl up again, and I'll shut my eyes against the light I can see but no longer feel, and I'll pull that darkness over me and pray to escape. Until I wake again.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunshine and Roses
It is a beautiful day in the world, you know that? I am just glowing today, absolutely on fire. I feel alive today, like my very skin is dancing with joy. My heart just sings, and I can't help but think of wonderful things that tug at me in delicious ways of pure enchantment. Yep, I'm delighted.
Why so wonderful? Many reasons, but really I just feel alive and at peace with the universe for a moment. It's good to feel that way. I feel beautiful today, and I feel magnificent, and I just feel like I could do anything. Just incredible!
Still working on my mystery story, I have two and a half chapters done, and can't wait to get more out there. The kids barely had any homework tonight, which is always nice. Leftovers for dinner (you have to do that from time to time I'm afraid, just to clear out the fridge) and so I'm ready to go to bed on time!
Still no word from the job interview, but honestly I expect it to take a week. In the meantime, I'm a full time writer looking for a second job. I believe that if you trust in the universe, and let go and don't fight it, that all good things will be found right where you least expect them and everything will work out in the end. I know I've had enough proof of that in my life. The key is to learn to let go.
Anyway, I'm just delighted and hoping you are all having a wonderful moment in time as well. If not, hang in there, it's coming.
Peace, Love and Hope. T-out!
Why so wonderful? Many reasons, but really I just feel alive and at peace with the universe for a moment. It's good to feel that way. I feel beautiful today, and I feel magnificent, and I just feel like I could do anything. Just incredible!
Still working on my mystery story, I have two and a half chapters done, and can't wait to get more out there. The kids barely had any homework tonight, which is always nice. Leftovers for dinner (you have to do that from time to time I'm afraid, just to clear out the fridge) and so I'm ready to go to bed on time!
Still no word from the job interview, but honestly I expect it to take a week. In the meantime, I'm a full time writer looking for a second job. I believe that if you trust in the universe, and let go and don't fight it, that all good things will be found right where you least expect them and everything will work out in the end. I know I've had enough proof of that in my life. The key is to learn to let go.
Anyway, I'm just delighted and hoping you are all having a wonderful moment in time as well. If not, hang in there, it's coming.
Peace, Love and Hope. T-out!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A little more detail
Well I had my first job interview last night. All in all I thought it went well. I didn't cry and I didn't freak out, well at least not there, so hey, that's a success, right? I did cry and freak out at home, but then again, I have to go through those maelstroms to release that energy so I can breathe again. I still wish I could just stay home and write, but I know that I will get to that point someday.
I can't remember if I mentioned in the last post about my new story or not, but I'm writing a mystery. Actually, it's a psychological suspense, but I believe that's a sub genre of mystery, and if it's not, don't tell me because I'm doing this for a mystery class and I've had a hell of time working it out and I think I'm actually doing well for once, so leave me to my delusions. The mystery class is part of my local writing group, which I love. It's wonderful to go and sit with those ladies and just hear all the great stories. It's also nice to get to be just an adult for awhile without kids. My new story is really tense and kind of tricky because it's about a guy with all sorts of interesting neurosis's and issues and digging into that, both what causes it and what that makes him do, it's fascinating. I love to just crawl inside his head and look around, and see the world through his filters. Amazing!
I mentioned in my last post that I'm getting divorced. We haven't started the paperwork yet but it is definitely over. It's been almost two months now since he left, and I'm surprised at how well we all adjusted. It's really for the best, and I think we will both be happier in the long run, although I do mourn the loss of our relationship. My views on marriage are all screwed up now too, I don't know if I could ever do that again, but I guess if the right guy came along I would probably jump in again. I don't know, it's one of those things that I'm not planning on, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
The kids started public school and really enjoy it. It was hard on me at first losing our homeschooling, but I coped through it. I did cry when they got on the bus the first day, but really it was my daughter's first day ever to go off to school, and I cried when my son first went off to school in Kindergarten so it was to be expected. I'm such a girl sometimes. Anyway, I cried for a few minutes then I was okay, so all in all we adjusted well.
I found out my daughter was allergic to our pets so we had to give up our three cats and one dog. The other dog had been hurting and she was put down a few weeks prior. That was hard, and really tore up my ex. It was hard seeing him go through that. It broke my heart, he was so upset.
As for me, well I'm adjusting to being single and on my own. It's kind of weird, and kind of nice. It's a lot of responsibility, being the only parent, having to do all the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, all the errands, all the homework, everything, but I'm managing. My therapist said I was intelligent and doing a wonderful job coping. Actually everyone says I'm doing a wonderful job coping, only they say it in a weird way like they are shocked. I don't know if that means that they expect me to be a basket case or what, but it's odd. The other thing they all keep telling me is how I will find someone else, as if it would be bad for me to be alone. I think it would be good to be able to be okay alone, but I think it will be okay. There are some wonderful people out there, I've been blessed to know a few, and it would be wonderful to find one to keep. At the very least my heart beats and it lets me know I'm alive.
I absolutely love driving my car. It's so funny because I used to get so bugged out with driving, and I still get a little bugged out in some places, but I love that little green monster. It's funny because that model has a grill that people have said look like sharks teeth, and from the front it does look pretty aggressive for such a cute little sedan, but I love it. And after all this time, I find I like to drive fast. Not like insanely fast, but I'll admit I can finally understand why my ex always wanted to go five to ten miles over the speed limit. I would love to go someplace where you can just floor it, I love to accelerate. I'm sure there is some kind of sexual connotation to be made there, but I'll leave it up to you to make it. I love to have the radio up loud, singing along and just moving down the road. Beautiful!!
It's getting warmer here, and it looks like that damn groundhog might have been okay after all. I'm so ready for spring!! I keep checking the long outlook but everything is looking like it's getting warmer and warmer. We are actually supposed to get up to 76 later this week. Woohoo, heatwave!! I might just wash my car again.
Well I better close this up and eat something. I hope you all have a wonderful day! Peace, Love, and Cookies!!
I can't remember if I mentioned in the last post about my new story or not, but I'm writing a mystery. Actually, it's a psychological suspense, but I believe that's a sub genre of mystery, and if it's not, don't tell me because I'm doing this for a mystery class and I've had a hell of time working it out and I think I'm actually doing well for once, so leave me to my delusions. The mystery class is part of my local writing group, which I love. It's wonderful to go and sit with those ladies and just hear all the great stories. It's also nice to get to be just an adult for awhile without kids. My new story is really tense and kind of tricky because it's about a guy with all sorts of interesting neurosis's and issues and digging into that, both what causes it and what that makes him do, it's fascinating. I love to just crawl inside his head and look around, and see the world through his filters. Amazing!
I mentioned in my last post that I'm getting divorced. We haven't started the paperwork yet but it is definitely over. It's been almost two months now since he left, and I'm surprised at how well we all adjusted. It's really for the best, and I think we will both be happier in the long run, although I do mourn the loss of our relationship. My views on marriage are all screwed up now too, I don't know if I could ever do that again, but I guess if the right guy came along I would probably jump in again. I don't know, it's one of those things that I'm not planning on, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
The kids started public school and really enjoy it. It was hard on me at first losing our homeschooling, but I coped through it. I did cry when they got on the bus the first day, but really it was my daughter's first day ever to go off to school, and I cried when my son first went off to school in Kindergarten so it was to be expected. I'm such a girl sometimes. Anyway, I cried for a few minutes then I was okay, so all in all we adjusted well.
I found out my daughter was allergic to our pets so we had to give up our three cats and one dog. The other dog had been hurting and she was put down a few weeks prior. That was hard, and really tore up my ex. It was hard seeing him go through that. It broke my heart, he was so upset.
As for me, well I'm adjusting to being single and on my own. It's kind of weird, and kind of nice. It's a lot of responsibility, being the only parent, having to do all the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, all the errands, all the homework, everything, but I'm managing. My therapist said I was intelligent and doing a wonderful job coping. Actually everyone says I'm doing a wonderful job coping, only they say it in a weird way like they are shocked. I don't know if that means that they expect me to be a basket case or what, but it's odd. The other thing they all keep telling me is how I will find someone else, as if it would be bad for me to be alone. I think it would be good to be able to be okay alone, but I think it will be okay. There are some wonderful people out there, I've been blessed to know a few, and it would be wonderful to find one to keep. At the very least my heart beats and it lets me know I'm alive.
I absolutely love driving my car. It's so funny because I used to get so bugged out with driving, and I still get a little bugged out in some places, but I love that little green monster. It's funny because that model has a grill that people have said look like sharks teeth, and from the front it does look pretty aggressive for such a cute little sedan, but I love it. And after all this time, I find I like to drive fast. Not like insanely fast, but I'll admit I can finally understand why my ex always wanted to go five to ten miles over the speed limit. I would love to go someplace where you can just floor it, I love to accelerate. I'm sure there is some kind of sexual connotation to be made there, but I'll leave it up to you to make it. I love to have the radio up loud, singing along and just moving down the road. Beautiful!!
It's getting warmer here, and it looks like that damn groundhog might have been okay after all. I'm so ready for spring!! I keep checking the long outlook but everything is looking like it's getting warmer and warmer. We are actually supposed to get up to 76 later this week. Woohoo, heatwave!! I might just wash my car again.
Well I better close this up and eat something. I hope you all have a wonderful day! Peace, Love, and Cookies!!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I'm back
Well, after a long absence I'm finally back. Ever the Tina in Transition I have changed a lot in the time I was gone. My marriage is over, my children are no longer homeschooled, I no longer have pets and pretty soon I'll be a working girl again, but you know what, it's okay, it's glorious, and I'm ready to start the next chapter of my life.
In writing news, well I finished my NaNo book, which is currently tentatively titled "Empathy". I'm in the editing process now with it and I'm working on another story for my local writing group. My soul has embraced my desire to be a writer and I now know that one way or another I will keep working and moving forward to becoming a published author. It's kind of scary, but I know it will be worth it.
Other than that, I've been dealing with being a single mom, driving my car with renewed interest, enjoying the friendship and compassion that those who are close to me offer, and generally I'm surviving and thriving. I did miss blogging though, so I'm glad to have it back.
I wish you all the very best, and I'll post more soon. Peace, Love and Cookies!!
In writing news, well I finished my NaNo book, which is currently tentatively titled "Empathy". I'm in the editing process now with it and I'm working on another story for my local writing group. My soul has embraced my desire to be a writer and I now know that one way or another I will keep working and moving forward to becoming a published author. It's kind of scary, but I know it will be worth it.
Other than that, I've been dealing with being a single mom, driving my car with renewed interest, enjoying the friendship and compassion that those who are close to me offer, and generally I'm surviving and thriving. I did miss blogging though, so I'm glad to have it back.
I wish you all the very best, and I'll post more soon. Peace, Love and Cookies!!
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