The Great SoCNoC Begins!!!

So of course I'm behind. ;) I decided at the eleventh hour to just yank out my notes for my opus and write it for SoCNoC. Gasp!! Yes, THE STORY, the opus I thought would take me years to write because I had to write it just right, it had to be perfect, and now on a whim I've decided to whip it out in a month. Sigh.

Actually I think this will be good. The problem with Opuses is that they can become so great you are afraid to ever start them for fear you won't do them the proper justice. By starting this now, this way, I know I'll beat out the rough idea, and then later I can polish it into the perfect dream that eats at my brain all the time. So now I just hope my Muse is with me, because I'm doing some pretty creative world building for the Opus. Oh, and Opus isn't it's name, but I love the title and I don't want someone stealing it from me before I finish so Opus is the undercover temp title, which is still better than the temp title I give most of my other work, Work In Progress or WIP. Nope, this story will never be a WIP, it's an Opus.

Anyway, so I have my goal, and I dug out my BIAM book (Book in a Month, for those who aren't synonym savvy), and I'm considering starting a journal from the point of view of my MC, just for a little extra depth for inspiration. I'm looking forward to a productive month, although I'm going to have to iron out committed writing time. I tried to write at lunch and ended up talking to a co-worker instead and ended up 10 minutes late and with nothing written. Bummer!! She's a very nice person though, so it was nice talking to her. Then I've spent most of the evening preparing to write but not actually writing anything. Getting up early would probably be a good idea but I'm such a grouch in the morning, and I like to sleep, so I don't know if I can do it or not. I guess we can try it and see.

Anyway, in other news I drove to downtown for the ball game, yea me!! I still get nervous driving but I did well and survived, even after getting lost. I think I'm going to be okay, really. It's interesting facing those old fears and then pushing through them. It makes you wonder why you took so long to start living your life. We also saw the movie UP, and I really liked the message in it too. Thinking about that couple and how they put off their dream of going to South America until it was too late really inspires me to make time for writing and work on it now, instead of letting it simmer on the back burner until it's too late.

Well, on Wednesday I go to see the lawyer and start the finalizing of my divorce. I have no idea if it will be amicable or not, the EX keeps fighting me left and right. I figure if he shows up, I'll file our mutual agreement. If he holds out, I'll work out an agreement with the lawyer and file that. If he doesn't like it, he can spend HIS money to hire a lawyer. I'm ready for it to be over, so over!!

I guess that's about all I have for now. Oh, I'm still writing in my journal, which is nice. I express myself more creatively there than I have in other journals before, it's a very liberating feeling. I think of the old days in high school and signing yearbooks, how you would write on diagonals and stuff, and I break out of the standard line by line writing. It's nice. I still suck at painting and stuff but oh well.

I hope you have a fabulous week and a beautiful June!! I turn 34 at the end of the month, thus ending my 34th trip around the sun. It's been one hell of a ride and my life has changed so much, I wonder what my 35th trip will bring? If the fates took requests I'd ask for a winning lottery ticket, a best selling novel, and a happy, healthy family, but I'm sure I'll manage and make do with whatever they throw at me. Not that that's a challenge, okay? You hear me Fates? Go easy on me!! ;)

Peace, Love and Tranquility always.

Learning to be artistic

Or trying to be anyway. As you might know, I have a love/hate thing with Post Secret. I love the idea, I love the post cards, I love the secrets, it just creeps my craw that this guy is making all this money off of everyone else's deepest darkest secrets, but whatever. I mean he had a great idea, and I guess I should give him props for that, and if he was just making money off of the kindness of strangers it would be one thing, but these are people reaching out and hoping to be heard, it seems kind of like taking advantage of them somehow, but that's probably just me.

Anyway, my point is, I do love the books, and the website, and even his Twitter posts, and I know deep down inside he is helping people in his own way (and he does support Suicide Prevention, so it's not like he's laughing to the bank, he's a good person, really). I love the images and the art in the postcards, and I always think "I wish I could express myself like that!"

Except of course I'm not artistic. I can barely draw a stick figure, and I can't paint to save my life. But I want, OH how I want to!!

So I decided to go for it, I'm making Post Secret post cards and I'm drawing and I'm painting and I'm being artistic. Even if I suck at it. Why? Because I want to, and why should it matter if I suck? Why can't I express what my heart has to say, even if it's in a horrible drawing?

Will I mail them to PS? Probably not, at least not any time soon, but maybe someday. For now, I'm tucking them into my new journal, which cost $40 and is handmade with thick, rough hewn paper and I believe it's meant to be a watercolor sketch book but I love it. There is so much TEXTURE to it, the cover, the paper, everything, you just FEEL the solidity of it. It feels like whatever is captured there should be important, and for months I waited to find something important and worthy of that fine book, and finally I decided I was going to GIVE that book to myself, to mess up, to screw up, to draw funny pictures and write stupid things and scribble and scrawl in, and I wasn't going to stop and ask myself "Is this worthy of being in a $40 book?" but instead I would joyfully express myself and relish the freedom and know that *I* AM worthy of being as stupid or silly or screwed up as I want to be in a $40 book, or even a more expensive book. I am worth every drop of ink and every handcrafted page.

How often do we save the best thinking we aren't good enough for it today? I actually have another beautiful handcrafted book I bought over 10 years ago and I've carried around with me for years, through countless moves and through three states, waiting for something brilliant and beautiful and worthy of those fine pages. When I finish the journal I'm working in now, I'm going to use that one next. I'm going to revel in spilling my perfect imperfections all across those delicate pages, and knowing that when someone picks up that book they will sense that something special is contained inside and when they open it, they will find me, the real me, the raw me, the messy and imperfect me, and it will be wonderful!

So if you have always wished you could paint, or hoped you could draw, or even dreamed to be able to glue two pieces of paper together in a flattering way, give in TODAY!! Grab those materials and create something, pour your heart into it and scrawl your truths, your deepest darkest secrets, across that canvas you create. Make something that speaks from your heart, and don't worry about what it looks like or what anyone else will think, just enjoy the moment, enjoy the freedom of expressing yourself in the way you have always dreamed of. Do it today. And if you are really brave, send it to Post Secrets, I'm sure part of the proceeds of those books go to charity anyway.

Someday if I'm really brave, maybe I'll post a few of my cards here. Maybe.

Have a beautiful day, and let your inner soul out to play. You only have one life to live, so stop hiding from it and get out there!