Another belated update. It's not for lack of trying, there have been so many times I've started to post and got sidetracked and didn't do it. Story of my life!!
Let's see, quick update on things: I had a pretty good 4th of July, the only major mishap as a few firework incidents that the people across the street had where their multi shot artillery shells fell over and began rapid firing across my yard and at my guests. That sucked! My mother had a small burn where an ember from an exploding shell burned her arm but otherwise we were just shaken up mostly. My son was done with fireworks after that. On the plus side, I conquered lighting explosives, so add that to the list of fears I've sucked up and dealt with.
SoCNoC is officially over and I sucked big time. I failed! (I'm wailing here, can't you hear it?) Oh well, there is always NaNo in the fall. If I could afford to take a month off of work, I could probably make it work. ;) I wonder if I'll ever be able to embrace what I want to be without having to put up with what I have to be. I guess time will tell.
No progress on the dating front. I have met several people to be "friends" but no motion at all on the actual dating. I fantasize about chicken guy and leave it at that for now. I did check out a whole stack of books on dating (including "Dating for Idiots" or "Mating for Morons" or whatever that book is called). THAT was fun to check out from the kinda cute librarian guy. They have those flippin' pads where they can scan a whole stack of books in one pile so WHY did he have to finger through my entire stack? Maybe it was on the fritz, or maybe he just wanted to see how desperate I really am. "Men are Like Fish", yep, you're desperate when you check out an instruction guide that treats men like marlins. I read five pages and decided I'm not ready to date so now I'm sneaking back after midnight to return them in the after hours book drop.
I don't know why I want to date anyway, I'm not actually desperate for sex or anything like that. What I really want is just someone to spend time with, hang out, go to a movie with, curl up on the couch with and watch a video, etc. I think I kind of want to date so I face that fear, kind of like ripping off the bandaid, but I don't want to date because I don't want to be faced with the sex question. When I was younger, sex just wasn't an option, you are young, virginal, inexperienced whatever. It was a "Big Deal". Now I'm an adult, and it seems like sex is more standard fare and almost expected. I can't do that, I can't just sleep with someone I don't know. I'm slow to warm and I have to have a real connection and a relationship there. Does that make me a freak? Probably. You know what has come around since I was last on the market? "Friends with benefits". I can't even just be friends with someone any more, even that has to have benefits. Blech, I'm going to be single forever, and since I can't have cats I guess I'll be the crazy bear lady who has tons of stuffed bears that I name and dress up and push around in carriages like babies. Hee, okay I just cracked myself up.
Oooh!! Guess what!! There is going to be an Improv Festival here in the city!! So cool!! I love Improv!! I can't wait, it's going to be so much fun!!
On the art front, I'm still drawing and painting and now I'm gluing stuff (not sure if that's a step up or down). I'm still having fun, still not terribly talented but oh well. I'll scan some new things onto my art blog tomorrow. I met someone online who does clay sculpture, so now I'm considering playing with that. I would be such an awesome multi-faceted person if I actually had decent talent in all the arenas that interest me. ;)
Well it's late, and I'm due to get up early for work again in the morning. I hope you all have a wonderful week and that the down slope of summer treats you well! Eat an ice cream for me!!
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Sunday Morning
Well here I am trying to decide what to do with my Sunday and I remembered that I haven't updated in a couple of days so I decided to start here.
Last week was rough at work. Wednesday and Thursday kicked my butt, and at one point I decided that was it, I was leaving and I wasn't coming back. At lunch time I clocked out and I left. I drove over to Sonic to get something to eat and to call my mom but she wasn't home. I was crying and then the server came out with my lunch and she was so sweet! She talked to me and helped me feel better and I was really touched. Because of her I returned to work and turned it around. Friday was busy and hectic but I survived without wanting to escape.
Saturday I went out and bought art supplies. Yummy, delicious, rainbow colored art supplies. I bought this plastic lap tray thing that I think is meant for kids but it's perfect for me to use to draw or write or type on my laptop in bed. It has a cup holder that is perfect for a beverage or a cup of water for painting, plus a smaller bin just right for a snack or to tuck away supplies I'll need, or my mini-journals. The other side has a larger bin that is perfect for books, or even my mini-notebook. I love it!! I bought one for each of the kids too, I know they will love them. I also bought a waterbrush, traveling watercolor set, watercolor pencils, chalk and oil pastels, a sketch kit, some colored sharpies and a set of brush pens. I spent most of yesterday playing with them and exploring the colors and the applications and just enjoying them. I also read SARK books that I checked out from the library, and just felt wonderful all over.
Today I'll catch up on my chores. I have to finish the laundry which the final loads are in the machines now so that's almost done, then I need to clean the kitchen and pick up and vacuum the living room. You know I can never spell vacuum, I always spell it wrong and the fix it with spell check. I think today I'll write down the correct spelling and practice it till I can spell it correctly without the spell checker. Good thing to note! I also need to mow today, and return the video rentals, so I guess I'll be hopping today!
As for the SoCNoC, well it is now the 21st and I've only written one chapter. I may not make the goal but the story is finally shaping up in my head and I plan to write more today. I'll update more on that at the end of the month to let you know how I did. I'm proud of starting anyway, even if I fall short.
So what else is up, hmm. Well my birthday is this week. My 34th trip around the sun is coming to an end, and wow, what a trip this one has been!! So much has happened and changed, and I am not the same person I was 12 months ago. I wonder who I will be in another 12 months? It's exciting to find out. We have birthday parties at work each month so next week I get to celebrate with my work pals. This is strange to me because I've never worked on a birthday before, and it's kind of embarrassing and weird to have them celebrate like that and ask me what I want for a present. How do you tell your boss what to get you for your birthday? I struggled with it a lot, and for a long time I wished they would just ignore my birthday, I don't even really like celebrating it on my own, but finally I just gave in. There is another person who's birthday we are celebrating as well, so that helps. I asked my boss for SARK books, watercolor pencils, and screwdrivers. I think he might have gotten excited by the screwdrivers, he's a "tool guy". I mean that in that he likes to work with tools, not as in he is a "tool", he's not a tool. Anyway, my own plans for my birthday include meeting my parents and kids for dinner to eat Korean and then running out to see Transformers 2. I'm excited about that part! I'll also bake a coconut cake to share with the kids.
Man, I really want a LiveScribe Pulse Smartpen. I'm considering buying one for myself, but I can't decide if I should or not. There are so many neat applications for it, but would I really use it? If you have one or use one, comment or email me and tell me if I should buy one or not, because I'm really leaning. Me wants, me wants!! :)
Well, I can't think of anything else important to say, so I guess I'm outta here. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a glorious week!! Peace Love and Understanding to all!!
Last week was rough at work. Wednesday and Thursday kicked my butt, and at one point I decided that was it, I was leaving and I wasn't coming back. At lunch time I clocked out and I left. I drove over to Sonic to get something to eat and to call my mom but she wasn't home. I was crying and then the server came out with my lunch and she was so sweet! She talked to me and helped me feel better and I was really touched. Because of her I returned to work and turned it around. Friday was busy and hectic but I survived without wanting to escape.
Saturday I went out and bought art supplies. Yummy, delicious, rainbow colored art supplies. I bought this plastic lap tray thing that I think is meant for kids but it's perfect for me to use to draw or write or type on my laptop in bed. It has a cup holder that is perfect for a beverage or a cup of water for painting, plus a smaller bin just right for a snack or to tuck away supplies I'll need, or my mini-journals. The other side has a larger bin that is perfect for books, or even my mini-notebook. I love it!! I bought one for each of the kids too, I know they will love them. I also bought a waterbrush, traveling watercolor set, watercolor pencils, chalk and oil pastels, a sketch kit, some colored sharpies and a set of brush pens. I spent most of yesterday playing with them and exploring the colors and the applications and just enjoying them. I also read SARK books that I checked out from the library, and just felt wonderful all over.
Today I'll catch up on my chores. I have to finish the laundry which the final loads are in the machines now so that's almost done, then I need to clean the kitchen and pick up and vacuum the living room. You know I can never spell vacuum, I always spell it wrong and the fix it with spell check. I think today I'll write down the correct spelling and practice it till I can spell it correctly without the spell checker. Good thing to note! I also need to mow today, and return the video rentals, so I guess I'll be hopping today!
As for the SoCNoC, well it is now the 21st and I've only written one chapter. I may not make the goal but the story is finally shaping up in my head and I plan to write more today. I'll update more on that at the end of the month to let you know how I did. I'm proud of starting anyway, even if I fall short.
So what else is up, hmm. Well my birthday is this week. My 34th trip around the sun is coming to an end, and wow, what a trip this one has been!! So much has happened and changed, and I am not the same person I was 12 months ago. I wonder who I will be in another 12 months? It's exciting to find out. We have birthday parties at work each month so next week I get to celebrate with my work pals. This is strange to me because I've never worked on a birthday before, and it's kind of embarrassing and weird to have them celebrate like that and ask me what I want for a present. How do you tell your boss what to get you for your birthday? I struggled with it a lot, and for a long time I wished they would just ignore my birthday, I don't even really like celebrating it on my own, but finally I just gave in. There is another person who's birthday we are celebrating as well, so that helps. I asked my boss for SARK books, watercolor pencils, and screwdrivers. I think he might have gotten excited by the screwdrivers, he's a "tool guy". I mean that in that he likes to work with tools, not as in he is a "tool", he's not a tool. Anyway, my own plans for my birthday include meeting my parents and kids for dinner to eat Korean and then running out to see Transformers 2. I'm excited about that part! I'll also bake a coconut cake to share with the kids.
Man, I really want a LiveScribe Pulse Smartpen. I'm considering buying one for myself, but I can't decide if I should or not. There are so many neat applications for it, but would I really use it? If you have one or use one, comment or email me and tell me if I should buy one or not, because I'm really leaning. Me wants, me wants!! :)
Well, I can't think of anything else important to say, so I guess I'm outta here. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a glorious week!! Peace Love and Understanding to all!!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Dating Dilemma
Okay, so I'm finally reaching the point where I'm feeling like dipping my toe back into those ever so fish filled waters. I have no idea how to do that.
First, when it comes to dating, I'm an infant. I'm a social newbie. My ex was my first boyfriend, and really the only guy I ever really dated. I had a thing for a guy before him, a guy who never was willing to go beyond friends, and we went to a movie one night together but he made it clear it wasn't a date, it was "hanging out". My ex probably took me on a total of about five dates, I mean where you are clearly "going out on a date". We did lots of things together as a couple, but it was more along the hanging out style. So really, I have no idea how you date.
Okay, so lets say for a moment the dating part itself is easy, which it probably is, here is the real kicker. How do you meet people? I don't drink, I don't hang out at bars. I'm not religious, I don't belong to a church. Those are the two most obvious places I can think of to meet someone. The third would be the internet, but most of the online social things are filled with people trolling for a one night stand or booty call buddy or "Friend with benefits". I don't think people get the "friend" part of that, they think it means "we will screw without me ever having to take you out to dinner and a movie first". I don't know, maybe that IS what it means and *I'M* the one who doesn't get it.
I'm a little old fashioned, I would like to know someone before I sleep with them. Not in a "My name is Jack, I work at the hospital, I like the color blue, take off your clothes baby" way but in a actually spending time together and getting to know each other and like each other way. Sometimes, when I talk to people, I think I'm a dinosaur that just escaped the Lost World and people are like "I thought you were extinct". I feel that way about my attitudes on marriage and fidelity too, although I like to think other people believe in those things as well.
Anyway, so how does someone actually meet people? How do you let them know you are on the market? How do you ever get anywhere? I get the whole "kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince" thing, but where do you find the frogs?
Maybe it's like a quest, when the time is right you find the way. I don't know. Where is the instruction book for life? Why are there billions of self-help books and yet still nobody knows how to get through life without wandering around like a lost child? Maybe the wandering is the point? Maybe. Maybe it's too late at night for me to wax philosophical. I think I'm confusing myself now.
Maybe you just walk along the edge of the pool, wanting to dip your toe in, until suddenly someone comes along and pushes you and you are in, gasping for breath, stroking along, and realizing the water is wonderful.
In that case, someone come along and push me. I'm ready to learn how to swim with the fishes.
First, when it comes to dating, I'm an infant. I'm a social newbie. My ex was my first boyfriend, and really the only guy I ever really dated. I had a thing for a guy before him, a guy who never was willing to go beyond friends, and we went to a movie one night together but he made it clear it wasn't a date, it was "hanging out". My ex probably took me on a total of about five dates, I mean where you are clearly "going out on a date". We did lots of things together as a couple, but it was more along the hanging out style. So really, I have no idea how you date.
Okay, so lets say for a moment the dating part itself is easy, which it probably is, here is the real kicker. How do you meet people? I don't drink, I don't hang out at bars. I'm not religious, I don't belong to a church. Those are the two most obvious places I can think of to meet someone. The third would be the internet, but most of the online social things are filled with people trolling for a one night stand or booty call buddy or "Friend with benefits". I don't think people get the "friend" part of that, they think it means "we will screw without me ever having to take you out to dinner and a movie first". I don't know, maybe that IS what it means and *I'M* the one who doesn't get it.
I'm a little old fashioned, I would like to know someone before I sleep with them. Not in a "My name is Jack, I work at the hospital, I like the color blue, take off your clothes baby" way but in a actually spending time together and getting to know each other and like each other way. Sometimes, when I talk to people, I think I'm a dinosaur that just escaped the Lost World and people are like "I thought you were extinct". I feel that way about my attitudes on marriage and fidelity too, although I like to think other people believe in those things as well.
Anyway, so how does someone actually meet people? How do you let them know you are on the market? How do you ever get anywhere? I get the whole "kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince" thing, but where do you find the frogs?
Maybe it's like a quest, when the time is right you find the way. I don't know. Where is the instruction book for life? Why are there billions of self-help books and yet still nobody knows how to get through life without wandering around like a lost child? Maybe the wandering is the point? Maybe. Maybe it's too late at night for me to wax philosophical. I think I'm confusing myself now.
Maybe you just walk along the edge of the pool, wanting to dip your toe in, until suddenly someone comes along and pushes you and you are in, gasping for breath, stroking along, and realizing the water is wonderful.
In that case, someone come along and push me. I'm ready to learn how to swim with the fishes.
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Great SoCNoC Begins!!!
So of course I'm behind. ;) I decided at the eleventh hour to just yank out my notes for my opus and write it for SoCNoC. Gasp!! Yes, THE STORY, the opus I thought would take me years to write because I had to write it just right, it had to be perfect, and now on a whim I've decided to whip it out in a month. Sigh.
Actually I think this will be good. The problem with Opuses is that they can become so great you are afraid to ever start them for fear you won't do them the proper justice. By starting this now, this way, I know I'll beat out the rough idea, and then later I can polish it into the perfect dream that eats at my brain all the time. So now I just hope my Muse is with me, because I'm doing some pretty creative world building for the Opus. Oh, and Opus isn't it's name, but I love the title and I don't want someone stealing it from me before I finish so Opus is the undercover temp title, which is still better than the temp title I give most of my other work, Work In Progress or WIP. Nope, this story will never be a WIP, it's an Opus.
Anyway, so I have my goal, and I dug out my BIAM book (Book in a Month, for those who aren't synonym savvy), and I'm considering starting a journal from the point of view of my MC, just for a little extra depth for inspiration. I'm looking forward to a productive month, although I'm going to have to iron out committed writing time. I tried to write at lunch and ended up talking to a co-worker instead and ended up 10 minutes late and with nothing written. Bummer!! She's a very nice person though, so it was nice talking to her. Then I've spent most of the evening preparing to write but not actually writing anything. Getting up early would probably be a good idea but I'm such a grouch in the morning, and I like to sleep, so I don't know if I can do it or not. I guess we can try it and see.
Anyway, in other news I drove to downtown for the ball game, yea me!! I still get nervous driving but I did well and survived, even after getting lost. I think I'm going to be okay, really. It's interesting facing those old fears and then pushing through them. It makes you wonder why you took so long to start living your life. We also saw the movie UP, and I really liked the message in it too. Thinking about that couple and how they put off their dream of going to South America until it was too late really inspires me to make time for writing and work on it now, instead of letting it simmer on the back burner until it's too late.
Well, on Wednesday I go to see the lawyer and start the finalizing of my divorce. I have no idea if it will be amicable or not, the EX keeps fighting me left and right. I figure if he shows up, I'll file our mutual agreement. If he holds out, I'll work out an agreement with the lawyer and file that. If he doesn't like it, he can spend HIS money to hire a lawyer. I'm ready for it to be over, so over!!
I guess that's about all I have for now. Oh, I'm still writing in my journal, which is nice. I express myself more creatively there than I have in other journals before, it's a very liberating feeling. I think of the old days in high school and signing yearbooks, how you would write on diagonals and stuff, and I break out of the standard line by line writing. It's nice. I still suck at painting and stuff but oh well.
I hope you have a fabulous week and a beautiful June!! I turn 34 at the end of the month, thus ending my 34th trip around the sun. It's been one hell of a ride and my life has changed so much, I wonder what my 35th trip will bring? If the fates took requests I'd ask for a winning lottery ticket, a best selling novel, and a happy, healthy family, but I'm sure I'll manage and make do with whatever they throw at me. Not that that's a challenge, okay? You hear me Fates? Go easy on me!! ;)
Peace, Love and Tranquility always.
Actually I think this will be good. The problem with Opuses is that they can become so great you are afraid to ever start them for fear you won't do them the proper justice. By starting this now, this way, I know I'll beat out the rough idea, and then later I can polish it into the perfect dream that eats at my brain all the time. So now I just hope my Muse is with me, because I'm doing some pretty creative world building for the Opus. Oh, and Opus isn't it's name, but I love the title and I don't want someone stealing it from me before I finish so Opus is the undercover temp title, which is still better than the temp title I give most of my other work, Work In Progress or WIP. Nope, this story will never be a WIP, it's an Opus.
Anyway, so I have my goal, and I dug out my BIAM book (Book in a Month, for those who aren't synonym savvy), and I'm considering starting a journal from the point of view of my MC, just for a little extra depth for inspiration. I'm looking forward to a productive month, although I'm going to have to iron out committed writing time. I tried to write at lunch and ended up talking to a co-worker instead and ended up 10 minutes late and with nothing written. Bummer!! She's a very nice person though, so it was nice talking to her. Then I've spent most of the evening preparing to write but not actually writing anything. Getting up early would probably be a good idea but I'm such a grouch in the morning, and I like to sleep, so I don't know if I can do it or not. I guess we can try it and see.
Anyway, in other news I drove to downtown for the ball game, yea me!! I still get nervous driving but I did well and survived, even after getting lost. I think I'm going to be okay, really. It's interesting facing those old fears and then pushing through them. It makes you wonder why you took so long to start living your life. We also saw the movie UP, and I really liked the message in it too. Thinking about that couple and how they put off their dream of going to South America until it was too late really inspires me to make time for writing and work on it now, instead of letting it simmer on the back burner until it's too late.
Well, on Wednesday I go to see the lawyer and start the finalizing of my divorce. I have no idea if it will be amicable or not, the EX keeps fighting me left and right. I figure if he shows up, I'll file our mutual agreement. If he holds out, I'll work out an agreement with the lawyer and file that. If he doesn't like it, he can spend HIS money to hire a lawyer. I'm ready for it to be over, so over!!
I guess that's about all I have for now. Oh, I'm still writing in my journal, which is nice. I express myself more creatively there than I have in other journals before, it's a very liberating feeling. I think of the old days in high school and signing yearbooks, how you would write on diagonals and stuff, and I break out of the standard line by line writing. It's nice. I still suck at painting and stuff but oh well.
I hope you have a fabulous week and a beautiful June!! I turn 34 at the end of the month, thus ending my 34th trip around the sun. It's been one hell of a ride and my life has changed so much, I wonder what my 35th trip will bring? If the fates took requests I'd ask for a winning lottery ticket, a best selling novel, and a happy, healthy family, but I'm sure I'll manage and make do with whatever they throw at me. Not that that's a challenge, okay? You hear me Fates? Go easy on me!! ;)
Peace, Love and Tranquility always.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Learning to be artistic
Or trying to be anyway. As you might know, I have a love/hate thing with Post Secret. I love the idea, I love the post cards, I love the secrets, it just creeps my craw that this guy is making all this money off of everyone else's deepest darkest secrets, but whatever. I mean he had a great idea, and I guess I should give him props for that, and if he was just making money off of the kindness of strangers it would be one thing, but these are people reaching out and hoping to be heard, it seems kind of like taking advantage of them somehow, but that's probably just me.
Anyway, my point is, I do love the books, and the website, and even his Twitter posts, and I know deep down inside he is helping people in his own way (and he does support Suicide Prevention, so it's not like he's laughing to the bank, he's a good person, really). I love the images and the art in the postcards, and I always think "I wish I could express myself like that!"
Except of course I'm not artistic. I can barely draw a stick figure, and I can't paint to save my life. But I want, OH how I want to!!
So I decided to go for it, I'm making Post Secret post cards and I'm drawing and I'm painting and I'm being artistic. Even if I suck at it. Why? Because I want to, and why should it matter if I suck? Why can't I express what my heart has to say, even if it's in a horrible drawing?
Will I mail them to PS? Probably not, at least not any time soon, but maybe someday. For now, I'm tucking them into my new journal, which cost $40 and is handmade with thick, rough hewn paper and I believe it's meant to be a watercolor sketch book but I love it. There is so much TEXTURE to it, the cover, the paper, everything, you just FEEL the solidity of it. It feels like whatever is captured there should be important, and for months I waited to find something important and worthy of that fine book, and finally I decided I was going to GIVE that book to myself, to mess up, to screw up, to draw funny pictures and write stupid things and scribble and scrawl in, and I wasn't going to stop and ask myself "Is this worthy of being in a $40 book?" but instead I would joyfully express myself and relish the freedom and know that *I* AM worthy of being as stupid or silly or screwed up as I want to be in a $40 book, or even a more expensive book. I am worth every drop of ink and every handcrafted page.
How often do we save the best thinking we aren't good enough for it today? I actually have another beautiful handcrafted book I bought over 10 years ago and I've carried around with me for years, through countless moves and through three states, waiting for something brilliant and beautiful and worthy of those fine pages. When I finish the journal I'm working in now, I'm going to use that one next. I'm going to revel in spilling my perfect imperfections all across those delicate pages, and knowing that when someone picks up that book they will sense that something special is contained inside and when they open it, they will find me, the real me, the raw me, the messy and imperfect me, and it will be wonderful!
So if you have always wished you could paint, or hoped you could draw, or even dreamed to be able to glue two pieces of paper together in a flattering way, give in TODAY!! Grab those materials and create something, pour your heart into it and scrawl your truths, your deepest darkest secrets, across that canvas you create. Make something that speaks from your heart, and don't worry about what it looks like or what anyone else will think, just enjoy the moment, enjoy the freedom of expressing yourself in the way you have always dreamed of. Do it today. And if you are really brave, send it to Post Secrets, I'm sure part of the proceeds of those books go to charity anyway.
Someday if I'm really brave, maybe I'll post a few of my cards here. Maybe.
Have a beautiful day, and let your inner soul out to play. You only have one life to live, so stop hiding from it and get out there!
Anyway, my point is, I do love the books, and the website, and even his Twitter posts, and I know deep down inside he is helping people in his own way (and he does support Suicide Prevention, so it's not like he's laughing to the bank, he's a good person, really). I love the images and the art in the postcards, and I always think "I wish I could express myself like that!"
Except of course I'm not artistic. I can barely draw a stick figure, and I can't paint to save my life. But I want, OH how I want to!!
So I decided to go for it, I'm making Post Secret post cards and I'm drawing and I'm painting and I'm being artistic. Even if I suck at it. Why? Because I want to, and why should it matter if I suck? Why can't I express what my heart has to say, even if it's in a horrible drawing?
Will I mail them to PS? Probably not, at least not any time soon, but maybe someday. For now, I'm tucking them into my new journal, which cost $40 and is handmade with thick, rough hewn paper and I believe it's meant to be a watercolor sketch book but I love it. There is so much TEXTURE to it, the cover, the paper, everything, you just FEEL the solidity of it. It feels like whatever is captured there should be important, and for months I waited to find something important and worthy of that fine book, and finally I decided I was going to GIVE that book to myself, to mess up, to screw up, to draw funny pictures and write stupid things and scribble and scrawl in, and I wasn't going to stop and ask myself "Is this worthy of being in a $40 book?" but instead I would joyfully express myself and relish the freedom and know that *I* AM worthy of being as stupid or silly or screwed up as I want to be in a $40 book, or even a more expensive book. I am worth every drop of ink and every handcrafted page.
How often do we save the best thinking we aren't good enough for it today? I actually have another beautiful handcrafted book I bought over 10 years ago and I've carried around with me for years, through countless moves and through three states, waiting for something brilliant and beautiful and worthy of those fine pages. When I finish the journal I'm working in now, I'm going to use that one next. I'm going to revel in spilling my perfect imperfections all across those delicate pages, and knowing that when someone picks up that book they will sense that something special is contained inside and when they open it, they will find me, the real me, the raw me, the messy and imperfect me, and it will be wonderful!
So if you have always wished you could paint, or hoped you could draw, or even dreamed to be able to glue two pieces of paper together in a flattering way, give in TODAY!! Grab those materials and create something, pour your heart into it and scrawl your truths, your deepest darkest secrets, across that canvas you create. Make something that speaks from your heart, and don't worry about what it looks like or what anyone else will think, just enjoy the moment, enjoy the freedom of expressing yourself in the way you have always dreamed of. Do it today. And if you are really brave, send it to Post Secrets, I'm sure part of the proceeds of those books go to charity anyway.
Someday if I'm really brave, maybe I'll post a few of my cards here. Maybe.
Have a beautiful day, and let your inner soul out to play. You only have one life to live, so stop hiding from it and get out there!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
So busy, and yet I long for more apparently
Well once again it's been a moon and a half since I've written. Actually I guess it's been almost exactly a month. Well, time for some updates!!
First off, I finished my lessons, and I scored all A's on my finals, yea me! I planned on taking the next set of classes but I missed the deadline to sign up so I'll be starting the next set in June. I plan on taking the next courses in Excel and Accounting and a class in Medical Transcription if I can find the books I need.
The kids have finished school and are now enjoying their summer. I worked out a deal so that they won't spend the summer languishing in a dismal day care and instead get to split their days between their father, their grandparents (with pool!) and their mom. I guess it works it for everyone all around, other than the fact it's going to cost me triple in gas money, but I'm not paying for day care so it will probably even out.
As for the job front, well I finally got one!! The medical center hired me to digitize their files and give them more space on their shelves. My title is Medical Records Integration Specialist, try saying that three times fast! We call it MRIS for short. It's a pretty easy job now that I've got everything set up and flowing, but I'll admit it can get a little boring feeding paper into a scanner all day. Oh well, my boss keeps promising other projects so I'm sure I'll have plenty to keep my brain busy.
Oh, and I'm over my ex again. We are trying to finalize the divorce agreement so we can file and he is just being absurd. I meet with the lawyer in a week and hopefully it will all be over pretty soon. He finally moved all of his things out and we split the accounts and changed the names on all of the utilities, so it's almost over. It would be nice if he could get over being such a jerk and remember he is still a father, but oh well.
And finally, even though I'm still adjusting to being a working single mother, I decided to bite off the huge hunk that is SoCNoC (Southern Cross Novel Challenge). I have my participant icon in the sidebar and you can click it to check it out if you are interested. Basically it's NaNoWriMo for June. So as of June 1st, I'm going to try to write 50,000 words on a new novel. I really need this, I haven't written in months and I need something to kick me in the butt when I don't get to it. So it's time to start training again. I participated in SoCNoC last year but I started halfway through and only got to 35,000 before the end of the challenge. Since I've now participated in and won both NaNoWriMo and NaNoFiMo, I think I can really do SoCNoC, although it will be more of a challenge since I don't have as much free time now. Wish me luck!!
Well I better get off of here and get back to it. It's a holiday weekend and I've got the kids, but my son is sick so all of our grand plans kind of got tamped down a bit. Yesterday we cleaned house and then finally managed to get out and get some food and new summer clothes. Today I hope to finish cleaning and if everyone is up to it, we might go out and catch Night at the Museum. I really need to catch up this weekend though, as next weekend I won't have a full regular weekend because even though it's Ex's weekend with the kids, I will have them Saturday night to go to a baseball game with the staff from the clinic I work at. Someday I'll be all caught up and for five seconds I'll know what it's like to not be behind, then I'll remember something I was supposed to have done and I'll be off catching up again. :) It's always something!!
Have a great holiday weekend!! Take care!!
First off, I finished my lessons, and I scored all A's on my finals, yea me! I planned on taking the next set of classes but I missed the deadline to sign up so I'll be starting the next set in June. I plan on taking the next courses in Excel and Accounting and a class in Medical Transcription if I can find the books I need.
The kids have finished school and are now enjoying their summer. I worked out a deal so that they won't spend the summer languishing in a dismal day care and instead get to split their days between their father, their grandparents (with pool!) and their mom. I guess it works it for everyone all around, other than the fact it's going to cost me triple in gas money, but I'm not paying for day care so it will probably even out.
As for the job front, well I finally got one!! The medical center hired me to digitize their files and give them more space on their shelves. My title is Medical Records Integration Specialist, try saying that three times fast! We call it MRIS for short. It's a pretty easy job now that I've got everything set up and flowing, but I'll admit it can get a little boring feeding paper into a scanner all day. Oh well, my boss keeps promising other projects so I'm sure I'll have plenty to keep my brain busy.
Oh, and I'm over my ex again. We are trying to finalize the divorce agreement so we can file and he is just being absurd. I meet with the lawyer in a week and hopefully it will all be over pretty soon. He finally moved all of his things out and we split the accounts and changed the names on all of the utilities, so it's almost over. It would be nice if he could get over being such a jerk and remember he is still a father, but oh well.
And finally, even though I'm still adjusting to being a working single mother, I decided to bite off the huge hunk that is SoCNoC (Southern Cross Novel Challenge). I have my participant icon in the sidebar and you can click it to check it out if you are interested. Basically it's NaNoWriMo for June. So as of June 1st, I'm going to try to write 50,000 words on a new novel. I really need this, I haven't written in months and I need something to kick me in the butt when I don't get to it. So it's time to start training again. I participated in SoCNoC last year but I started halfway through and only got to 35,000 before the end of the challenge. Since I've now participated in and won both NaNoWriMo and NaNoFiMo, I think I can really do SoCNoC, although it will be more of a challenge since I don't have as much free time now. Wish me luck!!
Well I better get off of here and get back to it. It's a holiday weekend and I've got the kids, but my son is sick so all of our grand plans kind of got tamped down a bit. Yesterday we cleaned house and then finally managed to get out and get some food and new summer clothes. Today I hope to finish cleaning and if everyone is up to it, we might go out and catch Night at the Museum. I really need to catch up this weekend though, as next weekend I won't have a full regular weekend because even though it's Ex's weekend with the kids, I will have them Saturday night to go to a baseball game with the staff from the clinic I work at. Someday I'll be all caught up and for five seconds I'll know what it's like to not be behind, then I'll remember something I was supposed to have done and I'll be off catching up again. :) It's always something!!
Have a great holiday weekend!! Take care!!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Another late update
Hello again. I know, my updating skills suck. I just have a hard time being regular about much of anything. Let's see what's been going on.
Job hunt is still on but getting warmer. I had an interview this past week with a CDC (child development center) for the position of a receptionist. I figured it would be a great cross over from my teaching days to my new office clerk days. The director really liked me, she thought I was really funny and she was really interested in my book. I think she will be calling me this week to talk about a position. The only problem? The receptionist has to drive the bus. Well first off, I don't have a CDL, and second off, even if I did I don't think I could handle driving something as big as a bus, and third off, even if I could drive something that big, I don't think I could do it full of kids. Bummer. She mentioned they have a part time position with the infants though, and I'm considering that. I didn't want to get back into working with the children, but the hours would allow me to get home before my kids get home from school and I would get to spend time with babies, which should take care of the baby fever that springs up from time to time. We'll see, it will depend on the pay and benefits but I'm hopeful. The medical center I interviewed with week before last also called and approached me with a developing project of digitizing all their old medical files. I love the idea of a challenge like that! I don't know that I'm the right person for them but I'm meeting with them on Monday to discuss my recommendations for the project.
My kids are getting closer to finishing the school year. They just had the land run at school this past Friday and my son was in the performance. They really love their school and they both were awarded with student of the month at the awards ceremony and my daughter won best dressed girl for her costume as well. They are really happy there, I'm so happy for them.
As for me, well I haven't been writing, I am behind in my lessons and I'm behind in my housework. I'm also fighting off some kind of sinus thing. I thought it was a cold but I'm beginning to think it's an allergy thing due to the hay from the rabbit. All I know is I'm miserable a lot and sneezing a lot.
I rented a few movies this weekend and watched The Women, The Day the Earth Stood Still, and Seven Pounds. The Women kicked my ass, I don't know why I rented a movie about a woman who finds out her husband is having an affair. I cried when she found out and was dealing with it. Apparently I'm still too raw for that. The Day the Earth Stood Still was pretty good, although my son and I did not like the insects that ate everything. We are both scaredy cats and cowered while my daughter informed us when it was safe to look again. Seven Pounds confused me at the beginning then when I figured it out I was kind of on the fence as I'm personally against organ donation. It was touching that he helped those people and gave so much of himself, but it was painful to watch as well. All in all, I can't wait till the summer blockbusters are out in theaters so I can see something exciting.
I've been missing my ex. I had hoped I was past this. I've come to terms with the fact that he wasn't the man I thought he was. I've accepted that this is the best thing for us. I'm not sure why I still long for him and wish it could all be fixed. Maybe its because in movies it always works out in the end. Maybe it's because part of me still hopes the man I loved really is inside of him and will come out and come back. Maybe I'm still scared to be totally alone, I don't know. I just wish someone could tell me when it will be over. It's so much easier to get through something when you can look at the time in the future when it will be over, but I don't know when that will be. A year from now? Will I be okay with it then? Will I feel this way forever? Am I hanging onto it, or do I need to grieve through it and let go? Do I need to focus somewhere else? How do I cope, how do I get through this? How do you reset when you devoted your life to someone and suddenly that's over? For now I take it one day at a time, and tomorrow will be laundry, lessons, running the kids around, reading with them, cooking dinner, and whatever else I can squeeze in.
I'm sure in time we all get through it. Thanks for reading.
Job hunt is still on but getting warmer. I had an interview this past week with a CDC (child development center) for the position of a receptionist. I figured it would be a great cross over from my teaching days to my new office clerk days. The director really liked me, she thought I was really funny and she was really interested in my book. I think she will be calling me this week to talk about a position. The only problem? The receptionist has to drive the bus. Well first off, I don't have a CDL, and second off, even if I did I don't think I could handle driving something as big as a bus, and third off, even if I could drive something that big, I don't think I could do it full of kids. Bummer. She mentioned they have a part time position with the infants though, and I'm considering that. I didn't want to get back into working with the children, but the hours would allow me to get home before my kids get home from school and I would get to spend time with babies, which should take care of the baby fever that springs up from time to time. We'll see, it will depend on the pay and benefits but I'm hopeful. The medical center I interviewed with week before last also called and approached me with a developing project of digitizing all their old medical files. I love the idea of a challenge like that! I don't know that I'm the right person for them but I'm meeting with them on Monday to discuss my recommendations for the project.
My kids are getting closer to finishing the school year. They just had the land run at school this past Friday and my son was in the performance. They really love their school and they both were awarded with student of the month at the awards ceremony and my daughter won best dressed girl for her costume as well. They are really happy there, I'm so happy for them.
As for me, well I haven't been writing, I am behind in my lessons and I'm behind in my housework. I'm also fighting off some kind of sinus thing. I thought it was a cold but I'm beginning to think it's an allergy thing due to the hay from the rabbit. All I know is I'm miserable a lot and sneezing a lot.
I rented a few movies this weekend and watched The Women, The Day the Earth Stood Still, and Seven Pounds. The Women kicked my ass, I don't know why I rented a movie about a woman who finds out her husband is having an affair. I cried when she found out and was dealing with it. Apparently I'm still too raw for that. The Day the Earth Stood Still was pretty good, although my son and I did not like the insects that ate everything. We are both scaredy cats and cowered while my daughter informed us when it was safe to look again. Seven Pounds confused me at the beginning then when I figured it out I was kind of on the fence as I'm personally against organ donation. It was touching that he helped those people and gave so much of himself, but it was painful to watch as well. All in all, I can't wait till the summer blockbusters are out in theaters so I can see something exciting.
I've been missing my ex. I had hoped I was past this. I've come to terms with the fact that he wasn't the man I thought he was. I've accepted that this is the best thing for us. I'm not sure why I still long for him and wish it could all be fixed. Maybe its because in movies it always works out in the end. Maybe it's because part of me still hopes the man I loved really is inside of him and will come out and come back. Maybe I'm still scared to be totally alone, I don't know. I just wish someone could tell me when it will be over. It's so much easier to get through something when you can look at the time in the future when it will be over, but I don't know when that will be. A year from now? Will I be okay with it then? Will I feel this way forever? Am I hanging onto it, or do I need to grieve through it and let go? Do I need to focus somewhere else? How do I cope, how do I get through this? How do you reset when you devoted your life to someone and suddenly that's over? For now I take it one day at a time, and tomorrow will be laundry, lessons, running the kids around, reading with them, cooking dinner, and whatever else I can squeeze in.
I'm sure in time we all get through it. Thanks for reading.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Fire, Family, Future, and the end of the AlphaBlog
First off, I'm ditching the Alphablog idea. Ironic in the fact that this post starts with "F" anyway, but whatever.
Well a lot has been going one while I've been gone! We had a wildfire here in Oklahoma (okay technically we had several, I don't remember how many, but we had one here in the OKC area that I'm talking about). I first found out about the fire when my kids called me outside to ask about the "red clouds" in the sky. At first I thought it was dirt stirred up from the winds (we had crazy winds that day), but then I noticed the smell and realized it was smoke. I told the kids something was burning and came in to check it out on the TV. Sure enough, wildfires across the state including one here locally, but it was seven miles away so I didn't think anything of it. I muted the TV and started working on homework with the kids. About 30 minutes later we realize we can hear someone talking so I jump up and check the front door and the police are outside yelling for everyone to evacuate.
Okay at this point I think the fire is still miles away so we just grab our shoes and keys and hop in the car and pull out. I didn't even think about grabbing clothes, medicine, pictures, anything. I thought we were being evacuated just as a precaution. It wasn't until I pulled out of our neighborhood and started towards my parents house that I realized how wrong I was. White ash sprinkled down on our car and the smell of smoke made my sinuses hurt. I realized the fire was a lot closer than we last heard and I started calling everyone I knew trying to get a scope on what was going on.
We drove out to my parents house and let ourselves in as they were in town shopping. I turned on the TV and watched in horror as they showed the fire approaching the high school next to my neighborhood and then the helicopter panned over to show the line of fire trucks on the road east of my house. They were drawing the line there hoping to stop the fire from spreading further. Of course that didn't help anything BEFORE that road, which happened to be where my home was.
Over the next few hours I watched the news, hoping for some sign that things would be okay. I couldn't pull away from it, and I cried and cursed and desperately hoped for a miracle. Two hours later they panned across my neighborhood again and my heart fell. The sweep of the camera was swift but I could clearly make out a line of fire devouring the fence that lined the back of the houses on my street. I didn't have time to count out which house it was at, but it didn't matter, if it was that far there was nothing to stop it.
My son turned off the TV, insisting that it was torture to continue watching it. I couldn't argue, I was lost. I kept trying to reach my ex-husband, who still did not know what was going on or that his children might now be homeless. A few hours later I finally reached him.
He insisted that the house was fine and that he was going to go there and see for himself. I told him he couldn't get to it and he said nobody would keep him from HIS house (never mind the fact that it's supposed to be MY house now). He drove as close as he could and then set off on foot to find the house. Yes, in the middle of wildfires, and the middle of the night as it was 11pm by this point, he set off on foot to walk two+ miles to check on the house. I begged him not to do it, his kids begged him not to do it, his parents begged him not to do it, co-workers and friends called him and told him not to do it. He did it anyway. He got lost, wandered a mile off course, but three hours later he finally made it.
He called me. The house had survived. The fire had devoured our fence and melted the pool and burned up part of the yard but the fire department got there and put it out as it was climbing the neighbors' tree. Thank goodness, that tree touches my roof and if it had climbed much higher my house would have been gone. We still had our home.
Two doors down they weren't so lucky. That house and the house next to it both burned down. It's devastating, heartbreaking, and amazing how some houses burned and others didn't. The house three doors down belonged to the family of a friend of my children's. I can't tell you how many times that sweet little boy would ring our doorbell asking if my kids can come out to play. He's not there now, but they are safe, and hopefully they will be able to rebuild.
Two of my daughter's classmates lost their homes, and four in my son's class are also dealing with the loss. The good side is nobody was hurt. As for us, the insurance adjuster came on Monday, by Wednesday the money was in the bank and the dumpster comes next week so we can start the clean up. We had no phone or internet for a few days, and the water and electric have come and gone a few times as the utility companies scramble to repair and replace the transformers and wells that were damaged, but life moves forward.
In other news, I had a job interview today. I'm still hoping for a job that will give me benefits and a decent wage but it's a struggle. The people I interviewed with today seemed interested but they don't offer insurance. I'm not sure if it will work out or not, but I guess I'll call next week and find out if they want me or not. If not, hopefully I'll still hear back from some other feelers.
This Sunday is my grandmother's 80th birthday. We are all getting together to celebrate, which should be fun. Tomorrow I'll bake a cake for her, and map out the directions to her house as I'll be driving there alone for the first time.
I'm doing well with my online lessons. I fell behind due to the fire and the lack of internet but my plan is to catch up this weekend. Next week is the last two lessons and then I'll have a couple of weeks off before the next set start. The plus side is by the time the next session starts the kids will be almost done with school so I won't have to work out their homework as well as mine. Hopefully I'll have a job by then as well.
Well I better close this up. I'm sure I had more to talk about but the kids have left and I need to get some things done. Have a great weekend!!
Well a lot has been going one while I've been gone! We had a wildfire here in Oklahoma (okay technically we had several, I don't remember how many, but we had one here in the OKC area that I'm talking about). I first found out about the fire when my kids called me outside to ask about the "red clouds" in the sky. At first I thought it was dirt stirred up from the winds (we had crazy winds that day), but then I noticed the smell and realized it was smoke. I told the kids something was burning and came in to check it out on the TV. Sure enough, wildfires across the state including one here locally, but it was seven miles away so I didn't think anything of it. I muted the TV and started working on homework with the kids. About 30 minutes later we realize we can hear someone talking so I jump up and check the front door and the police are outside yelling for everyone to evacuate.
Okay at this point I think the fire is still miles away so we just grab our shoes and keys and hop in the car and pull out. I didn't even think about grabbing clothes, medicine, pictures, anything. I thought we were being evacuated just as a precaution. It wasn't until I pulled out of our neighborhood and started towards my parents house that I realized how wrong I was. White ash sprinkled down on our car and the smell of smoke made my sinuses hurt. I realized the fire was a lot closer than we last heard and I started calling everyone I knew trying to get a scope on what was going on.
We drove out to my parents house and let ourselves in as they were in town shopping. I turned on the TV and watched in horror as they showed the fire approaching the high school next to my neighborhood and then the helicopter panned over to show the line of fire trucks on the road east of my house. They were drawing the line there hoping to stop the fire from spreading further. Of course that didn't help anything BEFORE that road, which happened to be where my home was.
Over the next few hours I watched the news, hoping for some sign that things would be okay. I couldn't pull away from it, and I cried and cursed and desperately hoped for a miracle. Two hours later they panned across my neighborhood again and my heart fell. The sweep of the camera was swift but I could clearly make out a line of fire devouring the fence that lined the back of the houses on my street. I didn't have time to count out which house it was at, but it didn't matter, if it was that far there was nothing to stop it.
My son turned off the TV, insisting that it was torture to continue watching it. I couldn't argue, I was lost. I kept trying to reach my ex-husband, who still did not know what was going on or that his children might now be homeless. A few hours later I finally reached him.
He insisted that the house was fine and that he was going to go there and see for himself. I told him he couldn't get to it and he said nobody would keep him from HIS house (never mind the fact that it's supposed to be MY house now). He drove as close as he could and then set off on foot to find the house. Yes, in the middle of wildfires, and the middle of the night as it was 11pm by this point, he set off on foot to walk two+ miles to check on the house. I begged him not to do it, his kids begged him not to do it, his parents begged him not to do it, co-workers and friends called him and told him not to do it. He did it anyway. He got lost, wandered a mile off course, but three hours later he finally made it.
He called me. The house had survived. The fire had devoured our fence and melted the pool and burned up part of the yard but the fire department got there and put it out as it was climbing the neighbors' tree. Thank goodness, that tree touches my roof and if it had climbed much higher my house would have been gone. We still had our home.
Two doors down they weren't so lucky. That house and the house next to it both burned down. It's devastating, heartbreaking, and amazing how some houses burned and others didn't. The house three doors down belonged to the family of a friend of my children's. I can't tell you how many times that sweet little boy would ring our doorbell asking if my kids can come out to play. He's not there now, but they are safe, and hopefully they will be able to rebuild.
Two of my daughter's classmates lost their homes, and four in my son's class are also dealing with the loss. The good side is nobody was hurt. As for us, the insurance adjuster came on Monday, by Wednesday the money was in the bank and the dumpster comes next week so we can start the clean up. We had no phone or internet for a few days, and the water and electric have come and gone a few times as the utility companies scramble to repair and replace the transformers and wells that were damaged, but life moves forward.
In other news, I had a job interview today. I'm still hoping for a job that will give me benefits and a decent wage but it's a struggle. The people I interviewed with today seemed interested but they don't offer insurance. I'm not sure if it will work out or not, but I guess I'll call next week and find out if they want me or not. If not, hopefully I'll still hear back from some other feelers.
This Sunday is my grandmother's 80th birthday. We are all getting together to celebrate, which should be fun. Tomorrow I'll bake a cake for her, and map out the directions to her house as I'll be driving there alone for the first time.
I'm doing well with my online lessons. I fell behind due to the fire and the lack of internet but my plan is to catch up this weekend. Next week is the last two lessons and then I'll have a couple of weeks off before the next set start. The plus side is by the time the next session starts the kids will be almost done with school so I won't have to work out their homework as well as mine. Hopefully I'll have a job by then as well.
Well I better close this up. I'm sure I had more to talk about but the kids have left and I need to get some things done. Have a great weekend!!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Alpha blog challenge
Aloha! I'm starting the alpha blog challenge, 26 consecutive posts each beginning with the letters of the alphabet. I'm trying to get my blogging more regular (kind of like Metamucil for the soul I guess), so lets see if this helps. Now what to blog about?
Admiration, that's a good one. I admire people who go after what they want, who have beautiful senses of humor, and occasionally I'll sit back and admire the attractiveness of someone who has a personality tick that intrigues me.
Animals, I miss my pets. I bought a book on kittens at the book fair thinking it would be a way to look at the cute little snuggums but instead it just depresses me that I can never have a cat again. I have had pets my whole life practically, and I'll admit that not having one is really kind of depressing, especially since it isn't a temporary situation but pretty much permanent. Maybe I'll get a guinea pig.
Allergies, tied into the above, I hate stinking allergies! My poor kids, their lives are altered because of them. I blame my ex, he was the one that was always allergic to everything. I'm only allergic to medication. I seriously think I need to go see a professional allergy doc though, I just have to fight with my regular doc to get the referral. Why, with two children with allergies I cannot just ask for that appointment I don't know. Stupid rules!
Advice, you know that old saying about advice and assholes? Hee, that cracks me up. I get lots of advice right now. There is something about going through a divorce and looking for a job that just seems to be a neon beacon for people to come to me and dump advice on me. I get that people are trying to help, but some of the advice is just flat out stupid. I guess you just have to be a penguin in that situation and smile and wave, boys, just smile and wave.
Affection, I miss the kind of affection you get from a true partner. Granted I haven't really had it for years, my ex was MIA and AWOL long before he finally moved out, but I remember the tender moments from when we had them. There are times when you just want to be held, because being held lets you know that it will be alright. I miss that. Thankfully my kids love to give me affection so hugs and kisses are always rained upon me, but it would be nice to just be held by someone who makes it alright again.
Aggravation, my ex still frustrates me regularly, but I'm trying to get to the point where that stuff doesn't bother me. It's frustrating to still be looking for a job. I could do so many things if I could just find a company to give me a chance. I know if I hang in there it will happen, it's just getting frustrating because I need a job already.
Awesome, first I love this word and use it way too much, and second things I think are awesome this week: Twitter, InfoMania, Writing Quotes, Post-it notes, and small journals. Hmm, maybe I should make that a weekly thing too. I'll consider it.
Addictive, I'm off Dr. Pepper for a bit again, I guess I haven't had one in probably six days or so although I'll admit I'm pining pretty badly so if I get out today I might pick one up. Also there is a patchwork game at BigFishGames.com that is addictive in that it never seems to end!! I got up to level 93 after playing for two days (coming and going) and then I accidentally hit the wrong button and moved away from the page and so of course I had to start over. AAARRGGGHHH!!!! I didn't, I wasn't going to spend another two days working my way back up to there, but if anyone does make it to the end, leave me a comment and tell me how many levels there are in total, please?? I'm guessing there are 100, but I'll never know. :(
Accomplishment, I finished the leopard costume for my daughter this weekend. She is in a play on Thursday and so we were supposed to buy a sweat suit and alter it into a leopard costume. Have I mentioned here before that I don't sew? Or hey, how about the fact that in March nobody sells sweatsuits because it's spring and never mind the snow outside, we are selling bikinis and shorts!! I scoured the internet and every company in town and finally found one place that would order her a suit in her size. She really needed yellow but nobody had yellow so she ended up with white and so she's a snow leopard I guess. Anyway, we got the suit, painted spots all over it, whipped up a tail and ears and I'm done with it. My ex was here and he did help with some of the painting and he did stitch the tail to the pants after I finished making the tail, but I did stitch the ears and the tail itself. Yea me, right?
Accounting, hee, I just remembered two of my online classes start with "A" so here we go. I am taking fundamentals of accounting and I have such a love/hate relationship with it, it's not even funny. I like working with the numbers, I like filling out the little ledgers and journals, etc, but some of the logic there just is way over my head. Assets increase with debit? Liabilities increase with credit? That just doesn't seem right. I used to want to be an accountant because I loved money math, now I realize accounting has it's own math system and I'm not so enamored with it anymore.
Administrative Assistant, okay I really do not like this class. It's not hard, not really, but it is like slogging through mud. I'm not interested in what they are teaching, I fail to see how it's relevant, and I feel like it's a waste of time and money. I'm not sure what I thought they would teach me in this course, but apparently it isn't what they have been teaching me. I can't wait for this one to end and be done with.
Anything else? Hmm, well I'm still looking for a job, still editing Empathy, still trying to get back into writing, although I haven't written on Mirror Man or Hudson House in like three weeks. Yesterday I did write some on a new story called "Not Really Looking", which so far is all me and kind of a purge/story combo. I'll either alter it later to fictionalize it or I'll save it for my eyes only and leave it at that. I'm not really interested in shopping around my own real life story. ;) This week will be busy as I have appointments Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and I need to get out there and return my videos and library stuff before I get fines. Hopefully I'll get some job interviews in there as well. Fingers crossed!!
As always, take care of yourself, and have an awesome day!!
Admiration, that's a good one. I admire people who go after what they want, who have beautiful senses of humor, and occasionally I'll sit back and admire the attractiveness of someone who has a personality tick that intrigues me.
Animals, I miss my pets. I bought a book on kittens at the book fair thinking it would be a way to look at the cute little snuggums but instead it just depresses me that I can never have a cat again. I have had pets my whole life practically, and I'll admit that not having one is really kind of depressing, especially since it isn't a temporary situation but pretty much permanent. Maybe I'll get a guinea pig.
Allergies, tied into the above, I hate stinking allergies! My poor kids, their lives are altered because of them. I blame my ex, he was the one that was always allergic to everything. I'm only allergic to medication. I seriously think I need to go see a professional allergy doc though, I just have to fight with my regular doc to get the referral. Why, with two children with allergies I cannot just ask for that appointment I don't know. Stupid rules!
Advice, you know that old saying about advice and assholes? Hee, that cracks me up. I get lots of advice right now. There is something about going through a divorce and looking for a job that just seems to be a neon beacon for people to come to me and dump advice on me. I get that people are trying to help, but some of the advice is just flat out stupid. I guess you just have to be a penguin in that situation and smile and wave, boys, just smile and wave.
Affection, I miss the kind of affection you get from a true partner. Granted I haven't really had it for years, my ex was MIA and AWOL long before he finally moved out, but I remember the tender moments from when we had them. There are times when you just want to be held, because being held lets you know that it will be alright. I miss that. Thankfully my kids love to give me affection so hugs and kisses are always rained upon me, but it would be nice to just be held by someone who makes it alright again.
Aggravation, my ex still frustrates me regularly, but I'm trying to get to the point where that stuff doesn't bother me. It's frustrating to still be looking for a job. I could do so many things if I could just find a company to give me a chance. I know if I hang in there it will happen, it's just getting frustrating because I need a job already.
Awesome, first I love this word and use it way too much, and second things I think are awesome this week: Twitter, InfoMania, Writing Quotes, Post-it notes, and small journals. Hmm, maybe I should make that a weekly thing too. I'll consider it.
Addictive, I'm off Dr. Pepper for a bit again, I guess I haven't had one in probably six days or so although I'll admit I'm pining pretty badly so if I get out today I might pick one up. Also there is a patchwork game at BigFishGames.com that is addictive in that it never seems to end!! I got up to level 93 after playing for two days (coming and going) and then I accidentally hit the wrong button and moved away from the page and so of course I had to start over. AAARRGGGHHH!!!! I didn't, I wasn't going to spend another two days working my way back up to there, but if anyone does make it to the end, leave me a comment and tell me how many levels there are in total, please?? I'm guessing there are 100, but I'll never know. :(
Accomplishment, I finished the leopard costume for my daughter this weekend. She is in a play on Thursday and so we were supposed to buy a sweat suit and alter it into a leopard costume. Have I mentioned here before that I don't sew? Or hey, how about the fact that in March nobody sells sweatsuits because it's spring and never mind the snow outside, we are selling bikinis and shorts!! I scoured the internet and every company in town and finally found one place that would order her a suit in her size. She really needed yellow but nobody had yellow so she ended up with white and so she's a snow leopard I guess. Anyway, we got the suit, painted spots all over it, whipped up a tail and ears and I'm done with it. My ex was here and he did help with some of the painting and he did stitch the tail to the pants after I finished making the tail, but I did stitch the ears and the tail itself. Yea me, right?
Accounting, hee, I just remembered two of my online classes start with "A" so here we go. I am taking fundamentals of accounting and I have such a love/hate relationship with it, it's not even funny. I like working with the numbers, I like filling out the little ledgers and journals, etc, but some of the logic there just is way over my head. Assets increase with debit? Liabilities increase with credit? That just doesn't seem right. I used to want to be an accountant because I loved money math, now I realize accounting has it's own math system and I'm not so enamored with it anymore.
Administrative Assistant, okay I really do not like this class. It's not hard, not really, but it is like slogging through mud. I'm not interested in what they are teaching, I fail to see how it's relevant, and I feel like it's a waste of time and money. I'm not sure what I thought they would teach me in this course, but apparently it isn't what they have been teaching me. I can't wait for this one to end and be done with.
Anything else? Hmm, well I'm still looking for a job, still editing Empathy, still trying to get back into writing, although I haven't written on Mirror Man or Hudson House in like three weeks. Yesterday I did write some on a new story called "Not Really Looking", which so far is all me and kind of a purge/story combo. I'll either alter it later to fictionalize it or I'll save it for my eyes only and leave it at that. I'm not really interested in shopping around my own real life story. ;) This week will be busy as I have appointments Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and I need to get out there and return my videos and library stuff before I get fines. Hopefully I'll get some job interviews in there as well. Fingers crossed!!
As always, take care of yourself, and have an awesome day!!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Mired but still Fighting
Hello, seriously I suck at this daily journaling thing. If journaling was something you could do five times a year and be good, I'd be golden, but remembering to be regular at it, that's hard. It's not that I don't have things to say, goodness no, I could blather on all day long, it's just taking the time to sit and type it all out and post it here that is the stickler.
Well what's new, hmm. I'm enrolled in some online classes. I'm taking accounting, admin assistant, Excel and computers for the workplace. All in the hopes that I'll get a job soon, high hopes, high hopes. Computers for the workplace is a cake walk, it's stuff I learned years ago but I'm hoping there will be a few tidbits in there I didn't know about before. Administrative Assistant is interesting, although kind of scary. Excel is a lot more fun than I thought it would be, I thought that would be the hard class and instead, it's the one I want to play on all the time. Accounting is kicking my rear. I'm so glad I took this class before enrolling in a whole four year accounting degree program, I would have been miserable!! I love money math, but Accounting takes money math and warps it into accounts, and accounts are weird! I'm trying to learn the whole "assets increase debit, liabilities increase credit" thing. That seems so backwards to me!! The only way I understand it is that it doesn't make any sense so it has to be that way. I'm hoping it will click in soon. Then there is the whole double reporting accounts, that warps my brain a little too. I'm doing well with it but I am very confused.
On the writing front I'm stalled out. I haven't written in two weeks. I've been trying to edit Empathy and I'm failing. I suck at macro editing, I have the first two chapters that need to be whittled down and reworked into a single chapter, and I can't seem to do it. I want to pull my hair out, scream, and burn the damn thing in effigy. Maybe I will, I still have it electronically backed up. I'm determined to get through it today if I have to tie myself to a chair to do it.
In other news, I am attempting to Twitter. Considering how frequent I am here you can imagine how great I'll be at that (not to mention do I ever do anything interesting enough to tweet about? I'm not sure). Conor Knighton, the host of infoMania, mentioned he twittered and I followed his link to check it out. Now I have all the people from infoMania followed, as I love those people. InfoMania was the one and only show I would watch, but now I also watch The Rotten Tomatoes show with Brett Erlich and Ellen Fox, and I am actually watching a show on television again (pause to gasp in shock), I'm watching Castle, with Nathan Fillion. I love Nathan Fillion, he's very entertaining to watch and also watching the main character, who is a writer, go through his though processes is pretty interesting. Although I will say, episode three did not have so much of the "writer" part in it. We'll see how long I can stand watching TV again before I give it up again.
Speaking of the writer process, I love to hear about how other writers do their thing. Well heck, I love to hear about how anyone does their thing, no matter what the job is. I chatted up the Department of Transportation guys at the job fair two weeks ago on how you make asphalt and the different purposes of surface materials, why? Well it's kind of interesting for one, and they were very friendly and willing to talk for two, and heck, you never know when that information might come in handy for three.
My process? Well first I get a bud of an idea, an image, a question, a person, and I start turning it over in my mind, like a pretty rock I'm trying to identify. Then come the questions, who is this, why is this, what is this, who cares? I keep asking questions and more and more of the idea comes into view, and then if I didn't start with a character, one will step out of the ether and begin to talk or react, and I'm looking at this person, and they begin to take shape and form and develop. I watch them, listen to them, see them move through situations and discover new things. Usually another character or two will slip out then, and they start to interact, further flushing themselves out. Then I start to see where they are headed, what they are doing, why the initial idea was important. I let them talk and play and explore in my head for a week or two, sometimes more, then one day, I sit down, and I write.
I also have an "office" where my characters apparently enjoy meeting up with me and chatting. It's odd because when they chat in my head, they discuss with each other, they don't interact with me at all, I'm an invisible observer, however when I'm in my "office" they step out and speak to me directly. They tell me what they are unhappy with, what they want to do, what they don't want to do, they crab at me for not writing about them, or for writing the wrong thing. Yep, they talk to me, in my "office", which happens to be my shower, I suppose because that's the one place in the world where for a few minutes I get peace and quiet and solitude, so why not have the spectres of the brain come out and harass me in there?? Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but I'm beginning to think you have to be a little crazy in order to be a writer. At the very least your normal has to be skewed a bit.
Other than that I've just been dealing and wheeling. I did get out this weekend and saw Paul Blart Mall Cop. Kevin James is funny. He has some skills on a sequeway too! I have no idea if that's the correct way to spell sequeway, I'll just say that now as I'm not sure spell check will know what the heck I mean and correct it. The kids just started school again after having a week off for spring break. They had a pretty good time, we went up to the Oklahoma Aquarium and to visit some family and then their cousins came out and spent some time with them and they went camping with their dad. I think they also went to the zoo and saw a couple of movies with their dad too (yes, while camping). They also went fishing and apparently caught several fish although they had to throw them all back because they didn't have something to bring them home in and my daughter was upset because she wanted to cook and eat her fish. Too funny! Oh, speaking of fish, at the OK Aquarium we saw a 98 pound blue catfish, that thing was a monster!! I love seeing huge fish, although sometimes they scare the crap out of me.
All in all, not too bad. The weather is getting warmer, although that means I'll have to clean the yard soon, which means the risk of snakes. I hate snakes, I hate them, I hate them I hate them, they scare the crap out of me. I'm such a wimp. I'm seriously considering moving into an apartment just so I don't have to deal with snakes. Of course with my luck, they would still end up there. Still, I prefer the warmer weather to the cold weather, and it's nice to be able to run around in shorts again.
Well I better get off here and see the kids off to school. I hope you have a beautiful day and take care of yourself!
Well what's new, hmm. I'm enrolled in some online classes. I'm taking accounting, admin assistant, Excel and computers for the workplace. All in the hopes that I'll get a job soon, high hopes, high hopes. Computers for the workplace is a cake walk, it's stuff I learned years ago but I'm hoping there will be a few tidbits in there I didn't know about before. Administrative Assistant is interesting, although kind of scary. Excel is a lot more fun than I thought it would be, I thought that would be the hard class and instead, it's the one I want to play on all the time. Accounting is kicking my rear. I'm so glad I took this class before enrolling in a whole four year accounting degree program, I would have been miserable!! I love money math, but Accounting takes money math and warps it into accounts, and accounts are weird! I'm trying to learn the whole "assets increase debit, liabilities increase credit" thing. That seems so backwards to me!! The only way I understand it is that it doesn't make any sense so it has to be that way. I'm hoping it will click in soon. Then there is the whole double reporting accounts, that warps my brain a little too. I'm doing well with it but I am very confused.
On the writing front I'm stalled out. I haven't written in two weeks. I've been trying to edit Empathy and I'm failing. I suck at macro editing, I have the first two chapters that need to be whittled down and reworked into a single chapter, and I can't seem to do it. I want to pull my hair out, scream, and burn the damn thing in effigy. Maybe I will, I still have it electronically backed up. I'm determined to get through it today if I have to tie myself to a chair to do it.
In other news, I am attempting to Twitter. Considering how frequent I am here you can imagine how great I'll be at that (not to mention do I ever do anything interesting enough to tweet about? I'm not sure). Conor Knighton, the host of infoMania, mentioned he twittered and I followed his link to check it out. Now I have all the people from infoMania followed, as I love those people. InfoMania was the one and only show I would watch, but now I also watch The Rotten Tomatoes show with Brett Erlich and Ellen Fox, and I am actually watching a show on television again (pause to gasp in shock), I'm watching Castle, with Nathan Fillion. I love Nathan Fillion, he's very entertaining to watch and also watching the main character, who is a writer, go through his though processes is pretty interesting. Although I will say, episode three did not have so much of the "writer" part in it. We'll see how long I can stand watching TV again before I give it up again.
Speaking of the writer process, I love to hear about how other writers do their thing. Well heck, I love to hear about how anyone does their thing, no matter what the job is. I chatted up the Department of Transportation guys at the job fair two weeks ago on how you make asphalt and the different purposes of surface materials, why? Well it's kind of interesting for one, and they were very friendly and willing to talk for two, and heck, you never know when that information might come in handy for three.
My process? Well first I get a bud of an idea, an image, a question, a person, and I start turning it over in my mind, like a pretty rock I'm trying to identify. Then come the questions, who is this, why is this, what is this, who cares? I keep asking questions and more and more of the idea comes into view, and then if I didn't start with a character, one will step out of the ether and begin to talk or react, and I'm looking at this person, and they begin to take shape and form and develop. I watch them, listen to them, see them move through situations and discover new things. Usually another character or two will slip out then, and they start to interact, further flushing themselves out. Then I start to see where they are headed, what they are doing, why the initial idea was important. I let them talk and play and explore in my head for a week or two, sometimes more, then one day, I sit down, and I write.
I also have an "office" where my characters apparently enjoy meeting up with me and chatting. It's odd because when they chat in my head, they discuss with each other, they don't interact with me at all, I'm an invisible observer, however when I'm in my "office" they step out and speak to me directly. They tell me what they are unhappy with, what they want to do, what they don't want to do, they crab at me for not writing about them, or for writing the wrong thing. Yep, they talk to me, in my "office", which happens to be my shower, I suppose because that's the one place in the world where for a few minutes I get peace and quiet and solitude, so why not have the spectres of the brain come out and harass me in there?? Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but I'm beginning to think you have to be a little crazy in order to be a writer. At the very least your normal has to be skewed a bit.
Other than that I've just been dealing and wheeling. I did get out this weekend and saw Paul Blart Mall Cop. Kevin James is funny. He has some skills on a sequeway too! I have no idea if that's the correct way to spell sequeway, I'll just say that now as I'm not sure spell check will know what the heck I mean and correct it. The kids just started school again after having a week off for spring break. They had a pretty good time, we went up to the Oklahoma Aquarium and to visit some family and then their cousins came out and spent some time with them and they went camping with their dad. I think they also went to the zoo and saw a couple of movies with their dad too (yes, while camping). They also went fishing and apparently caught several fish although they had to throw them all back because they didn't have something to bring them home in and my daughter was upset because she wanted to cook and eat her fish. Too funny! Oh, speaking of fish, at the OK Aquarium we saw a 98 pound blue catfish, that thing was a monster!! I love seeing huge fish, although sometimes they scare the crap out of me.
All in all, not too bad. The weather is getting warmer, although that means I'll have to clean the yard soon, which means the risk of snakes. I hate snakes, I hate them, I hate them I hate them, they scare the crap out of me. I'm such a wimp. I'm seriously considering moving into an apartment just so I don't have to deal with snakes. Of course with my luck, they would still end up there. Still, I prefer the warmer weather to the cold weather, and it's nice to be able to run around in shorts again.
Well I better get off here and see the kids off to school. I hope you have a beautiful day and take care of yourself!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Feeling Better
Well, I finally drug myself out of my funk. I had considered calling in sick and cancelling my plans and just laying on the couch with a blanket over my head all night, but then that drive to not let other people down got to me and so I packed the kids up, took them to grandma's, and then went to my writing group.
First off, by getting out I was driving and listening to music. I need to put a post it note that when I feel lost to get in the car and just drive because really, between driving fast and having the music up loud, that alone does wonders for my mood. Since I was in for some wheels and squeals therapy anyway, I took the "fun road" which is somewhat off the standard path, but a really great road to drive on. It has huge hills, and one twisty part with curves that are just a joy to maneuver. I would love to be able to close that road off and be able to drive it at whatever speeds I felt like instead of having to obey the speed limit and fear for other traffic. That road would be awesome at 70-90 miles an hour. I might not survive it, but it would be one hell of a ride!
Anyway, so I drove fast, sang loud, and then I was really feeling good again. I went to my writing group, a wonderful group of ladies, I love them. I read my new story, which I really enjoyed sharing. I also got chewed on to get busy with my editing, so I'll get on that. All in all, a wonderful night.
The problem that put me into a funk in the first place is still something I need to work out, but I think I'll get some space and see if I don't see the proper solution when I can get the right focus on it. I'm sure I'll figure it out sooner or later. In the meantime, the road is long and the beat is loud. Roll on.
First off, by getting out I was driving and listening to music. I need to put a post it note that when I feel lost to get in the car and just drive because really, between driving fast and having the music up loud, that alone does wonders for my mood. Since I was in for some wheels and squeals therapy anyway, I took the "fun road" which is somewhat off the standard path, but a really great road to drive on. It has huge hills, and one twisty part with curves that are just a joy to maneuver. I would love to be able to close that road off and be able to drive it at whatever speeds I felt like instead of having to obey the speed limit and fear for other traffic. That road would be awesome at 70-90 miles an hour. I might not survive it, but it would be one hell of a ride!
Anyway, so I drove fast, sang loud, and then I was really feeling good again. I went to my writing group, a wonderful group of ladies, I love them. I read my new story, which I really enjoyed sharing. I also got chewed on to get busy with my editing, so I'll get on that. All in all, a wonderful night.
The problem that put me into a funk in the first place is still something I need to work out, but I think I'll get some space and see if I don't see the proper solution when I can get the right focus on it. I'm sure I'll figure it out sooner or later. In the meantime, the road is long and the beat is loud. Roll on.
Into the Cold Darkness
I should be writing. I should be writing and I should be doing laundry. I should be paying my bills, and cleaning the kitchen and vacuuming. Thank god for spell check, because I can't spell vacuuming, I'll admit it right now. I should be printing my story for tonight's writing group. I should be filing the stack of insurance forms that came in the mail yesterday. I should be laughing and feeling good.
I'm tired, and not because I stayed up late, although I did do that last night. I'm weary, but not because I woke up early. I'm lost, and it's not because I don't know what I need to be doing, but because I don't know what to do. I sleep, I wake, I shiver in the cold that is my skin, I cry. Repeat.
I got an email today from PostSecret. If you aren't familiar with PostSecret it's a program started by a man, I won't bother to look up his name, where he encouraged people to create postcards and write secrets that they have never told anyone, that are true, and mail them anonymously to him. He then gathered them and published them into a book. I think he has four or five books out now. Fascinating idea if you think about it, he's getting rich off of other's desperate hope to be heard.
Anyway, I thought about that, all those secrets, flowing out there through the mail, like tiny bubbles trying to raise up to heaven to be heard, messages in bottles fighting against the waves to find a shore and an eye, and a heart to understand them. Do we all desperately want to let someone know what's in those deep dark places inside of us? Yes, I think we do. So what happens when you find someone who listens, and embraces you, and reads all your secrets, catches all your bubbles, gathers all your bottles? It's euphoria, right?
Yes, it can be. You tear down the walls, you break down the doors, you rip apart the bars and bare the deepest parts of your soul that surprise even yourself. You say the things you've never allowed to be uttered outside your own mind. You let your true ugliness show, and in the process show the beauty you hide from the rest of the world as well. You are real, 3-D, fully technicolor and brilliant. You are naked and raw standing before this beautiful guardian of your secrets, and place the keys trustingly into their hands. It's wonderful, right?
It can be. In theory I suppose. You know there was a theory once that to lay eyes upon God would be more than a mere mortal could experience and they would be destroyed from the sheer overwhelming nature of what they are trying to behold. Maybe that's true about bearing your soul and all of your secrets also. Maybe that is just more honesty and truth and rawness than can be shared and understood, and doomed to self destruction. Maybe it's like that theoretical first brief glimpse of God, where it feels incredible and wonderful and you cannot believe you are the lucky soul to be given this gift and you open up so you can fully embrace the glory of what's before you and then you are just ripped apart, tissue by tissue, molecule by molecule and all there is is a searing non ending pain and you can't figure out what you did wrong but somehow you have broken a universal law of nature and now you are being punished for it. It's too late to tear free, it's too late to undo what you have done, and so you are ravaged with soul rendering agony until the final remains slam shut, and everything goes cold, and dark, and empty, and all that remains that can be felt at all is the echoing residue of that all encompassing pain.
Maybe it's better to release one tiny secret, one dim shadow from the dark places on our souls, into the universe to be washed upon a welcome shore or be lost at sea. Maybe that is all we are allowed, tiny moments, random and uncertain, released to the wind. Maybe to want more is to beg for disaster. I don't know.
I should pay my bills. I should fold my laundry. I should print my story. I should eat something, I haven't eaten all day. But I won't, because the cold is getting to me again. So I'll curl up again, and I'll shut my eyes against the light I can see but no longer feel, and I'll pull that darkness over me and pray to escape. Until I wake again.
I'm tired, and not because I stayed up late, although I did do that last night. I'm weary, but not because I woke up early. I'm lost, and it's not because I don't know what I need to be doing, but because I don't know what to do. I sleep, I wake, I shiver in the cold that is my skin, I cry. Repeat.
I got an email today from PostSecret. If you aren't familiar with PostSecret it's a program started by a man, I won't bother to look up his name, where he encouraged people to create postcards and write secrets that they have never told anyone, that are true, and mail them anonymously to him. He then gathered them and published them into a book. I think he has four or five books out now. Fascinating idea if you think about it, he's getting rich off of other's desperate hope to be heard.
Anyway, I thought about that, all those secrets, flowing out there through the mail, like tiny bubbles trying to raise up to heaven to be heard, messages in bottles fighting against the waves to find a shore and an eye, and a heart to understand them. Do we all desperately want to let someone know what's in those deep dark places inside of us? Yes, I think we do. So what happens when you find someone who listens, and embraces you, and reads all your secrets, catches all your bubbles, gathers all your bottles? It's euphoria, right?
Yes, it can be. You tear down the walls, you break down the doors, you rip apart the bars and bare the deepest parts of your soul that surprise even yourself. You say the things you've never allowed to be uttered outside your own mind. You let your true ugliness show, and in the process show the beauty you hide from the rest of the world as well. You are real, 3-D, fully technicolor and brilliant. You are naked and raw standing before this beautiful guardian of your secrets, and place the keys trustingly into their hands. It's wonderful, right?
It can be. In theory I suppose. You know there was a theory once that to lay eyes upon God would be more than a mere mortal could experience and they would be destroyed from the sheer overwhelming nature of what they are trying to behold. Maybe that's true about bearing your soul and all of your secrets also. Maybe that is just more honesty and truth and rawness than can be shared and understood, and doomed to self destruction. Maybe it's like that theoretical first brief glimpse of God, where it feels incredible and wonderful and you cannot believe you are the lucky soul to be given this gift and you open up so you can fully embrace the glory of what's before you and then you are just ripped apart, tissue by tissue, molecule by molecule and all there is is a searing non ending pain and you can't figure out what you did wrong but somehow you have broken a universal law of nature and now you are being punished for it. It's too late to tear free, it's too late to undo what you have done, and so you are ravaged with soul rendering agony until the final remains slam shut, and everything goes cold, and dark, and empty, and all that remains that can be felt at all is the echoing residue of that all encompassing pain.
Maybe it's better to release one tiny secret, one dim shadow from the dark places on our souls, into the universe to be washed upon a welcome shore or be lost at sea. Maybe that is all we are allowed, tiny moments, random and uncertain, released to the wind. Maybe to want more is to beg for disaster. I don't know.
I should pay my bills. I should fold my laundry. I should print my story. I should eat something, I haven't eaten all day. But I won't, because the cold is getting to me again. So I'll curl up again, and I'll shut my eyes against the light I can see but no longer feel, and I'll pull that darkness over me and pray to escape. Until I wake again.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunshine and Roses
It is a beautiful day in the world, you know that? I am just glowing today, absolutely on fire. I feel alive today, like my very skin is dancing with joy. My heart just sings, and I can't help but think of wonderful things that tug at me in delicious ways of pure enchantment. Yep, I'm delighted.
Why so wonderful? Many reasons, but really I just feel alive and at peace with the universe for a moment. It's good to feel that way. I feel beautiful today, and I feel magnificent, and I just feel like I could do anything. Just incredible!
Still working on my mystery story, I have two and a half chapters done, and can't wait to get more out there. The kids barely had any homework tonight, which is always nice. Leftovers for dinner (you have to do that from time to time I'm afraid, just to clear out the fridge) and so I'm ready to go to bed on time!
Still no word from the job interview, but honestly I expect it to take a week. In the meantime, I'm a full time writer looking for a second job. I believe that if you trust in the universe, and let go and don't fight it, that all good things will be found right where you least expect them and everything will work out in the end. I know I've had enough proof of that in my life. The key is to learn to let go.
Anyway, I'm just delighted and hoping you are all having a wonderful moment in time as well. If not, hang in there, it's coming.
Peace, Love and Hope. T-out!
Why so wonderful? Many reasons, but really I just feel alive and at peace with the universe for a moment. It's good to feel that way. I feel beautiful today, and I feel magnificent, and I just feel like I could do anything. Just incredible!
Still working on my mystery story, I have two and a half chapters done, and can't wait to get more out there. The kids barely had any homework tonight, which is always nice. Leftovers for dinner (you have to do that from time to time I'm afraid, just to clear out the fridge) and so I'm ready to go to bed on time!
Still no word from the job interview, but honestly I expect it to take a week. In the meantime, I'm a full time writer looking for a second job. I believe that if you trust in the universe, and let go and don't fight it, that all good things will be found right where you least expect them and everything will work out in the end. I know I've had enough proof of that in my life. The key is to learn to let go.
Anyway, I'm just delighted and hoping you are all having a wonderful moment in time as well. If not, hang in there, it's coming.
Peace, Love and Hope. T-out!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A little more detail
Well I had my first job interview last night. All in all I thought it went well. I didn't cry and I didn't freak out, well at least not there, so hey, that's a success, right? I did cry and freak out at home, but then again, I have to go through those maelstroms to release that energy so I can breathe again. I still wish I could just stay home and write, but I know that I will get to that point someday.
I can't remember if I mentioned in the last post about my new story or not, but I'm writing a mystery. Actually, it's a psychological suspense, but I believe that's a sub genre of mystery, and if it's not, don't tell me because I'm doing this for a mystery class and I've had a hell of time working it out and I think I'm actually doing well for once, so leave me to my delusions. The mystery class is part of my local writing group, which I love. It's wonderful to go and sit with those ladies and just hear all the great stories. It's also nice to get to be just an adult for awhile without kids. My new story is really tense and kind of tricky because it's about a guy with all sorts of interesting neurosis's and issues and digging into that, both what causes it and what that makes him do, it's fascinating. I love to just crawl inside his head and look around, and see the world through his filters. Amazing!
I mentioned in my last post that I'm getting divorced. We haven't started the paperwork yet but it is definitely over. It's been almost two months now since he left, and I'm surprised at how well we all adjusted. It's really for the best, and I think we will both be happier in the long run, although I do mourn the loss of our relationship. My views on marriage are all screwed up now too, I don't know if I could ever do that again, but I guess if the right guy came along I would probably jump in again. I don't know, it's one of those things that I'm not planning on, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
The kids started public school and really enjoy it. It was hard on me at first losing our homeschooling, but I coped through it. I did cry when they got on the bus the first day, but really it was my daughter's first day ever to go off to school, and I cried when my son first went off to school in Kindergarten so it was to be expected. I'm such a girl sometimes. Anyway, I cried for a few minutes then I was okay, so all in all we adjusted well.
I found out my daughter was allergic to our pets so we had to give up our three cats and one dog. The other dog had been hurting and she was put down a few weeks prior. That was hard, and really tore up my ex. It was hard seeing him go through that. It broke my heart, he was so upset.
As for me, well I'm adjusting to being single and on my own. It's kind of weird, and kind of nice. It's a lot of responsibility, being the only parent, having to do all the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, all the errands, all the homework, everything, but I'm managing. My therapist said I was intelligent and doing a wonderful job coping. Actually everyone says I'm doing a wonderful job coping, only they say it in a weird way like they are shocked. I don't know if that means that they expect me to be a basket case or what, but it's odd. The other thing they all keep telling me is how I will find someone else, as if it would be bad for me to be alone. I think it would be good to be able to be okay alone, but I think it will be okay. There are some wonderful people out there, I've been blessed to know a few, and it would be wonderful to find one to keep. At the very least my heart beats and it lets me know I'm alive.
I absolutely love driving my car. It's so funny because I used to get so bugged out with driving, and I still get a little bugged out in some places, but I love that little green monster. It's funny because that model has a grill that people have said look like sharks teeth, and from the front it does look pretty aggressive for such a cute little sedan, but I love it. And after all this time, I find I like to drive fast. Not like insanely fast, but I'll admit I can finally understand why my ex always wanted to go five to ten miles over the speed limit. I would love to go someplace where you can just floor it, I love to accelerate. I'm sure there is some kind of sexual connotation to be made there, but I'll leave it up to you to make it. I love to have the radio up loud, singing along and just moving down the road. Beautiful!!
It's getting warmer here, and it looks like that damn groundhog might have been okay after all. I'm so ready for spring!! I keep checking the long outlook but everything is looking like it's getting warmer and warmer. We are actually supposed to get up to 76 later this week. Woohoo, heatwave!! I might just wash my car again.
Well I better close this up and eat something. I hope you all have a wonderful day! Peace, Love, and Cookies!!
I can't remember if I mentioned in the last post about my new story or not, but I'm writing a mystery. Actually, it's a psychological suspense, but I believe that's a sub genre of mystery, and if it's not, don't tell me because I'm doing this for a mystery class and I've had a hell of time working it out and I think I'm actually doing well for once, so leave me to my delusions. The mystery class is part of my local writing group, which I love. It's wonderful to go and sit with those ladies and just hear all the great stories. It's also nice to get to be just an adult for awhile without kids. My new story is really tense and kind of tricky because it's about a guy with all sorts of interesting neurosis's and issues and digging into that, both what causes it and what that makes him do, it's fascinating. I love to just crawl inside his head and look around, and see the world through his filters. Amazing!
I mentioned in my last post that I'm getting divorced. We haven't started the paperwork yet but it is definitely over. It's been almost two months now since he left, and I'm surprised at how well we all adjusted. It's really for the best, and I think we will both be happier in the long run, although I do mourn the loss of our relationship. My views on marriage are all screwed up now too, I don't know if I could ever do that again, but I guess if the right guy came along I would probably jump in again. I don't know, it's one of those things that I'm not planning on, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
The kids started public school and really enjoy it. It was hard on me at first losing our homeschooling, but I coped through it. I did cry when they got on the bus the first day, but really it was my daughter's first day ever to go off to school, and I cried when my son first went off to school in Kindergarten so it was to be expected. I'm such a girl sometimes. Anyway, I cried for a few minutes then I was okay, so all in all we adjusted well.
I found out my daughter was allergic to our pets so we had to give up our three cats and one dog. The other dog had been hurting and she was put down a few weeks prior. That was hard, and really tore up my ex. It was hard seeing him go through that. It broke my heart, he was so upset.
As for me, well I'm adjusting to being single and on my own. It's kind of weird, and kind of nice. It's a lot of responsibility, being the only parent, having to do all the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, all the errands, all the homework, everything, but I'm managing. My therapist said I was intelligent and doing a wonderful job coping. Actually everyone says I'm doing a wonderful job coping, only they say it in a weird way like they are shocked. I don't know if that means that they expect me to be a basket case or what, but it's odd. The other thing they all keep telling me is how I will find someone else, as if it would be bad for me to be alone. I think it would be good to be able to be okay alone, but I think it will be okay. There are some wonderful people out there, I've been blessed to know a few, and it would be wonderful to find one to keep. At the very least my heart beats and it lets me know I'm alive.
I absolutely love driving my car. It's so funny because I used to get so bugged out with driving, and I still get a little bugged out in some places, but I love that little green monster. It's funny because that model has a grill that people have said look like sharks teeth, and from the front it does look pretty aggressive for such a cute little sedan, but I love it. And after all this time, I find I like to drive fast. Not like insanely fast, but I'll admit I can finally understand why my ex always wanted to go five to ten miles over the speed limit. I would love to go someplace where you can just floor it, I love to accelerate. I'm sure there is some kind of sexual connotation to be made there, but I'll leave it up to you to make it. I love to have the radio up loud, singing along and just moving down the road. Beautiful!!
It's getting warmer here, and it looks like that damn groundhog might have been okay after all. I'm so ready for spring!! I keep checking the long outlook but everything is looking like it's getting warmer and warmer. We are actually supposed to get up to 76 later this week. Woohoo, heatwave!! I might just wash my car again.
Well I better close this up and eat something. I hope you all have a wonderful day! Peace, Love, and Cookies!!
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