Time for my annual post, :)

Haha, something about Nanowrimo time always reminds me, hey, I have a blog I haven't been on in ages.


I'm going to brain dump because frankly it's a good thing to do before you start writing a novel so your characters don't inadvertently end up musing over your own life issues and letting that get in the way of their own adventures.

While driving to my parents house today, in a beautiful sunny, yet cool, October afternoon, I was jamming out to the radio and Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams came on. I love that song, and I think it's because I identify with the loneliness inside the lyrics. Sometimes I walk and wish someone would find me. My whole life I've been hoping someone would find me. When I was a kid, and would go visit my grandparents in the small town of Barnsdall, I would walk home from their bar in the warm summer night air, and I would run, run like the devil was chasing me, down any street, ducking around a corner, hiding in the bushes or behind someones trash cans, trying to silence my breathing while my chest felt like it was bursting and I would listen. Listen for the footsteps of the person chasing me, looking for me, trying to find me. They were never there, and I'd give up and find my way home, but deep inside that urge to flee and be found still lingers even today.

Speaking of Barnsdall, wow, what a mind trip. That tiny town that has been dying over the years is actually one of the many filming locations for the upcoming movie August: Osage County, which stars big names like Meryl Streep, Ewan McGregor, Julia Roberts, and I think it's directed by George Clooney. He's either the director or producer, I'm not sure. It blows my mind. They are also shooting in Pawhuska and Bartlesville. Way to go Oklahoma! And coincidentally, the high school here in Choctaw is also performing the play by the same name, that the movie is based on. I really want to go see it.

What else is rattling away inside my hollow skull. Hmm. I've had some interesting experiences and set backs this year. I've been blessed with some wonderful opportunities, I've done some really fun volunteer work and met lots of lovely people. The dating life has pretty much sucked, but that's okay. I spent most of the year hung up on a cling on I couldn't let go of, but finally found the closure I needed. The holidays are hard when you are alone. I still tend to feel like my life isn't supposed to be like this, I wasn't supposed to be thirty something and alone, but then again it's the "supposed to be"s that get in the way of what could be, so I'm working on letting go of it. I'm trying to keep busy and keep expanding my horizons.

So yes, obviously I'm doing Nano again this year, but I have decided I am really going to do it and complete it this year. I've played the lame duck for the past three years and had plenty of excuses to get away with it, but no more. It's time to either get serious, or let go of the dream of being a writer. I get to be a co-ml this year, so that's fun, I can't wait to plan some events.

Kids are doing great, work is okay, and my dog still thinks she's my baby. Generally life is pretty good, and when a good song comes on the radio, I'm rocking it out till the windows vibrate. I am working on being more honest with myself too.

In light of that, I'm scared. Wow that's hard to say. Ever since I got divorced, I've felt like I have to be strong and fearless and capable and in control. The truth is I'm terrified sometimes, and I'm lost sometimes, and sometimes I really want to hide somewhere and be weak and recover so I can be strong again. I used to beat myself up for feeling that way, but really, who am I kidding? I'm not super woman, and I'm human, I fail sometimes, I'm weak sometimes, I'm scared. It's okay, doesn't mean I can't handle things, just means I need to take time for me sometimes. It's still amazing how hard it is to say that though. Then again, I remember a time when it was painful to hear someone tell me I was beautiful, and I couldn't say it myself. I got through that, I'll get through this too.

Well I guess I better close up. I need to update my other blogs too. I've actually completed several of my cranes, even though I haven't updated there in over a year. Maybe I'll take that one down though, I don't know. We'll see.

Mmm, lots of free space in my brain now, time to go think about my novel. Only three days left to plan! Oh, and if I don't see you again before Halloween, eat a piece of candy for me. ;)

Back once more

Wow I haven't posted here in a long time, although to be fair that wasn't for lack of trying. My desktop has some glitch in it where it will not allow me to access any web pages that require log in so the only way to update my blog is from my laptop. Still, I should be more frequent than I've been, and I'll work on that.

What's been going on in my life, well there have been some changes. The wonderful man from the previous post is no more. We had a very nice loving relationship for about 8 months that finally ended after Memorial Day Weekend. I suppose it was meant to happen, he was young and I have a complicated life. Being single again was kind of a challenge to get used to again, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it again.

I'm still working at the medical center although all my time is spent on billing and new patients now. We are supposed to be getting our new EMR system sometime in the near future (which around there usually means within the next 8 months, but I think we might be closer to the next 3 months). I'm excited about that. I always enjoy learning new things, although I think billing will be a nightmare for about a year and a half after the switch.

The children are both doing well. My son starts middle school next month, something I'm a little anxious about. He will be in band and we had to go buy a clarinet, which let me tell you those suckers are expensive!! I had no idea they cost so much or I might have been pushing vocal music more since he already has that instrument. Oh well, maybe he will love it, and either way at least I gave him the opportunity to try. My daughter will be in Second grade, and she is doing better with her reading. It's challenging to stay on top of it over the summer with everything else going on, but we try. I ended up having to put them both in daycare for the summer, but I found a really awesome one that has lots of fun field trips all week long and so far they actually enjoy it and look forward to going and are upset when I pick them up so that's nice.

In personal news I am finally writing again after a long dry spell. It's hard to make myself do it sometimes but I feel so good when I do write that it's usually pretty easy to keep at it once I get started. Hopefully I'll have my routine completely in place by the time school starts. I also started a new challenge for myself, 1000 goals to complete in 10 years, which I call my Crane list. I set up a blog for it where you can read all about it here. It's a little silly maybe, but I like having a visual goal to work towards. So far I've completed 7 of my items, not too bad.

We also added a new family member, a German Shepard puppy named Jackson. He is so cute and growing so fast, he'll be a big ol' monster dog soon enough. It's been challenging adjusting to baby dog needs again, but the kids are so happy to have a pet again.

Nothing much else to report. Mostly I've just been the same ol' me, just busy and dealing with challenges. You know I think the people in my life present the most challenging aspects. Sometimes I want to rip my hair out, but I know I just have to push through.

Oh, I did one more thing, I finally set up face book. I still have no clue what I'm doing there, but it's something to play with. I found Frontier land or whatever it's called tonight, and I have to say that is fun. I can see how people can end up spending a lot of time on there.

Well I need to put the puppy to bed and get some more writing done, so take care, stay cool, and be kind to others. T-out!

Late as usual

Another belated update. It's not for lack of trying, there have been so many times I've started to post and got sidetracked and didn't do it. Story of my life!!

Let's see, quick update on things: I had a pretty good 4th of July, the only major mishap as a few firework incidents that the people across the street had where their multi shot artillery shells fell over and began rapid firing across my yard and at my guests. That sucked! My mother had a small burn where an ember from an exploding shell burned her arm but otherwise we were just shaken up mostly. My son was done with fireworks after that. On the plus side, I conquered lighting explosives, so add that to the list of fears I've sucked up and dealt with.

SoCNoC is officially over and I sucked big time. I failed! (I'm wailing here, can't you hear it?) Oh well, there is always NaNo in the fall. If I could afford to take a month off of work, I could probably make it work. ;) I wonder if I'll ever be able to embrace what I want to be without having to put up with what I have to be. I guess time will tell.

No progress on the dating front. I have met several people to be "friends" but no motion at all on the actual dating. I fantasize about chicken guy and leave it at that for now. I did check out a whole stack of books on dating (including "Dating for Idiots" or "Mating for Morons" or whatever that book is called). THAT was fun to check out from the kinda cute librarian guy. They have those flippin' pads where they can scan a whole stack of books in one pile so WHY did he have to finger through my entire stack? Maybe it was on the fritz, or maybe he just wanted to see how desperate I really am. "Men are Like Fish", yep, you're desperate when you check out an instruction guide that treats men like marlins. I read five pages and decided I'm not ready to date so now I'm sneaking back after midnight to return them in the after hours book drop.

I don't know why I want to date anyway, I'm not actually desperate for sex or anything like that. What I really want is just someone to spend time with, hang out, go to a movie with, curl up on the couch with and watch a video, etc. I think I kind of want to date so I face that fear, kind of like ripping off the bandaid, but I don't want to date because I don't want to be faced with the sex question. When I was younger, sex just wasn't an option, you are young, virginal, inexperienced whatever. It was a "Big Deal". Now I'm an adult, and it seems like sex is more standard fare and almost expected. I can't do that, I can't just sleep with someone I don't know. I'm slow to warm and I have to have a real connection and a relationship there. Does that make me a freak? Probably. You know what has come around since I was last on the market? "Friends with benefits". I can't even just be friends with someone any more, even that has to have benefits. Blech, I'm going to be single forever, and since I can't have cats I guess I'll be the crazy bear lady who has tons of stuffed bears that I name and dress up and push around in carriages like babies. Hee, okay I just cracked myself up.

Oooh!! Guess what!! There is going to be an Improv Festival here in the city!! So cool!! I love Improv!! I can't wait, it's going to be so much fun!!

On the art front, I'm still drawing and painting and now I'm gluing stuff (not sure if that's a step up or down). I'm still having fun, still not terribly talented but oh well. I'll scan some new things onto my art blog tomorrow. I met someone online who does clay sculpture, so now I'm considering playing with that. I would be such an awesome multi-faceted person if I actually had decent talent in all the arenas that interest me. ;)

Well it's late, and I'm due to get up early for work again in the morning. I hope you all have a wonderful week and that the down slope of summer treats you well! Eat an ice cream for me!!

Solitary Saturday Morning

Hello everybody, and I hope you are having a wonderful weekend! I'm on my own today as the kids are with their dad, but that's okay because I have a LOT to do today. Since my computer is right next to the rabbit I just fed I decided to knock out a blog update before I get on with it.

First off, to all who have viewed my art blog, thank you! I appreciate the kind comments. I also should say that a lot of the sadder/angrier Post Secret cards were "Moment in time" type things. Since the ex and I finished the appointment with the lawyer we have finally been mostly getting along and a lot of the tension there has diffused. I'm being appreciated at work and definitely know I'm a valued member of the team now, as well that I am not alone in a LOT of things I thought I was alone in. Let me tell you, that is true about life, 100%. Whatever you THINK you are alone in, you aren't, and if you just reach out to people, you will find we are all the same and we are all suffering our own burdens and many of us are on the same road together, we just don't know it. Some are a little further ahead on the road though, and when you find them, you find hope.

Anyway, as to SoCNoC, hello, my name is Tina and I'm a procrastinator. Seriously, there should be an Procrastinators Anonymous group out there. Actually they probably have the idea but keep putting off scheduling the meetings. Ha! Oh my, I just was checking my spelling and look what I noticed: procrasTINAtor, my NAME is in the word! No wonder I'm a classic case! Procrastinate, I'm in that one too. Dang. Anyway, where was I, oh yes. So I haven't written any more than the 2500 I wrote a week or so ago, but my plan is to work out the story line today and get as much knocked out as I can. It occurred to me that I had lots of grand ideas for characters and scenes and events but no story line to tie them all together or give a purpose to the whole tale, so I'm working on that now. I also have a ton of laundry to do so it will be start a load of laundry, write for an hour, change loads, write for an hour, change loads, write, repeat until finished.

As for the art front, I am enjoying that venture. I went out and bought a large set of colored pencils, and I enjoy using them although I need to buy some for my daughter because she keeps wanting to take mine. I checked out a book on art and it said you shouldn't focus so much on the result, but on the experience, the journey of the creation, so that's my mind set. I may never be an "artist" in the sense that my pictures are desired or oohed after, but the joy of creating images is what I'm going after, even if those images are lumpy, asymmetrical, or otherwise just wrong. Heck, look at Picasso, you compare some of his paintings to classic realism and he looks like a nut who can't draw or paint to save his life, but take him in the context of cubism and abstract and he's incredible, so who is to say what is right or wrong in art? I remember when we went to the art museum here in the city and seeing some pieces that made me think "THAT is art?? *I* could do better than THAT!", yet that piece had meaning to someone and expressed some thought or emotion or something. I remember there is one on the third floor, and I can't remember what it's called but it really looks like a giant piece of dog poo, it's huge and really odd. I don't mean that in a bad way, but I would love to be able to ask the artist where or what he was going for there, because I didn't get it. Then again, maybe that was the point, to throw you off balance and make you uneasy, some artists go for that too. Who knows?

I checked out a bunch of books from the library. I have no idea why, I don't really have time to read right now but I love the illuminated journals, if you haven't read one go find one! There is Spilling Open by Sabrina Ward Harrison (I think), and I just got another one that I can't remember the name or author of but it's just crazy and wonderful. I also checked out a bunch of books by SARK, and I've barely started reading them but already I want to buy every book this woman ever put out, they are amazing!! If you haven't read one, go get one now!! Anyway, so now I have a whole stack of books to read through as well. I wish someone would give me an Amazon gift card for my birthday so I could just buy a couple of the best ones to save for later, but I guess I can always recheck them later when I have more time.

Oh, totally irrelevant but just because I took a break to eat and it reminded me, I have found a new salad that I totally love!! At the clinic where I work the drug reps come by and bring us lunch a few times a week. Well this last week one of the reps brought this salad that had grilled chicken and cheese in it, and he had this dressing, I have no idea what kind it was, Italian maybe, but it was good. Anyway, I loved this salad with the chicken and the cheese and everything, so I popped off to the store to buy some grilled chicken and I picked up some of the fajita chicken and wow, does that make a good salad!! I love it!! Yum, yum, yum! Anyway, I know it was off topic but it's yummy so I had to share.

My rabbit is crazy! I'm beginning to think she might not be a rabbit at all but a cat or monkey in disguise. She climbs things!! Seriously, this rabbit has gotten four feet off the ground by climbing things!! I find her on the back of the couch, in the entertainment cabinet behind the TV, on top of chairs, etc. Today I left the top of her cage open after feeding her and when I looked over she was on top of her cage. I have no idea how she got out, but she did! She's so goofy!

Anyway, I know I'm rambling so I'll close for now. I need to go get the laundry going and get back to writing. I WILL have a story line and at least 5-10K written by the end of today, I insist!! Wish me luck!

Learning to be artistic

Or trying to be anyway. As you might know, I have a love/hate thing with Post Secret. I love the idea, I love the post cards, I love the secrets, it just creeps my craw that this guy is making all this money off of everyone else's deepest darkest secrets, but whatever. I mean he had a great idea, and I guess I should give him props for that, and if he was just making money off of the kindness of strangers it would be one thing, but these are people reaching out and hoping to be heard, it seems kind of like taking advantage of them somehow, but that's probably just me.

Anyway, my point is, I do love the books, and the website, and even his Twitter posts, and I know deep down inside he is helping people in his own way (and he does support Suicide Prevention, so it's not like he's laughing to the bank, he's a good person, really). I love the images and the art in the postcards, and I always think "I wish I could express myself like that!"

Except of course I'm not artistic. I can barely draw a stick figure, and I can't paint to save my life. But I want, OH how I want to!!

So I decided to go for it, I'm making Post Secret post cards and I'm drawing and I'm painting and I'm being artistic. Even if I suck at it. Why? Because I want to, and why should it matter if I suck? Why can't I express what my heart has to say, even if it's in a horrible drawing?

Will I mail them to PS? Probably not, at least not any time soon, but maybe someday. For now, I'm tucking them into my new journal, which cost $40 and is handmade with thick, rough hewn paper and I believe it's meant to be a watercolor sketch book but I love it. There is so much TEXTURE to it, the cover, the paper, everything, you just FEEL the solidity of it. It feels like whatever is captured there should be important, and for months I waited to find something important and worthy of that fine book, and finally I decided I was going to GIVE that book to myself, to mess up, to screw up, to draw funny pictures and write stupid things and scribble and scrawl in, and I wasn't going to stop and ask myself "Is this worthy of being in a $40 book?" but instead I would joyfully express myself and relish the freedom and know that *I* AM worthy of being as stupid or silly or screwed up as I want to be in a $40 book, or even a more expensive book. I am worth every drop of ink and every handcrafted page.

How often do we save the best thinking we aren't good enough for it today? I actually have another beautiful handcrafted book I bought over 10 years ago and I've carried around with me for years, through countless moves and through three states, waiting for something brilliant and beautiful and worthy of those fine pages. When I finish the journal I'm working in now, I'm going to use that one next. I'm going to revel in spilling my perfect imperfections all across those delicate pages, and knowing that when someone picks up that book they will sense that something special is contained inside and when they open it, they will find me, the real me, the raw me, the messy and imperfect me, and it will be wonderful!

So if you have always wished you could paint, or hoped you could draw, or even dreamed to be able to glue two pieces of paper together in a flattering way, give in TODAY!! Grab those materials and create something, pour your heart into it and scrawl your truths, your deepest darkest secrets, across that canvas you create. Make something that speaks from your heart, and don't worry about what it looks like or what anyone else will think, just enjoy the moment, enjoy the freedom of expressing yourself in the way you have always dreamed of. Do it today. And if you are really brave, send it to Post Secrets, I'm sure part of the proceeds of those books go to charity anyway.

Someday if I'm really brave, maybe I'll post a few of my cards here. Maybe.

Have a beautiful day, and let your inner soul out to play. You only have one life to live, so stop hiding from it and get out there!

Another late update

Hello again. I know, my updating skills suck. I just have a hard time being regular about much of anything. Let's see what's been going on.

Job hunt is still on but getting warmer. I had an interview this past week with a CDC (child development center) for the position of a receptionist. I figured it would be a great cross over from my teaching days to my new office clerk days. The director really liked me, she thought I was really funny and she was really interested in my book. I think she will be calling me this week to talk about a position. The only problem? The receptionist has to drive the bus. Well first off, I don't have a CDL, and second off, even if I did I don't think I could handle driving something as big as a bus, and third off, even if I could drive something that big, I don't think I could do it full of kids. Bummer. She mentioned they have a part time position with the infants though, and I'm considering that. I didn't want to get back into working with the children, but the hours would allow me to get home before my kids get home from school and I would get to spend time with babies, which should take care of the baby fever that springs up from time to time. We'll see, it will depend on the pay and benefits but I'm hopeful. The medical center I interviewed with week before last also called and approached me with a developing project of digitizing all their old medical files. I love the idea of a challenge like that! I don't know that I'm the right person for them but I'm meeting with them on Monday to discuss my recommendations for the project.

My kids are getting closer to finishing the school year. They just had the land run at school this past Friday and my son was in the performance. They really love their school and they both were awarded with student of the month at the awards ceremony and my daughter won best dressed girl for her costume as well. They are really happy there, I'm so happy for them.

As for me, well I haven't been writing, I am behind in my lessons and I'm behind in my housework. I'm also fighting off some kind of sinus thing. I thought it was a cold but I'm beginning to think it's an allergy thing due to the hay from the rabbit. All I know is I'm miserable a lot and sneezing a lot.

I rented a few movies this weekend and watched The Women, The Day the Earth Stood Still, and Seven Pounds. The Women kicked my ass, I don't know why I rented a movie about a woman who finds out her husband is having an affair. I cried when she found out and was dealing with it. Apparently I'm still too raw for that. The Day the Earth Stood Still was pretty good, although my son and I did not like the insects that ate everything. We are both scaredy cats and cowered while my daughter informed us when it was safe to look again. Seven Pounds confused me at the beginning then when I figured it out I was kind of on the fence as I'm personally against organ donation. It was touching that he helped those people and gave so much of himself, but it was painful to watch as well. All in all, I can't wait till the summer blockbusters are out in theaters so I can see something exciting.

I've been missing my ex. I had hoped I was past this. I've come to terms with the fact that he wasn't the man I thought he was. I've accepted that this is the best thing for us. I'm not sure why I still long for him and wish it could all be fixed. Maybe its because in movies it always works out in the end. Maybe it's because part of me still hopes the man I loved really is inside of him and will come out and come back. Maybe I'm still scared to be totally alone, I don't know. I just wish someone could tell me when it will be over. It's so much easier to get through something when you can look at the time in the future when it will be over, but I don't know when that will be. A year from now? Will I be okay with it then? Will I feel this way forever? Am I hanging onto it, or do I need to grieve through it and let go? Do I need to focus somewhere else? How do I cope, how do I get through this? How do you reset when you devoted your life to someone and suddenly that's over? For now I take it one day at a time, and tomorrow will be laundry, lessons, running the kids around, reading with them, cooking dinner, and whatever else I can squeeze in.

I'm sure in time we all get through it. Thanks for reading.

Alpha blog challenge

Aloha! I'm starting the alpha blog challenge, 26 consecutive posts each beginning with the letters of the alphabet. I'm trying to get my blogging more regular (kind of like Metamucil for the soul I guess), so lets see if this helps. Now what to blog about?

Admiration, that's a good one. I admire people who go after what they want, who have beautiful senses of humor, and occasionally I'll sit back and admire the attractiveness of someone who has a personality tick that intrigues me.

Animals, I miss my pets. I bought a book on kittens at the book fair thinking it would be a way to look at the cute little snuggums but instead it just depresses me that I can never have a cat again. I have had pets my whole life practically, and I'll admit that not having one is really kind of depressing, especially since it isn't a temporary situation but pretty much permanent. Maybe I'll get a guinea pig.

Allergies, tied into the above, I hate stinking allergies! My poor kids, their lives are altered because of them. I blame my ex, he was the one that was always allergic to everything. I'm only allergic to medication. I seriously think I need to go see a professional allergy doc though, I just have to fight with my regular doc to get the referral. Why, with two children with allergies I cannot just ask for that appointment I don't know. Stupid rules!

Advice, you know that old saying about advice and assholes? Hee, that cracks me up. I get lots of advice right now. There is something about going through a divorce and looking for a job that just seems to be a neon beacon for people to come to me and dump advice on me. I get that people are trying to help, but some of the advice is just flat out stupid. I guess you just have to be a penguin in that situation and smile and wave, boys, just smile and wave.

Affection, I miss the kind of affection you get from a true partner. Granted I haven't really had it for years, my ex was MIA and AWOL long before he finally moved out, but I remember the tender moments from when we had them. There are times when you just want to be held, because being held lets you know that it will be alright. I miss that. Thankfully my kids love to give me affection so hugs and kisses are always rained upon me, but it would be nice to just be held by someone who makes it alright again.

Aggravation, my ex still frustrates me regularly, but I'm trying to get to the point where that stuff doesn't bother me. It's frustrating to still be looking for a job. I could do so many things if I could just find a company to give me a chance. I know if I hang in there it will happen, it's just getting frustrating because I need a job already.

Awesome, first I love this word and use it way too much, and second things I think are awesome this week: Twitter, InfoMania, Writing Quotes, Post-it notes, and small journals. Hmm, maybe I should make that a weekly thing too. I'll consider it.

Addictive, I'm off Dr. Pepper for a bit again, I guess I haven't had one in probably six days or so although I'll admit I'm pining pretty badly so if I get out today I might pick one up. Also there is a patchwork game at BigFishGames.com that is addictive in that it never seems to end!! I got up to level 93 after playing for two days (coming and going) and then I accidentally hit the wrong button and moved away from the page and so of course I had to start over. AAARRGGGHHH!!!! I didn't, I wasn't going to spend another two days working my way back up to there, but if anyone does make it to the end, leave me a comment and tell me how many levels there are in total, please?? I'm guessing there are 100, but I'll never know. :(

Accomplishment, I finished the leopard costume for my daughter this weekend. She is in a play on Thursday and so we were supposed to buy a sweat suit and alter it into a leopard costume. Have I mentioned here before that I don't sew? Or hey, how about the fact that in March nobody sells sweatsuits because it's spring and never mind the snow outside, we are selling bikinis and shorts!! I scoured the internet and every company in town and finally found one place that would order her a suit in her size. She really needed yellow but nobody had yellow so she ended up with white and so she's a snow leopard I guess. Anyway, we got the suit, painted spots all over it, whipped up a tail and ears and I'm done with it. My ex was here and he did help with some of the painting and he did stitch the tail to the pants after I finished making the tail, but I did stitch the ears and the tail itself. Yea me, right?

Accounting, hee, I just remembered two of my online classes start with "A" so here we go. I am taking fundamentals of accounting and I have such a love/hate relationship with it, it's not even funny. I like working with the numbers, I like filling out the little ledgers and journals, etc, but some of the logic there just is way over my head. Assets increase with debit? Liabilities increase with credit? That just doesn't seem right. I used to want to be an accountant because I loved money math, now I realize accounting has it's own math system and I'm not so enamored with it anymore.

Administrative Assistant, okay I really do not like this class. It's not hard, not really, but it is like slogging through mud. I'm not interested in what they are teaching, I fail to see how it's relevant, and I feel like it's a waste of time and money. I'm not sure what I thought they would teach me in this course, but apparently it isn't what they have been teaching me. I can't wait for this one to end and be done with.

Anything else? Hmm, well I'm still looking for a job, still editing Empathy, still trying to get back into writing, although I haven't written on Mirror Man or Hudson House in like three weeks. Yesterday I did write some on a new story called "Not Really Looking", which so far is all me and kind of a purge/story combo. I'll either alter it later to fictionalize it or I'll save it for my eyes only and leave it at that. I'm not really interested in shopping around my own real life story. ;) This week will be busy as I have appointments Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and I need to get out there and return my videos and library stuff before I get fines. Hopefully I'll get some job interviews in there as well. Fingers crossed!!

As always, take care of yourself, and have an awesome day!!

Mired but still Fighting

Hello, seriously I suck at this daily journaling thing. If journaling was something you could do five times a year and be good, I'd be golden, but remembering to be regular at it, that's hard. It's not that I don't have things to say, goodness no, I could blather on all day long, it's just taking the time to sit and type it all out and post it here that is the stickler.

Well what's new, hmm. I'm enrolled in some online classes. I'm taking accounting, admin assistant, Excel and computers for the workplace. All in the hopes that I'll get a job soon, high hopes, high hopes. Computers for the workplace is a cake walk, it's stuff I learned years ago but I'm hoping there will be a few tidbits in there I didn't know about before. Administrative Assistant is interesting, although kind of scary. Excel is a lot more fun than I thought it would be, I thought that would be the hard class and instead, it's the one I want to play on all the time. Accounting is kicking my rear. I'm so glad I took this class before enrolling in a whole four year accounting degree program, I would have been miserable!! I love money math, but Accounting takes money math and warps it into accounts, and accounts are weird! I'm trying to learn the whole "assets increase debit, liabilities increase credit" thing. That seems so backwards to me!! The only way I understand it is that it doesn't make any sense so it has to be that way. I'm hoping it will click in soon. Then there is the whole double reporting accounts, that warps my brain a little too. I'm doing well with it but I am very confused.

On the writing front I'm stalled out. I haven't written in two weeks. I've been trying to edit Empathy and I'm failing. I suck at macro editing, I have the first two chapters that need to be whittled down and reworked into a single chapter, and I can't seem to do it. I want to pull my hair out, scream, and burn the damn thing in effigy. Maybe I will, I still have it electronically backed up. I'm determined to get through it today if I have to tie myself to a chair to do it.

In other news, I am attempting to Twitter. Considering how frequent I am here you can imagine how great I'll be at that (not to mention do I ever do anything interesting enough to tweet about? I'm not sure). Conor Knighton, the host of infoMania, mentioned he twittered and I followed his link to check it out. Now I have all the people from infoMania followed, as I love those people. InfoMania was the one and only show I would watch, but now I also watch The Rotten Tomatoes show with Brett Erlich and Ellen Fox, and I am actually watching a show on television again (pause to gasp in shock), I'm watching Castle, with Nathan Fillion. I love Nathan Fillion, he's very entertaining to watch and also watching the main character, who is a writer, go through his though processes is pretty interesting. Although I will say, episode three did not have so much of the "writer" part in it. We'll see how long I can stand watching TV again before I give it up again.

Speaking of the writer process, I love to hear about how other writers do their thing. Well heck, I love to hear about how anyone does their thing, no matter what the job is. I chatted up the Department of Transportation guys at the job fair two weeks ago on how you make asphalt and the different purposes of surface materials, why? Well it's kind of interesting for one, and they were very friendly and willing to talk for two, and heck, you never know when that information might come in handy for three.

My process? Well first I get a bud of an idea, an image, a question, a person, and I start turning it over in my mind, like a pretty rock I'm trying to identify. Then come the questions, who is this, why is this, what is this, who cares? I keep asking questions and more and more of the idea comes into view, and then if I didn't start with a character, one will step out of the ether and begin to talk or react, and I'm looking at this person, and they begin to take shape and form and develop. I watch them, listen to them, see them move through situations and discover new things. Usually another character or two will slip out then, and they start to interact, further flushing themselves out. Then I start to see where they are headed, what they are doing, why the initial idea was important. I let them talk and play and explore in my head for a week or two, sometimes more, then one day, I sit down, and I write.

I also have an "office" where my characters apparently enjoy meeting up with me and chatting. It's odd because when they chat in my head, they discuss with each other, they don't interact with me at all, I'm an invisible observer, however when I'm in my "office" they step out and speak to me directly. They tell me what they are unhappy with, what they want to do, what they don't want to do, they crab at me for not writing about them, or for writing the wrong thing. Yep, they talk to me, in my "office", which happens to be my shower, I suppose because that's the one place in the world where for a few minutes I get peace and quiet and solitude, so why not have the spectres of the brain come out and harass me in there?? Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but I'm beginning to think you have to be a little crazy in order to be a writer. At the very least your normal has to be skewed a bit.

Other than that I've just been dealing and wheeling. I did get out this weekend and saw Paul Blart Mall Cop. Kevin James is funny. He has some skills on a sequeway too! I have no idea if that's the correct way to spell sequeway, I'll just say that now as I'm not sure spell check will know what the heck I mean and correct it. The kids just started school again after having a week off for spring break. They had a pretty good time, we went up to the Oklahoma Aquarium and to visit some family and then their cousins came out and spent some time with them and they went camping with their dad. I think they also went to the zoo and saw a couple of movies with their dad too (yes, while camping). They also went fishing and apparently caught several fish although they had to throw them all back because they didn't have something to bring them home in and my daughter was upset because she wanted to cook and eat her fish. Too funny! Oh, speaking of fish, at the OK Aquarium we saw a 98 pound blue catfish, that thing was a monster!! I love seeing huge fish, although sometimes they scare the crap out of me.

All in all, not too bad. The weather is getting warmer, although that means I'll have to clean the yard soon, which means the risk of snakes. I hate snakes, I hate them, I hate them I hate them, they scare the crap out of me. I'm such a wimp. I'm seriously considering moving into an apartment just so I don't have to deal with snakes. Of course with my luck, they would still end up there. Still, I prefer the warmer weather to the cold weather, and it's nice to be able to run around in shorts again.

Well I better get off here and see the kids off to school. I hope you have a beautiful day and take care of yourself!

A little more detail

Well I had my first job interview last night. All in all I thought it went well. I didn't cry and I didn't freak out, well at least not there, so hey, that's a success, right? I did cry and freak out at home, but then again, I have to go through those maelstroms to release that energy so I can breathe again. I still wish I could just stay home and write, but I know that I will get to that point someday.

I can't remember if I mentioned in the last post about my new story or not, but I'm writing a mystery. Actually, it's a psychological suspense, but I believe that's a sub genre of mystery, and if it's not, don't tell me because I'm doing this for a mystery class and I've had a hell of time working it out and I think I'm actually doing well for once, so leave me to my delusions. The mystery class is part of my local writing group, which I love. It's wonderful to go and sit with those ladies and just hear all the great stories. It's also nice to get to be just an adult for awhile without kids. My new story is really tense and kind of tricky because it's about a guy with all sorts of interesting neurosis's and issues and digging into that, both what causes it and what that makes him do, it's fascinating. I love to just crawl inside his head and look around, and see the world through his filters. Amazing!

I mentioned in my last post that I'm getting divorced. We haven't started the paperwork yet but it is definitely over. It's been almost two months now since he left, and I'm surprised at how well we all adjusted. It's really for the best, and I think we will both be happier in the long run, although I do mourn the loss of our relationship. My views on marriage are all screwed up now too, I don't know if I could ever do that again, but I guess if the right guy came along I would probably jump in again. I don't know, it's one of those things that I'm not planning on, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

The kids started public school and really enjoy it. It was hard on me at first losing our homeschooling, but I coped through it. I did cry when they got on the bus the first day, but really it was my daughter's first day ever to go off to school, and I cried when my son first went off to school in Kindergarten so it was to be expected. I'm such a girl sometimes. Anyway, I cried for a few minutes then I was okay, so all in all we adjusted well.

I found out my daughter was allergic to our pets so we had to give up our three cats and one dog. The other dog had been hurting and she was put down a few weeks prior. That was hard, and really tore up my ex. It was hard seeing him go through that. It broke my heart, he was so upset.

As for me, well I'm adjusting to being single and on my own. It's kind of weird, and kind of nice. It's a lot of responsibility, being the only parent, having to do all the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, all the errands, all the homework, everything, but I'm managing. My therapist said I was intelligent and doing a wonderful job coping. Actually everyone says I'm doing a wonderful job coping, only they say it in a weird way like they are shocked. I don't know if that means that they expect me to be a basket case or what, but it's odd. The other thing they all keep telling me is how I will find someone else, as if it would be bad for me to be alone. I think it would be good to be able to be okay alone, but I think it will be okay. There are some wonderful people out there, I've been blessed to know a few, and it would be wonderful to find one to keep. At the very least my heart beats and it lets me know I'm alive.

I absolutely love driving my car. It's so funny because I used to get so bugged out with driving, and I still get a little bugged out in some places, but I love that little green monster. It's funny because that model has a grill that people have said look like sharks teeth, and from the front it does look pretty aggressive for such a cute little sedan, but I love it. And after all this time, I find I like to drive fast. Not like insanely fast, but I'll admit I can finally understand why my ex always wanted to go five to ten miles over the speed limit. I would love to go someplace where you can just floor it, I love to accelerate. I'm sure there is some kind of sexual connotation to be made there, but I'll leave it up to you to make it. I love to have the radio up loud, singing along and just moving down the road. Beautiful!!

It's getting warmer here, and it looks like that damn groundhog might have been okay after all. I'm so ready for spring!! I keep checking the long outlook but everything is looking like it's getting warmer and warmer. We are actually supposed to get up to 76 later this week. Woohoo, heatwave!! I might just wash my car again.

Well I better close this up and eat something. I hope you all have a wonderful day! Peace, Love, and Cookies!!